I am amused

Hello there everyone, just a quick announcement.  My post A Husband's Guide to : Bleaching Your Asshole is now my most read post.. by a lot.  This means two things.

1.)  I need to be careful as to what I name posts because of web searches that turn up TheHusBlog.
2.)  I am completely amused.

This means that there are people actually searching "How to Bleach your asshole" and my post is coming up and they are clicking on it.  Certainly, there are loyal readers enjoying my posts as they are meant to be enjoyed.  However there is also a population of people searching for the aforementioned topic and finding themselves here.  Oh how I wish I could jump through their computers and yell "Surprise!" when they realize where they have ended up...  Hopefully though, they don't have a bottle of bleach in their hands at the time.

Be on the look out for some of my new posts :

  • A Husband's Guide to : 2012 GOP Candidates
  • A Husband's Guide to : Lowing my Home Equity Loan
  • A Husband's Guide to : Nude Pictures of Taylor Swift
  • A Husband's Guide to : Occupy Wall Street
 Ok, I am certainly not going to do any of the above posts...  Well maybe the last one.

Just wanted to share.


Yes I know I didn't post this one time, turns out I did not schedule this one.

A Husband's Guide to : Chores

So there is a great divide in how husbands and wives view chores.  This realization came to me recently and I just had to share.  Men(Husbands) view chores as a prisoner views good behavior.. if you do enough you get time off.  Women(Wives) view chores as a farmer views soil... if you do not do them, you don't eat.

And...  Cue the hatemail.  I am sure that my metaphor is going to ruffle a few feathers, but before you get offended I would like you come with me on this journey.  Let's start with the prisoner...  "You know what TheHusBlog, if that is your real name.  I think you making husbands out to be prisoners only perpetuates the cycle of confusion in marriages and you as a blogger of only slightly less fame than prancing kittens fun time blog should be more careful with your words!  Hmmmpffff."  To that I have to say: come with me on this journey and reserve criticism until the end. 

The prisoner is a man atoning for his sins.  In this example the sins are selfishness.  We men tend to be very narrowly focused on ourselves during our single life.  Once we end up in a committed relationship with someone we love, well... we tend to be jackasses.  We don't think like our wives and often times this gets us into trouble that we are unaware we are in!  And getting out of jail does not represent divorce, instead it represents being a productive member of society.  The prisoner is not  a man wanting to get out of his marriage, but instead, the prisoner is a man who wants to be a productive member of the relationship.  That being said, the metaphor also specifically fits chores representing confinement, and lack of chores representing release.

The farmer is a woman working to make something from nothing.  I am not trying to be sexist here or say that women are incapable of working or anything like that.  But I am saying that most women are great at making a house a home.  They are great at civilizing we men.  They are great at bringing a gentle touch into a heavy handed world.  Women can take the salt of the earth and make it amazing.  That being said the metaphor also fits representing someone who is dedicated to the daily grind of tilling the soil, planting the seeds, and growing the fruits of labor...

There are you on board with the prisoner and farmer metaphor now???  "Hmmmmmppppffffff"  I'll take that as a yes!  Smileyface.  The prisoner and the farmer have two completely different views on chores.  I will explain, oh heck...  I'll just do a...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Prisoners and Farmers
  • The prisoner believes that doing more chores now should allow for less chores later.
  • The farmer believes that there is a fixed amount of stuff that has to get done, doing more makes life better but does not allow for day to day items to slip.
  • The prisoner is focused on a time in the future for relaxation.
  • The farmer is focused on the here an now.
  • The prisoner can handle things being slightly out of sorts in exchange for more fun time.
  • The farmer can handle little extras not being done if the core work is complete.
The prisoner and the farmer do view chores with completely different glasses, but the end goals of both are the same.  A happy life.  Sure the prisoner wants to work hard then slack off, whereas the farmer wants to do what is needed day by day.  But the secret is that both of them could learn from the other.  Maybe the dishes can be left in the sink over night while the two have a couple drinks and make out like teenagers.  And maybe a tidy home each day makes them both feel more comfortable.  The truth of the matter is balance is the key.  The prisoner should enjoy doing a little extra work even if he does not get time off for good behavior and the farmer should chill out a little bit when something doesn't get done right away.  

The real key is to "suck it up."  Prisoner! vacuuming the den doesn't really take that much time and you can do it during commercial breaks.  Farmer! the laundry can wait another day, enjoy some time with your prisoner(of love).  Yeah, I know, last line too cheesy, I get it.

You have to understand the perspective of your spouse when it comes to all different aspects of your life together.  We all view chores a little bit differently.


Husband Trials : The Finer Things In Life

I just recently had a birthday and as I am growing older (and noticing more grey hair) I have come to the realization that I like nice things.  I no longer desire cheap stuff.  On one hand this is a blessing, realizing the value of spending more to get something that will last.  On the other hand this is a curse as now I cannot be made happy with a cheap little trinket.

My tastes have turned to high end electronics, nice furniture, and quality clothes.  Maybe this is a rite of passage that all adults go through or maybe I am just a stuck up snob.  But the fact remains, what once made me happy doesn't anymore.

So I am wondering if you all (my readers) feel the same way?  As you get older do you pine for quality over quantity?

Please let me know...


A Husband's Guide to : Feng Shui

Feng Shui is the study of energy moving throughout your house for a more positive chi...  Or something like that. I never really put much stock into Feng Shui until I started thinking about cuddling...(Don't worry about the segue give me a minute and it will all make sense)

When my wife and I first met I had a crappy little 700 sq ft apartment with small furniture and a big tv.  After we got engaged she moved in and with everything, from watching tv to eating dinner we were close(hell practically on top of one another).  We were young and in love so being all smushed(screw you spell check smushed is a word!) together on a couch was romantic.  Brushing our teeth together using one sink was cute.  Sleeping in my queen sized bed was snuggle-riffic(ok, I concede on this one spell check, snuggle-riffic is not a word).

Now that we have grown up a little we have more space and nicer things, but I began to realize that these nicer things were making it harder to cuddle.  We have a huge reclining couch(yeah I know...) and each side reclines independent of the other so rarely are our two sides in-sync which makes anything more than hand holding a feat of gymnastic greatness.  We use separate bathrooms to get ready in the morning so we don't run into each other.    We have our own blankets on our bed because each one of us is convinced the other is a blanket hog.

So the nicer things have added a layer of comfort but at what cost?  Maybe just maybe a little forced closeness is not a bad thing...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Questions About Your Home

  • Where do you spend the most time as a couple?  Is there room for you there to be intimate(not just sex, I mean touching, cuddling, and dare I say snuggling)
  • Do you both get a good night's sleep?  Do you enjoy sleeping in the same bed?
  • What room do you spend the least amount of time in?  Is there a reason why?
  • Is there any furniture that you hate?  Why?
Think about your home, is it set up for you both as a couple?  Too many times in life we focus on the wrong thing.  Who cares if something looks perfect or is the right price, think about not just you using it, but you both using it.

As you both work towards the perfect home, remember that it has to be perfect for you both, a room that looks great but is uncomfortable will never get used.

Quick Hit : Traffic

Warning : This post contains foul language.

Warning : This post contains fowl language.

I was driving home tonight after a wonderful dinner with my parents and at 8.00pm a major highway was shut down to one lane for construction.  I was stuck in this horrid traffic for over 45 minutes and this was after already traveling 30 minutes.  I tend to talk a lot to the cars around me, they cannot hear me, but sometimes a good yell makes me feel better.  As I was talking to the cars around me (really myself), I thought I should turn this into a post.  So below you will read some of the things I said :

  • "Well aren't you a glorious ass fuck!"
  • "Shuffle the deck people!!!!  One car from one lane goes, then from the other, this isn't rocket surgery!"
  • "If you're gonna ride my ass this hard then at least give me a reach around you hipster fuck!" (I had no way of knowing if the driver behind me was a hipster but doesn't it just roll off the tongue)
  • "You drive like a cocaine addicted donkey!"  (I don't know where I come up with this shit either)
  • "I'm getting out of your way, from the looks of your car, you don't care whether you live or die."  (Never try to cut off someone with a tri-colored car due to replacement bumpers, you should know they do not give a flying fuck)
  • "Your chicken shit ass should have your license revoked with a furry of a thousand suns!" (See I warned you, fowl language)
  • "I'm giving you room, move over now, because I do not have time to walk over an invitation you ungrateful dick wash!"  (Again, no clue where I come up with this stuff...  What the hell is a dick wash?)
  • Upon being cut off by a rather large truck...  "I will spend the next month imagining you in great pain sir, fear my wraith!"
This post really doesn't have anything to do with being married but I wanted to give you a glimpse into my psyche.


A Husband's Guide to : The Small Stuff

Marriage begins with three successive BANGS!  First the proposal, which is an event all to itself.  Second is the wedding which is a huge affair to plan.  Third is the honeymoon.. and you get to bang(I know it is a pretty cheap joke).

The point is that the beginning of a marriage is full of these huge, wonderful things and then all of a sudden the big things stop and the small things begin.  During courtship we all make bold sweeping statements when caught up in the moment.  Usually they are promises to always or never do something.
- "I will never go the bed angry with you"
- "I will always kiss you hello and good-bye"
- "I will always take out the trash"
- "I will never let you down"

If you have made any of the promises above then you are a liar.  No one can promise an "always" or a "never" marriage and life for that matter is all about taking the time to do the little things.  Think about your spouse for a couple minutes each day and decide to do something nice for them.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Small Stuff Ideas

  • Chores : Look, you know what your "jobs" are around the house, be it taking out the trash, or emptying the dishwasher try to do them without being asked.
  • Share Time : When your wife enters a room, turn off the tv and give her your undivided attention.  Listen to her talk about her day and tell her about yours.
  • Ask If You Can Help : A simple "is there anything you need me to do?" can go a long way to helping bring some peace into your household.
Nothing I have written here is rocket science, just some simple things you can do to help out your spouse.  Don't worry about the "always" and the "never" instead worry about the small things that make life so much more enjoyable...


Things That Make Husband's Cringe

So I was thinking the other day of all the things that I'd love my wife to say, like : "Honey do you want to see the new lingerie I bought?"  OR  "Honey we really need a new HDTV."  OR "Honey, we should buy you something."  Now let me first say that I don't think I have ever heard my wife say any of those things but hey a guy can dream can't he?  

Now this naturally made me think of all things my wife can say that send a small shiver down my spine.  So here they are :

Things That Make A Husband Cringe
  • "We need to go furniture shopping"  --Furniture shopping is a horrid experience because men in general do not care.  Can I sit on it, will it hold a TV, these are the only two questions we really care about.  And most times us guys just don't have an opinion on something, so we say "whatever you want babe."  Little do we know that this is the wrong answer.
  • "Let's clean the house this weekend" --Cleaning the house usually involves us lugging trash to the garage but for some reason during a house cleaning little DIY projects always see to creep in.  Thanks for vacuuming, now can you hang these three pictures.
  • "Honey, I have a great project for us to do together"  --Recipes for disaster.
  • "The new Twilight movie is out" --NNnnnnnnnOOOOOoooooooooo
  • "How much money do we have in the account?" --We are about to buy something big I know nothing about.
  • Let's go to the mall" --If we really want terrorists to talk, why waterboard when 3 hours through a crowded mall will work just as well.  Just a few minutes of dodging strollers, kids that run in strange unpredictable patterns, and countless people trying to sell you stuff will make even the most hardened terrorist spill.
These are just a few but I am sure you can think of more.

These are just a few examples.

Quick Hit : Conversation With My Wife On Date-Night Tonight

So my wife and I were heading out to dinner for a fun night out and we got to talking in the car.


TheHusBlog : "Oh, come on now, before we got married I could totally take care of myself."

Wife : "Sure you could honey"

TheHusBlog : "Wait a minute, where do you think I would be today if we weren't married."

Wife : "Probably in a hospital bed some where alone."

TheHusBlog : "I don't think that is true."

Wife : "You're right, I am sure your mom would visit."

TheHusBlog : "So you think I would be alone, in horrible health without you?"

Wife : "Well you might have married your ex-girlfriend..."

TheHusBlog : "Wow, I have no idea what to say"

Wife : "But honey, you're fine, I married you, now watch the road"

Writing this exchange out just really doesn't do it justice.  It really way funny.


Things That Make Me Struggle

Okay loyal reader I have a confession : I really struggle with my Saturday posts.  They are supposed to be quick funny lists that are somehow related to marriage and I have to be honest, that well is running dry right now.  When I first started this blog I was able to churn out the Saturday posts like no one's business and for the past couple of months they have not been that funny.  Sure I might chuckle a little at them, but they are no where near the caliber of Terms of Enragement which is to this day one of my most read posts.

You would think that my larger content Wednesday posts would be the most difficult to write however they seem to fly off my fingers and into blogging history without challenge.  I have noticed that my Husband Trials posts seem to get a decent level of reading so I think for at least a little while I am going to substitute the Husband Trials for my Saturday posts until I can get more inspiration for Terms Of and Things.

I hope you don't mind the change and continue to enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing it.


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