Terms of Endearment

Those cute names that we call each other can sometimes have a special meaning all their own.  I just don't know if I could live with myself if I did not explore some of the more popular ones.

  • Honey - I have to be honest for the most part my wife only uses this when I need to do something.  Remember this pet name is part of the famous object known as the "Honey-Do List."  Which as I child I thought was a guide to buying melons.  Depending on the severity of the request I am about to get my wife elongates the last syllable accordingly so if I hear "Honnnnnnneeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy" then I know I am about to have to do something I don't want to do.
  • Baby - By far the most common, Baby has a tone all it's own.  Baby is cute, easy to say, but can also be used as a command to stop doing something.  Think about it fellas, how many times have you told your friends to hold your beer while you show them something when all of a sudden the front door opens to your wife yelling "Baby!" and you freeze.  Uh-Huh, I thought so.
  • Darling - Pretty much the only time I hear this is when I am at Denny's at 2.00 am ordering something bad for me.  Sidenote if you have never had Covered and Smothered hash browns, order them!
  • Sweetums - This pet name really annoys me.  I feel like the only people who should use "Sweetums" must have last names like VanWalderBurger or Eisenburger(of the Manhattan Eisenburgers), and they should have grown up in a Manor.  It just reeks of Country Club Royalty.
  • Sweetheart - I hear this pet name more with parents referring to their kids so to hears spouses use it makes me hear fiddles in the background, but hey that is just me.
  • Dear - Dear feels like the pet name of choice for passive aggressive fights.  I mean come on, how many times have you heard someone call another dear without have clenched teeth...
These are just a few, if you can think of some not on the list please put them in the comments, I would love to read them.

Just to let my readers know, spell check went nuts on this post...


A Husband's Guide to : Calculations

I remember as a newlywed I was talking with a coworker about my wife and I’s first stupid fight as a married couple.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause – Different Types of Fights
  • Foundational : These fights center about issues relating to very core of yours or hers being.  Religion, politics, or core values.
  • In-Law : They really deserve their own category.  These fights center around the conflict that arises from the intervention of the In-Laws.
  • Situational : These fights center around you and your spouse’s current situation or as I call it the S&M fights…  Sex and Money.
  • Connection : These fights are hard to define in the moment, in fact at first they appear to be Situational, but these fights center around you and your spouse not being able to connect and really understand each other.  You know you are in a connection fight when you say or want to say:  “You are just not understanding me.”
  • Stupid Fights : These fights center around anything you are not going to care about in a week.  More often than not fellas these are caused by the wife asking us to do something when we are clearly in the middle of something else. 
Sorry you will find that on occasion I might stop mid story to present some sort of list or definition, this is because the context will help, or it is because I have been drinking while blogging and feel the need to segue…  Either way it is usually important, I swear.  Now back to the story.  So my wife and I had a fight and I was confiding in coworker who had been married much longer than I.  He had some interesting advice.  He said “TheHusBlog(changed my name there, I know you could barely tell), when my wife asks me to do something I think about how long the task will take me versus how long the fight will take if I don’t.”  That conversation happened years ago but it still sticks with me to this day because of its simple brilliance.  Lets us break this down:
The “Honey-Do-List Theorem”
(c x t) > (f x t) then fight
(c x t) < (f x t) then chore
c = chore, t = time, f = fight
To put it simply he had broken down the equation to a simple if - then scenario.  If the chore would take less time than the fight then he would do the chore, however if he was really committed to what he was doing he would take the fight later in order to finish what he was doing.  Now I know most of you in the Internet are looking at this going: “Yeah, I know that one already and use that theorem often.”  But the equation is missing some variables.  First of all it is missing dedication(love) and pride.  So now we must revise the Theorem.

The “Honey-Do List Theorem-Revised”
IF d > p THEN
(c x t) > (f x t) Then chore
(c x t) < (f x t) Then chore
IF d < p THEN
(c x t) > (f x t) Then fight
(c x t) < (f x t) Then fight
d = dedication(love), p = pride, c = chore, t = time, f = fight

So now if you remove the unnecessary parts the equation becomes :

The “Honey-Do List Theorem-Revised Revised”
IF d > p Then chore
IF d < p The Fight
The long and short of it is you have to decide if you are going to rise up to be the husband that models the behavior you want, or the husband who gives in to foolish pride.  Don’t get me wrong I know that there are times to stand for your morals, but honestly when you look at the situation does standing for your morals have anything to do with taking out the trash when your home team is 3rd and goal with 10 seconds left in the game…  The answer is no, especially if you have a DVR.

We can often get caught up in a moment, thinking that some show, or some project is critical, and our loved one interfering is tantamount to relationship treason, when in truth it is something that won’t matter in a week, hell it won’t matter in an hour.  Take a moment to think about how important is what I am doing, because most times you will find it is okay to take a break to make our partner happy.  And when you establish that, you will have credibility when you DO say “Honey, I will take out the trash when I get a second, let me just finish…”

Equations are great for measuring the mass of stars a million miles away, the force needed to exit Earth’s gravity, or the amount of miles per gallon my wife’s new car gets (a blog post for another day), but when it comes down to relationships, hell, most of those are eye-balled, just make sure you have the requisite experience.


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