TheHusBlog Does Movie Reviews

I know, I know, it appears I have jumped the shark on this one right?  Movie Reviews?

Well to be honest I have been writing a ton of "Guides" lately and I thought I would take a moment to point out some movies that I love that you might not have ever seen or heard of.  Sure this doesn't quite fit into a marriage blog, but maybe I might help you pick out a movie for date night.

State and Main : This is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE movies.  It has an incredible cast and is very funny, however it is a dialogue driven movie.  There is not much action per se, and the plot is moved forward by the vapid self interests of the main characters as they strive to make a movie.  It is one of Philip Seymore Hoffman's earlier roles and he really shines as Joe the writer.  This movie really makes fun of the movie making business.  If you enjoy witty dialogue then this is for you, however if you are bored in the first 15 minutes then turn it off because that is how the whole movies goes...  Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue. (Netflix by mail service only)

Stranger Than Fiction : This movie is truly delightful.  Will Ferrell plays a serious role but is supported by an amazing cast including Queen Latifa, Dustin Hoffman, and Emma Thompson.  I do not want to ruin the plot for you as this movie is way more fun to watch if you know nothing about it.  I can say it is interesting, heartfelt, funny, and intelligent.  This is great date night movie.   (Netflix by mail service only)

Equilibrium : This is an action movie that makes you think.  The fight scenes are truly amazing the world that is portrayed is thought provoking.  In the future mankind is on a drug that suppresses emotions.  Those that resist and choose to feel are hunted down and killed.  Christian Bale does an incredible job with this film and it truly represents a "thinking man's action movie."  (Netflix by mail service only)

Forgetting Sarah Marshall : This is hands down my favorite comedy in recent memory.  It is a bit raunchy so if you do not like cursing or questionable dialogue then it might not be for you.  I, however find this movie hilarious.  The plot centers around a guy trying to get over the love of his life by taking a vacation to Hawaii by himself.  Unfortunately, after arriving he finds out his ex is at the same resort with her new beau.  This movie delivers humor with a lot of heart.  Yes it does get dirty, however it is just so damn funny.  The plot seems really trivial and over done but this movie ends up being a true gem.  (Netflix by mail service only)


A Husband's Guide to : Cooperative - Competition

So first of all I guess I should mention that I changed my template.  I had noticed that on some posts it was hard to read and I was ready for a change.  I really like the new look and hope you do to.  Please feel free to leave a comment to either validate my changes and boost my self esteem or to express your disapproval which is nothing compared to what my own psyche can dish out...

With that being said, on to today's post:

This past weekend was my wife and I's Anniversary and as such we made some plans to go out enjoy some food and see a movie.  As something funny to say before we left the apartment I looked her in the eye and said : "Are you ready to kick this anniversary's ass!"  Without missing a beat my wife high fixed me and said: "Hell ya!"

What followed was a day where her and I worked together to make sure our anniversary was fun and did not get us down.  Historically my own worst enemy is my expectations.  I want everything to be perfect and if it isn't I get upset and tense, even if my wife is fine with the current turn of events.

Our anniversary day consisted of three main events

  • Brunch at our FAVORITE restaurant.  FAVORITE is capitalized because this place ROCKS!  If you are ever in Dallas and want an awesome meal go to The Grape on Greenville, trust me you will not be disappointed.  
  • Pedicures at a hot, hoity-toity spa in Uptown.
  • The Hunger Games at a local theater.
Brunch was awesome food-wise, however we got sat next to a baby shower.  There is nothing louder than a baby shower, except of course for a bachelorette party, but what the the chances of running into one of those at noon on a Sunday...  It was hard to talk and be heard, we asked if there where any other tables, which of course their weren't.  So the wife and I made the best of it by talking when the baby shower had lulls in the conversation.  Oh, and once their food arrived when had a solid 5 minutes of talk time.  We, however, did not let that keep us down.  Onward we went.

We got to the spa 20 minutes early as was recommended by the website and when we arrived the funniest thing happened.  My wife and I were separated.  She was taken to the women's lounge and I was taken to the men's.  So my wife and I were waiting for our appointments in separate rooms.  Again we were not thwarted.  Instead we started texting.  "Does your lounge have little brownies, cause mine does!"  "Oh yeah, we mine has fancy cheese, so suck it."  "Yeah but do you have a pitcher of ice water with copious amounts of sliced lemon and lime?"  We managed to crack ourselves up even in separate rooms.  We did at least get to sit next to each other during the pedicure so ha!

The movie theater was packed as everyone was going to see The Hunger Games.  My wife and divided our tasks, she would secure seating and I would acquire snacks.  The division of labor allowed us to be in our seats munching on popcorn as the movie started.

The key to the whole day was to not have any expectations.  Loud groups next to us at brunch, or being separated, or a crowded theater did not have any impact on us having a good time.  Some of you reading this might be like, well duh, of course that shouldn't bother you, that stuff is so small.  Well, I am not talking to you.  Others among you might be thinking, yeah I would be pissed at least one of the scenarios.  Well don't get mad.  Once you get mad, the moment is ruined.  The only one you end up hurting is yourself. 

Enjoy each moment with your spouse and make sure to not be your own worst enemy because it is often those awkward, annoying moments that make the best stories later.  Besides, you should always remember if the little stuff is bothering you, then that means you don't have any big problems in your life and that should at least make you thankful.


A Husband's Guide to : Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and Daughters...  Sigh...  Mothers and Daughters...

As you know the wife and I have moved recently and while I thought we were settled in, the news of an impending mother in law visit quickly schooled me that we weren't...  I found out late last week that my mother in law was coming to see the new place and have lunch.  This prompted my wife to order one new rug for the kitchen and a rug to replace the leather one (yes a leather rug...  Don't ask!) in our living room, along with a new painting for over our bed.  It is at this point I should tell you that is my wife's favorite web destination.

You must also know that Monday is my wife and I's Anniversary, so what you have here is a perfect storm.  Expectations for a wonderful Anniversary and a Mother in Law visit that must be prepped for...  When I arrived home from work today all the packages from were in the apartment (our building will sign for the packages then deliver them to your apartment, neat right?)  The wife was working late so I came inside and began my tasks :

Hang New Bedroom Painting (which are three paintings by the by).  This involved moving the bed out along with the night stands.  All told hanging the paintings took about 30 minutes with all the furniture moving.  

Put bed skirt on bed.  With the mother in law coming I had to ensure our bed was ready to display the "formal bedding."  So I heaved the damn mattress, got the bed skirt on, then set about putting the mattress back on the box spring slowly to make sure I did not dislocate the bed skirt.  This took another 20 minutes.

Now on to hanging a picture above the bath tub.  Yes you heard (read) me right.  We have a painting that the wife loves, a gift from my mother, that I had been putting off dealing with.  What follows needs to be a judgement free zone...  So, the painting never came with string to hang so in the old house I used a length of chain that was too long from a ceiling fan.  Remember what I said, no judging.  It worked great but the chain broke during the move.  I first tried to tape the chain in place for hanging.  Seriously, I know, but you promised no judging!  Well, that felt secure but after I walked away the painting fell.  Scared the cat something fierce.  So I was stuck.  I wanted to get the painting hung before the wife got home, but I had no twine and was low on time.  So I did something that I think is very MacGuyver...  I took the draw string from and old pair of gym shorts and ta-da I have a hung painting.  This took damn near 45 minutes...

Clean out the closet I have been shoving stuff into.  We have a closet in the guest bathroom that has been the store house of "crap we don't know what to do with yet", well the day of reckoning was upon me and I needed to get it all organized and turned into a linen closet.  Another hour...

Hang another painting in the hallway outside the guest bathroom.  Only about 5 minutes.

Empty and load the dishwasher.  Probably 10 minutes, it was really full when I emptied it.  Below is just what I had to load it with.

Put heavy books on the new carpet in the kitchen to get it to lay flat.  Seconds really.

Laundry.  The rest of my damn life...  I am never done with laundry.

And I did all of this while drinking...  Because hey if you gotta do some chores, why not get a buzz on while you are at it.  See, men can be good multi-taskers.  No time at all, and before you ask, yes, that is a Star Gate Coaster I am using.  Jealous?

Now besides the drinking, this looks like a fairly busy night, and you are right.  But I did all of these things with a smile on my face, even though I just got done working a full day because I know two things:
1.)  I love my wife, she is awesome.
2.)  Mothers and Daughters...

"Okay, TheHusBlog you keep saying Mothers and Daughters like it is some sort of epiphany.  What the hell do you mean?"

Alright voice in my head, you asked for it...  It's time for

"A TheHusBlog Definition Pause."

I hate it when you steal my thunder.

"It's not that hard."

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Mother and Daughter Rules
  • They are always different : Mother/Daughter relationships vary by person and even if you know the rules for one it will not apply to others.
  • Daughters have to prove themselves constantly : A Daughter is almost always trying to show her mother how good she is doing.  This could be for the benefit of the mother; to prove that she raised a good daughter.  Or for the detriment of the mother; to prove the daughter succeeded despite the mother.
  • Mothers can be mean without knowing it : Mothers can be encouraging to their daughters while at the same time mean without knowing it.  Example : "Oh honey it is nice to see how much you can do with so little..."
This is not to say that all mother/daughter relationships are bad but to be honest there are at least a couple land mines in those relationships.  The best advice is to work hard, be understanding, and for heaven's sake pick up after yourself.

I knew that my wife was going to go through a stressful time, and I decided to make it easier as best I could.  I did not get bitter or angry that I was going to lose a Friday night.  Instead I embraced my task because what better Anniversary gift than the gift of getting shit done!


Things I Should Invent

Ah here we are again faithful readers.  Another "Things" post.  I came up with a great idea on the way home from work today and rather than spend all the time working on it and eventually creating it, I decided to instead turn it into a blog post, cause that is way easier and if someone steals my ideas I can just sue them later...

So without further ado (love it when I can type that)...

Things I Should Invent

  • Cherished Memories App : This is an app that would be downloaded on to each of your smart phones. Once opened it would prompt you to say whether you are a wife or husband.  If you say wife it will ask you to personalize your experience by asking you all kinds of questions like : Anniversaries, Birthdays, Special Memories, Favorite Gifts, and all kinds of other info.  The app will send the wife cute marriage quotes, and Internet specials.  If you say husband it will ask you for your wife's name. And if it finds her name in the database it will download all the information to your smart phone and set up reminders and provide you with all the needed information to not only stay out of trouble but make you look good.  Sure it is a little underhanded but, come on, if I sold it for .99 cents in the app store husbands would be lining up to get their wives to purchase it...  
  • Random Flower Service : Sign up once, and for a nominal fee flowers will be delivered to your wife randomly at least 6 times a year.  Different florists could sign up and only send flowers when they had overstock which basically creates a win-win.  The florist gets rid of excess product and the husbands look like random romantic super stars.  A text would be sent to the husband when the flowers were sent so they are caught off guard.
  • Male Friendly Manicure and Pedicure Place : Seriously men, you need to trim your nails.  So I would create a store front that caters to males.  HD Flat screens on all the walls, beer on tap, and even a finely aged scotch.  All this could be enjoyed during your manly pedicure or manicure.  
So what do you think?  Good Ideas?


Things That I Believe Should Become Famous Marriage Quotes

So I am a huge fan of quotes.  I usually put at least one quote in each one of my presentations and often use them as a spring board in conversations where I want to make a specific point.  Which leads me to one of the items on my bucket list.  "Create a memorable quote."  So as a starting off point for this endeavor(I really feel like endeavor should be spelled with a 'u', but that is beside the point), I will begin creating some quotes for your consideration.

Soon to be famous(or forgotten) Marriage Quotes

"Marriage only requires the ability to keep your opinions to yourself until you are sure they are agreed upon." (Funny)

"If you can agree on one television show, one restaurant, and one piece of furniture, the rest of your marriage is gravy." (Funny)

"Marriage is the art of hiding your bad habits until you are forced to change them."  (Oh come on that is insightful and funny)

"Passion is a feeling, Love is a commitment, and Marriage is a test."  (Not so crazy about this one)

"The concept of social networks have been around for years in marriage.  Foursquare is your wife checking your debit card transactions to see where you have been.  Facebook was her calling your friend to make sure you were there and did what you said you were going to do.  Twitter was the quick response she would give you when you were in trouble.  And Pintrest was her leaving catalogues out on the counter with certain items marked so you knew what to buy her for your anniversary."  (It really doesn't flow all that well, but for us technology nerds it is funny, I swear)

"Being a good husband is all three things: being funny when you need to, being nice when you don't have to, and listening all the time."

"Nothing is sexier to a wife than getting all the chores done."  (Really my wife says this to me all the time, and it totally works)

Okay these might not be winners but it is a good and fun way start to my quest.  As I think of more I might add to this list.

As a related question what is something on your bucket list?


TheHusBlog Does Poetry #2

Okay I am just ripe with bad poems.  Finding my old writing projects is just a gift that keeps on giving.  May I present you with...

Good Mourning, Who Are You?

Last night,
Is a blur,
This morning,
Is as clear as day,
I hate that,

My bed fits two in a pinch,
Last night was a pinch,

This morning,
I awoke,
To someone new,

After a night of passion,
Introductions were in order,

Good morning,
Who are you?

Do you see how the poem is entitled Good Mourning, Who Are You?  I used Mourning instead of Morning...  Damn I thought I was clever back in the day...


A Husband's Guide to : Greg Smith's Goldman Sachs Resignation

Yeah, I know it is a long title but something about this story really struck a nerve with me.  For those of you who don't know Greg Smith is a former executive at Goldman Sachs and created quite a stir with his resignation, the reasons for which, he documented here.

What really strikes me about his OP-ED piece is the sincerity he conveys.  He truly believed in the place in which he worked and then he takes the reader on a journey of dark rooms filled with greedy individuals, seedy deals, and self interest.  This piece, if true, confirms all of the angry bile spewed towards Wall Street Companies since the 2008 Financial Crisis.

Undoubtedly, if this story remains in the news cycle for long, we will be treated to Goldman Sachs defending themselves the way most large corporations and politicians do these days, by completely and totally discrediting detractors.  Greg Smith will be called disgruntled, incompetent, and many other extremely bad things.  Stories will probably be unearthed that he did drugs, killed kittens, and was a member of a Neo-Nazi party.  None of this will be true, and more importantly none of this will be traceable back to Goldman Sachs.   But the damage will be done.  This should create huge outrage in society, but it won't.  Mainly because we have all become desensitized to it.  Think back to 2008 or even better 2007.  Think about all that was said of Hilary Clinton during the primaries.  Then think about all that is said about President Obama then and now.  Think about Sarah Palin and the constant attacks she and her family endured.  Now some of you might agree with all three people I listed and some of you might only agree with one or two of them, but the truth of the matter is that all three examples listed above were and still are attacked without any sense of right or wrong, without a fair chance to respond, and most importantly without class.

And we as a society have accepted it.  We still watch the news, even when they are one sided.  I will no longer stand for one sided journalism, even if it supports my beliefs.

Which takes us back to Greg Smith.  He stood up for his beliefs, he shared what he thought was happening in his company and he did the only thing he felt he could.  He left.  The story is only half complete now.  I am interested to hear what Goldman Sachs will have to say as a rebuttal, but if history is any indication, they will slander Greg rather than counter his points in a logical, intelligent manner.

"Ah, TheHusBlog...  I am just kind of wondering when the F@#?! you are going to get to a point about marriage here.  I mean come on this is a marriage blog, right?  Or did you decide to become a current events blogger instead?"

Listen here voice in my head, I am laying a foundation here okay?

Marriages often times resemble companies.  Two people come together in a partnership to create something bigger than themselves.  Often times the results are a success, two people become better together than they were apart.  But that does not happen overnight, and it does not happen without hard work.  Our spouses should ride a fine line of cheerleading and accountability.  They should be there to help pick us up when we have fallen while simultaneously holding us to the highest standards.  And while things will get rocky along the way it is the combination of support and accountability that keeps marriages together.

Greg Smith was unfortunately just one man in a company of thousands.  He was not the CEO and did not have the clout needed to help steer the company on the path he felt it should be one so he had only one real option.  In marriage you do have that clout.  We must all understand the power we have to shape our life and our spouse just as our spouse has the same ability to shape us.  Make sure your marriage stays on the path best traveled.  One that is based on respect, support, accountability, and just the right amount of fun.  Don't let your marriage get to the resignation is the only options stage.

Also remember that comments and criticism are a part of being a grown up.  There is no one better to point out your faults than your partner.  In fact, it is part of their job.  How could you grow as a person without honest comments.  Don't shoot the messenger.


A Husband's Guide to : Settling In

Now that the wife and I have moved we have begun a new ritual of settling in.  Old rules of behavior have been thrown to the wayside as we are both committed to making this new place cleaner, nicer, and more inviting than the last...

All of sudden there are new rules that I have had to keep up with and I have begun a list...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The New Rules of Settling In

  • We have a hamper for a reason!  So back in the day (like a week ago) I could simply take off my clothes and leave them by the bed while I tucked myself in.  I would of course eventually pick these clothes up and put them in some sort of hamper.  Now I must place all clothes in the hamper immediately, there is no floor staging area...  
  • Nothing is to be on the bathroom counter!  As a man, I have few grooming products.  Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Mouthwash, Deodorant, Razor, Shaving Cream, Hair Gel, and Cologne.  That's it.  That is all I need.  Now all of these items used to be able to rest comfortably on the counter and just mind their own business.  Now they have been relegated to drawers and cabinets, only seeing the light of day to be used, then placed back in their dark corner once again.
  • Kitchen shall remain so clean as to make you scared to eat!  Our kitchen is spotless.  It is so spotless that model homes look messy.
Now the best part of all of this...  I know how this ends.  It ends in normalcy.  All the crazy that my wife and I are putting out there will slowly fade into a normal routine.  There will be nights the sink will be filled with dishes, and slowly but surely the mouthwash and the razor, and even the deodorant will make a home on the bathroom counter.  

Changing the place we live invites an opportunity to change bad habits, but it also provides a validation of the habits we already have.  I love how clean the new place is, but I am pretty sick of running to the hamper when I really just want to crawl into bed.


A Husband's Guide to : Moving Part 2

Moving really shows you a side to yourself and your partner.  As you unpack boxes you start to stumble upon little secrets about your mate that you might not have known before.  This reminds me of a book I never read, but heard about.  "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" which, from what I am told is about how a man takes apart a bike and puts it back together, but in reality he is taking himself apart and putting himself back together.

Now for clarification I have to make a side note.  My wife and I started dating long distance.  As things became serious and a job offer in my neck of the woods materialized she moved.  Much of her stuff remained in boxes after she moved in with me.  We lived in my bachelor pad for the first years using my stuff.  Then we moved to a rental house which already had everything we needed.  So her stuff stayed in boxes.  We lived in this rental for over 3 years.  Now we have moved and things that have lied packed away for 7+ years of hers are starting to be unpacked.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Interesting Finds While Unpacking

  • Shot Glass Collection : Shots make me hurt just thinking about them.  I can still handle my liquor, don't get me wrong, but in shot form.  No.  You know what not just No, but Hell NO!  Give me something to sip on and I will do fine, no need to direct inject booze into my system, I prefer a slow drip...
  • Old Pictures : There is nothing more fun to look through than old pictures of your spouse.   Snapshots of the time before you and her met serve to not only flesh out stories already told, but also provide ample ammunition for making fun...
  • [This Bullet Point Has Been Redacted] : I cannot go into details here.  But let's just say in general sometimes you can find "paraphernalia" that has long since been forgotten...  And I will leave it at that.
  • Bad Clothes : Let's face it, if you packed away clothes, forgot about them, and then are shocked to find them, I am willing to bet you are not going to be wearing them ever again.  
  • Horrid Home Decor : Our styles change as we age, thank God.  But sometimes it if fun to unearth some crappy wall art we used to think was cool.  
Oh it has been interesting times here.   The wife and I have had much fun poking fun at the other for all the weird crap we have been discovering.  Later in marriage, after a couple moves all your stuff becomes our stuff.  However because of my wife and I's situation I have gotten to take a look at these items with more than a couple years under our collective belts.

I am finding it hard to wrap this one up in a neat little bow like I usually do.  Pretend I just said (typed) something about the items from our past can be a springboard to our future...

To distract you I will show pictures...

My New View Out of My Our Office Window

And because of Marianne's Comment on a previous post 


Off Topic But On Point : Tax Masterz Part 2... I Guess?

Oh, the internets, you crack me up sometimes...

So you might recall I wrote a rather angry post about a company called "Tax Masterz" a while back.  Well, while Googling things I discovered this :

So if you google "Tax Masterz" my post is the first to show up under the advertised links.  I am even above their Facebook Page.  

While this is funny let's recap shall we?  

If you google "Tax Masterz" I am the first post.

If you google "guide to bleaching your asshole" I am first again.

However, if you google "Husband Blog" I am nowhere to be found.

So apparently my target market is quickly becoming people who want to bleach their own asshole and need tax advice from unconventional people...

As a side note, I have nothing against Tax Masterz other than their name.  They might be really good people and I do not want to disparage the Tax Services they might provide.  I just think their name is dumb.

-A very confused, but amused, TheHusBlog

A Husband's Guide to : Moving

Hi Everyone!  The move has finished and all that is left is last bits of unpacking.  If you don't follow me on twitter, which I am sure you don't because I have a total of 2 followers (mainly because I do not really tweet much) then you would see that I live tweeted my move.  Now before you run off and open a new window to check my tweets please keep in mind it was not that interesting.

In any case the wife and I are very happy with the new place.


TheHusBlog Does Poetry

So I was going through my old writing projects from 15+ years ago and while I am busy packing I decided to dust off a piece from my past for sharing:

by TheHusBlog

Twas a late night and my mind would wander in flight,
I began to slowly drift,
My mind was sinking in a rift,

Then I was awakened by a clack,
Could it be the neighbors' boy,
Trying to score some crack,
But once again a clack,
Pitter, pat, clack, clack,
So I stood in my flat,
I would have no sleep with that Pitter and Pat,

I went to the door,
Stifling back a snore,
Then the door opened,
The sight I had to apore,

It was death at my door,
Black and evil for sure,
This menace pointed at me and I knew what for,

For today was my time,
But this isn't the end of my rhyme,

"Would you like a cup of tea?"
I said slyly.

Death could not ignore,
For killing was such a chore,
Tonight a cup of tea
Sounded quite nicely,

So we sat and talked sipping tea,
Here I was, death and me sipping tea,

But then it was my time,
How will you do it? I asked,

Then death passed out on my floor,

"Ha!" I laughed,
What a bore,
It only took five cups of Vodka and Tea
To make death pass out on my floor.

I know what you are thinking...  Why did I not going into writing professionally?


Leap Blog Day Guest Post #3 -- That Darn Wet Toilet Seat

So I have one last late entry from Anti Inertia.  When I asked this blogger for a guest post the only question back was, "Can I write about anything?"  I, of course, said yes, I mean who am I to stifle anyone's creativity right.  Below is what resulted.  I think you will agree after reading this, and other posts on Anti Inertia, this blogger has an amazing ability to dive into a topic with both feet and provide insight that you didn't think possible given the topic.

That Darn Wet Toilet Seat
Anti-Inertia at Anti Inertia

When you clean your face, I’m curious, what do you use?
How about when you clean your hands?
It sounds silly, but if you think about how you clean your hair, your teeth or even your entire body they all have one thing in common.  But before I spoil it for you, let’s all take a minute and think about all the different ways we clean ourselves.
Taking this a step further, to clean your throat (keep it out of the gutter folks) a Doctor is likely to recommend gargling or something along those lines.  To clean your nose and/or your sinuses, beyond the advice of a medical professional, we have products like the Neti Genie.
You’re not going to clean your face with a paper towel, right?  It simply won’t do the trick.  Parents especially know this, you’re not going to consider your kids’ hands clean (or your own) unless they’re washed with water and soap; correct?  And I’m pretty sure you’ll blow a gasket if you try to clean your nose/sinuses without some form of liquid.  Yet, I’m repeatedly surprised with why more than two-thirds of the 1st World thinks it’s OK to clean oneself with dry material.  You know what I’m talking about here.  Don’t shy away from it.  Don’t deny it.  Hell, if you’re amongst that two-thirds population; especially if you’re in West Europe or North America, then you should definitely read this.
Why on Earth do you accept the fact that it’s OK to clean all but one orifice with water (or some liquid) except your privates?
  Is it any wonder that flushable wet wipes, like Cottonelle's wet wipes, are selling like hot cakes (no pun intended)?  So why, oh why, have we just accepted what our parents (and their parents) to be the way to clean our under-carriage?  Paper?  Really?  I don’t care that it’s called “toilet paper” it’s still paper.  Dry paper!  Again … wet wipes are better.  And for God’s sake, if you haven’t yet tried wet wipes, then get off your ass and buy some (again, no pun intended).  No, I’m not affiliated with any manufacturer, vendor or anything related to any product mentioned here.  Now … Do us all a favor, once you get some wet wipes, be sure to use toilet paper until you feel you’re clean –clean enough to pull up your pants.  Then, and only then, use a wet wipe.
If this is truly your first time using wet wipes, then please … please … come back here and tell us in the comments how you now feel.  Be sure to keep it clean though (pun intended).
Now that you’ve experienced wet wipes you know what moisture, or to be exact, water, can do for your hygiene.  But before I go down that road, I’m curious to learn why we use toilet paper in the first place!
Why is a 6th century Chinese practice and invention so widely used in 1st World countries?  These are countries that should know better; and have the means to address such hygienic matters due to a plethora of resources (money, water, education, etc.).  Oh oh oh … here’s a good question:  Why are we using toilet paper when the very country/culture that invented it hardly uses it?  Have we become so dependent on the Chinese that we cannot relinquish THAT too?
Here’s the kicker … toilet paper was an upgrade!  We here in the States have used newspapers, telephone directory pages and other paper products.  Don’t believe me?  Ask your parents or grandparents.  OK, wait.  Don’t do that.  I’d hate to see the comments resulting from that inquiry.  The Old Farmer's Almanac was sold with a hole punched in the corner so it could be hung on a nail in an outhouse.  Generation X’ers, and some of Generation Y (and older generations, of course), will remember the Sears catalog.  No way; you say!  The back-then widely-distributed Sears Roebuck catalog was a popular choice until it began to be printed on glossy paper (at which point some people wrote to the company to complain).  Don’t believe me?  Here are two resources:
Rodriguez, Linda (2009-07-08). "Why toilet paper belongs to America".
The Wikipedia link I referenced above shows how the French “dismissed the use of paper as ineffective” with the following quote:
The 16th century French satirical writer François Rabelais, in Chapter XIII of Book 1 of his novel-sequence Gargantua and Pantagruel, has his character Gargantua investigate a great number of ways of cleansing oneself after defecating. Gargantua dismisses the use of paper as ineffective, rhyming that: "Who his foul tail with paper wipes, Shall at his ballocks leave some chips." (Sir Thomas Urquhart's 1653 English translation).
Now I’m not advocating wet/moist wipes in lieu of toilet paper either –I could discuss the benefits of one product over the other, but there are resources out there that (beyond their self-serving intentions) represent that topic quite well.  One such resource is from Swipe –A Cottonelle and Charmin competitor.  Again, a bit self-serving, but still worth a read.  Here’s another one of their articles I thought was worth a mention.
Of course, what the likes of Swipe fail to mention is how Swipe is yet another upgrade to toilet paper –leafs, sticks, newspapers, catalogs, toilet paper and now wet wipes.  Think about that progression (almost called it an evolution).  Then think about how older cultures, like the Chinese, Indians, the Middle East, Africa … the birth of humanity as we know it … how do they handle their anal cleansing (yes, I said it).  Granted, in places where water is scarce or not closely available, any available material (including stones) is used instead. Use of paper as in the western world is rare in this region and is seen only in some urban and westernized societies.  In other words, only as a mimic of being cool like the guys in the 1st World.  That, however, doesn’t make it right.  We could always stand to learn a thing or two from our elders –those people who have proceeded us … the source of older civilizations.
You might be surprised to learn that the use of water for cleansing one’s privates after defecating or urinating is very common.  Go back and look at that progression of products and see where we’re headed.  Yes, water.  And only water.  Enter bidets.
From Wikipedia:
The bidet is commonplace in many European countries, especially in Spain (30%), Portugal (70%), Italy (95%) and Greece, and also in Japan where approximately half of all households have a form of bidet (often combined with the toilet in a single appliance). It is also very popular in the Middle East. In India and the Indian subcontinent, the use of water for cleansing the anal area after defecating is very common. About 95% of the population follows this practice.
In the U.S. and UK bidets are not yet as popular as in the areas mentioned above, but are slowly becoming more common. Attachable stainless steel or plastic bidets that are fixed to existing toilets are gaining popularity as they are easy to use and cheap. Whether it’s for health reasons, like for hemorrhoids, or for overall hygiene as is the intention behind this article, washing with water with or without a bidet is key.  A bidet is simply a tool, which would solve the 1st World problem of you cleaning your own ass with your own hands, albeit using a canister that pours water on your hands at all times;  limiting any sensation of your own defecation since water is washing it away at all times.  That is disgusting; right?  Um, this whole topic is borderline disgusting.  But noooo; instead, you’d rather feel every texture via a thin veil of paper –Toilet paper.  Sitting there scraping away. Scrape after scrape.  Until it’s clean enough.  Really?  I’m not even going to attempt to discuss dangle-berries.
Keep your ass, hands and overall hygiene clean and use water.  Scientific American has numbers to show that it’s an environmentally responsible and green approach.  BidetKing (not intended as an endorsement of any kind) was quoted saying: 
It’s pretty amazing to us how America has gone this long without a more widespread acceptance of the bidet. We live in a culture that’s pretty obsessed with keeping things clean and sanitary. Anti-bacterial soaps, disinfectant wipes, hand sanitizers, magic sponges and the list goes on. We’re constantly bombarded with ads telling us how dirty our hands and counter tops are under a magnified lens. And yet, for perhaps the ‘dirtiest’ part of our daily routines, we just wipe our butts with toilet paper? That should be good, right?

Look, toilet paper’s fine. It does its job and for the most part, it’s clean enough. But can’t we do better? I mean, when our hands get dirty, we wash them with water and soap. When our dishes get dirty, we wash them in the sink, with water. So when our butts get dirty, shouldn’t we wash them with water too? The more you think about it, the more it makes sense. We wash everything with water – why not our rears? Use a bidet, or better yet, use one of those fancy electronic bidet seats. It’ll change the way you look at toilet paper forever.
Personally, I’d rather wash my butt with water.  And yes, even if a bidet was not available.  I’d rather use a water canister and get the whole toilet seat wet.  Of course, that always ticks off the wife, but I have toilet paper to dry the seat (did you like that irony?).
To many, the problem is not so much a clean ass, but clean hands. Washing hands with soap after every visit to the toilet removes bacteria; without a doubt.  Keeping that hygiene point in mind at all times, with every visit to the bathroom (especially public ones), is part of what will keep your hygiene in good standing.  That very point, however, is the drive behind keeping your behind clean … using the same method: Water.  With that, I hope you’ve had ample material, bias and not, to aid you in your decision of how to keep your ass clean.  Still a skeptic?  I would love to hear from you in the comments, on this site and on
Finally, for a good & funny read on the topic, back from 2001, I urge to read this interwebz gem.

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