A Husband's Guide to : Crestfallen

Crestfallen synonyms : depressed, dejected, despondent

I am crestfallen due to the election.  I am crestfallen due to the President being re-elected.  I am fundamentally concerned about the direction of this country.

I normally like to keep this blog focused on marriage but to be honest I am upset about the election so I am going to vent and I promise to return to regularly scheduled topics next post.

I have been struggling with a post for several months now.  The post was on my opinions regarding taxes, specifically, how I feel the country is looking towards those people who do well to contribute more.  It is a very hard post for me to write because is centers around how both my wife and I got to where we are now financially.  My wife went to school for over 2 years to be a CRNA and during her time focusing on school I focused on my career.  During that time we both made HUGE sacrifices, sacrifices that hurt our marriage by driving a wedge between us.  We are still recovering from that time, but the benefit is that we now make enough money to realize some dreams.  But now with the current political climate, the one benefit that we achieved is at risk.  The problem with a post like that is most people will read it and feel like I am complaining about a situation that most people would love to be in.  The majority of Americans it seems, would look at me and say, "how dare you complain, you make more than most people, of course you should give more back to the country!"  However, I feel like my wife and I made good decisions and sacrificed many things to get where we are today and the idea that we should give a higher percentage of our income to the government because we are successful makes me so angry.

I do not think the President is a Muslim.  I do not think the President is not a US Citizen.  I do not think the President is the anti-christ.  But I do think the President is wrong on domestic issues.  Unemployment increased under President Obama.  Our debt increased under President Obama.  People on welfare increased under President Obama.  All of these facts made me believe that he did not deserve a second term.  But what really scared me was what he said to "Joe the plumber" back in 2008.  He just wanted to "spread the wealth around."  All of that is going to come to fruition in his second term and some of that wealth is coming from me.  I do not mind paying my share of taxes, but I do mind being the target of a smear campaign that ensures my success is a reason to take from me.

I could go on to an exhaustive degree but I will save you, gentle reader from that fate.  Instead I thank you for reading, and I will be praying for the President, hoping that his decisions make this country a better place, hoping that we come out of this rough economy and grow back into the super power I know we can be.


A Husband's Guide to : Life's Little Truths

I was having a conversation with the wife today driving to Costco about how unfair life can be.  We were talking about hard times some of our family members were going through and it made me think of all kinds of little truths about life and I did not even come close to understanding in my 20's.

Now that I am older and have grey showing up in my hair right at the temples, seriously I am going to look like that guy from The Sopranos in about 3 more weeks, I felt now was the time to document these little truths for posterity.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Life's Little Truths
  • With regards to customer service: You are NEVER EVER going to get in touch with the person who caused your problem.  More than likely you will have to deal with someone else.  And while a situation has made you angry, you cannot take it out on the person you are dealing with.
  • With regards to the post office:  The service SUCKS.  You are going to lose packages, not get mail, and NEVER get ahold of someone who can actually help you.  This is just a fact and you should resign yourself to problems.
  • With regards to people: Treat everyone the way you would want your mother treated.  Even if you are angry understand that your perspective is not always the the perspective of others.
  • Life is too short to go cheap on three things:
    • Toilette Paper
    • Booze
    • Sheets
  • With regards to money, remember the three T's
    • Tip well (seriously, waiters only make 2.13 an hour)
    • Tithe (or donate money to charity)
    • Thank you is the most important thing you can say, and remember when thanking someone to make eye contact.

Hope you all are having a great week!


A Husband's Guide to : The Marriage Pause

It seems to me that life can move by in two very different intervals.  At times it feels as if the world around us is moving so very fast.  Moments slip through our fingers lost to the winds of time in less time than it takes to blink an eye.

While at other times moments can last ten life times, each heartbeat taking hours to complete while we watch waiting for it to be over.

Long drawn out opening set up -- CHECK
Potent Metaphor Hinting at a deeper meaning -- CHECK
Redundant Checklist -- CHECK

The marriage pause is the moment we married people take to assess a situation and decide what our next action should be.  Typically, ladies have us men beat in this department right out the gate.  Women can take a holistic approach to any situation, whereas men, especially in the early years of a marriage are lucky if they remember to open the car door for our spouses.

That is not to say men cannot learn how to take the marriage pause, it is just our learning curve can be a bit steep.  However we do get the easy ones.  But there are some that require a more advanced degree.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Marriage Pause Degrees

  • Elementary School : A woman other than our wife asks if we want to have sex.  This is easy we say no (pause would be only as long as it takes us to draw breathe to say NO).  Give us some credit here ladies.
  • Junior High : Pause to compliment wife when she is dressed to the 9's.
  • G.E.D. : Pause to think if the wife needs anything from the store when you go to get something for yourself.
  • High School Diploma : When going to the store pause to ASK the wife if she needs anything.
  • Bachelor's Degree : Taking a moment to really think about the best gift to get the wife for an anniversary or birthday.
  • Master's Degree : Before you invite 10 friends over to watch the game you think if that will bother the wife and if so how you can alleviate her issues.
  • PhD : Thinking about big decisions such as job or living condition and how it will affect your wife before you even contemplate it for yourself.
These are just a few examples that I can think of off the top of my head.  I am sure there are others.


A Husband's Guide to : Surroundings

Right off the bat I want to say I am unsure where the phrase right off the bat came from...

But that is beside the point.

When I talk about surroundings I am less referring to the area in which you live and more referring to the people you choose to have around.  Apparently I need to surround myself with more English Degreed Writers (and apparently capitalization experts as well).

"There is no such thing as 'capitalization experts', dumbass"

Well it appears the critical voice in my head woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

Whenever I think about the people that surround us I am reminded of an early episode of the West Wing.  In an episode of the show, which focuses around a Democratic President, the President watches a Republican Pundit wipe up the floor with one of his aids on a news program and wants to hire her.  When the Pundit is approached by a member of the President's staff she asks why would the President want to hire her.  The answer was, "the President likes to surround himself with smart people who disagree with him."

I always loved that answer.  I love that answer for two reasons.  One it is an admission that just because one feels a certain way about something doesn't mean that is the right position.  And two it places a profound respect on Intelligence, something sorely lacking sometimes.

Most of my really great friends and I don't see eye to eye on some topics.  I love a good debate.  And I also love a good debate with someone who can intelligently defend their position.  It is important for us as married partners to have friends around us to with different opinions so that we can see other perspectives.

Now don't get me wrong, it is okay to have different opinions and perspectives but we also have to be careful to surround ourselves with friends with the same moral compass.  It is never a good idea to be friends with a liar or cheater.

We can sometimes get sucked into the married life.  Surrounding ourself with only our wife and children but it is important to also get that outside perspective.  And that perspective is even further enhanced if, instead of blind agreement, it provides a challenge to conceived notions, feed by robust debate, and tempered with likeminded morals.


ps : Right off the bat is a baseball term, meaning immediately.  It's first incarnation was "hot off the bat".

Things, Married Drinks

When I used to go to bars, alcoholic drinks had such enticing names, Sex on the Beach, Red Headed Slut, Screaming Orgasm, and Mind Eraser...

After a couple years of marriage those drinks don't really seem to be on the menu anymore.  So I give you a list of Post Married Drinks.  These are the names of drinks if they were made up by married people.

  • "Done using the SCREWDRIVER to fix the screen door"
  • "Sex on the Nice Sheets"
  • "Your Ex-Girlfriend was a Red Headed Whore and you know it"
  • "Quiet Orgasm as to not wake the kids"
  • "You vacuumed the living room without having to be told four times"
  • "Got Enough Sleep to Watch the Sunrise (Tequila wasn't involved)"
  • "I remember why I married you"
So maybe my chances of opening a Bar catering to married people is not going to happen but come on, who doesn't want to order a "Sex on the Nice Sheets"?


Because Keggers Give Way to Dinner Parties

I know I have been so off schedule it isn't even funny and I will get back to regularly scheduled programming in the coming weeks but unfortunately I have gotten busy with the most random of things.  This week is the wife's Birthday Week.  Yes, I said Birthday Week.  My family does birthday's big so it could not simply be contained in just one day.  In fact my happy ass was up at 7.30am on a Saturday to go get breakfast Tacos for the wifey.  Let birthday week begin.

Tonight we have a romantic dinner scheduled which should be fun.

But I digress.  This post is about the inevitable evolution where everyone loves dinner parties.  Okay, maybe not everyone.  But in our youth to host a party all you had to do was acquire booze, call people, and then drink.  While these were easy and successful affairs age ill affords us the ability to drink with such aplomb.

But you still want to meet up with friends and have conversation.

Which leads us to dinner parties.  Kegs of domestic beer and vodka in plastic bottles gives way to lamb chops served on a bed of potato leak gratin and a sassy red with fine nose.  The topics of conversation evolve as well.  From who is dating whom, to who just had a baby and 401Ks.

Is it the death of youth when one begins to appreciate the finer things in life?


But seriously, who doesn't love a good dinner party.


A Husband's Guide to : The 3 C's

Marriage is a partnership, often times it relies on the agreement between two individuals to not only support one another, but to have one another's back should conflict arise.  It is hard to be completely fair to someone we see and interact with every day.  As the years progress we tend to see more of the flaws than the successes...

In order to really enjoy and support your partner you have to remember the the three C's.  Compliment, Congratulate, and Critique.  By the way it is in that order...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Three C's

  • Compliment.  If you spouse looks wonderful, then tell them so.  Make sure you are genuine in your compliment.  We so often take for granted the amazing things our spouse does everyday.  It can be a challenge to step outside of ourselves to realize how lucky we are to have our partners.
  • Congratulate.  It is important to celebrate the successes of our partners.  Whether it is completing a program of some kind, getting a promotion, or saving the life of a foreign dignitary.  Successes should be enjoyed because they are what lifts us up.
  • Critique.  Certainly there are times when we are hurt, bothered, or even offended by our spouses behavior.  In those instances you will have to have a conversation with them about how you perceived the situation and how they perceived it.  These conversations should always be fact based, with no name calling, and of course constructive.

(You need to understand that the part above was written a few days before the part below.  That will hopefully explain the change in tone.  You see I was re-reading this and while I agree with the points above it is not anything that a thousand "relationship experts" have thought about and written about.  I would go as far as to say it is a little boring)

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Three F's (Yeah, its going down like this)
  • Fake Excitement : I am really a homebody.  I like just chilling at home, making some dinner and enjoying a quiet evening.  My wife on the other hand loves going out.  Most of the time I am agreeable to going out but there are a few random occasions I choose to fake some serious excitement.  I do this so that the wife doesn't always feel she is going out with a Sour Sam or a Negative Nick.
  • Forget Fights : The real key to the success of any relationship is to let go of anger.  It is never fair to have an argument and then continuously bring it up any chance you get.  If we have a fight, after it is over I do my best to forget it ever happened.
  • Fuck With Her : As we men basically hit the zenith of our maturity at around age 7 I still love to mess with my wife.  Whether it is trying to mess with her while she is reading a book, or pulling her back down on the bed 10 times while she is trying to get up I cannot help it.  
So as you can see I have presented two different lists of helpful hints.  The first a boring but mature method of supporting your partner.  The other a more interesting way to look at things.  Choose one, choose both, or do your own thing.  And too be honest you know option three is the best...


Things : Pre-Marriage Questions

Before my wife and I got married we bought a book called "1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married."

Our exploration of this book started as a lark(yeah I just used lark in a sentence, jealous?) but soon became a very serious endeavor.  It served as a great spring board for exploring topics that we didn't think of or were scared to dive into.  However in reflecting on this book I have thought of a few questions that were not covered that I think every engaged couple should explore before walking down the aisle.

Things that you should ask before marriage:

Zombie Section

  • If we had two weapons, a crossbow and a machete, which weapon would you want me to use and which weapon would you want to use?
  • I am turned into a Zombie, do you:
    • Capture me, and search the earth for a cure
    • Shoot me in the head immediately because you know I would not want to be a zombie
    • Let me bite you so we can be zombies together
    • Run away screaming screw you, I'm dating your sister(or brother) now
  • Would you be willing to kill our human neighbors for their food so we can survive, because after all he seems to take good care of his family.  I mean why can't you get a promotion at work.  And have you seen her new car...
  • How much pre zombie war stock piling is too much?

Reality TV Show Possibilities Section
  • What would be the name of a reality tv show that follows our life?
  • What type of facial hair would you(or like me to) grow for a Television show:
    • Thin chin strap beard
    • Full beard
    • Mustache only, but definitely a handlebar
    • Something modeled from the people on The Hunger Games
  • Who would you rather us be friends with :
    • A slightly alcoholic couple who are very kind
    • A mildly alcoholic couple who are funny
    • An alcoholic couple who are rich
    • An extremely alcoholic couple who are crazy rich
  • If only one of us could spend the money made on our reality tv show who should spend the money and what should it be spent on?
Let's Play Pretend Section
  • If we had to divorce and go into an arranged marriage with other partners would you want me to pick your new spouse?
  • If we had to divorce and go into an arranged marriage with other partners would you want to pick my new spouse?
  • If you die can I marry one of your friends, if so, do you have someone in mind?
  • What would you rather give up, your cell phone for 1 year or our wedding album forever?
  • If I murdered someone would you remarry before or after I was executed?
  • Would you rather open a restaurant or a clothing store with me?
  • Who would you rather go to for advice, me or my parents?


UPDATED : For extra fun I have made my wife answer each question.  

Zombie Section

  • If we had two weapons, a crossbow and a machete, which weapon would you want me to use and which weapon would you want to use?  Wife : Crossbow because I don't think your accuracy would be as good as mine and I don't think I have the arm strength to use a machete.
  • I am turned into a Zombie, do you:
    • Capture me, and search the earth for a cure
    • Shoot me in the head immediately because you know I would not want to be a zombie.  Wife : Fuck you dude, shoot you in the head, everyone knows there is no cure.
    • Let me bite you so we can be zombies together
    • Run away screaming screw you, I'm dating your sister(or brother) now
  • Would you be willing to kill our human neighbors for their food so we can survive, because after all he seems to take good care of his family.  I mean why can't you get a promotion at work.  And have you seen her new car...  Wife:  Is this in a zombie scenario again.  No, no, no.
  • How much pre zombie war stock piling is too much?  Wife : Her head cocked to the side, "Really?"

Reality TV Show Possibilities Section
  • What would be the name of a reality tv show that follows our life?  Wife: Can I come back to that one?
  • What type of facial hair would you(or like me to) grow for a Television show:
    • Thin chin strap beard.  Wife : Chip strap beard with a sigh, wait a minute can I amend that to chops.
    • Full beard
    • Mustache only, but definitely a handlebar
    • Something modeled from the people on The Hunger Games
  • Who would you rather us be friends with :
    • A slightly alcoholic couple who are very kind
    • A mildly alcoholic couple who are funny.  Wife : The funny people.
    • An alcoholic couple who are rich
    • An extremely alcoholic couple who are crazy rich
  • If only one of us could spend the money made on our reality tv show who should spend the money and what should it be spent on?  Wife : I would spend the money.  Savings and homes and stuff.
Let's Play Pretend Section
  • If we had to divorce and go into an arranged marriage with other partners would you want me to pick your new spouse?  Wife : No, then more energetic, NO
  • If we had to divorce and go into an arranged marriage with other partners would you want to pick my new spouse?  Wife : No
  • If you die can I marry one of your friends, if so, do you have someone in mind?  Wife : Yes to the first question and no to the second.
  • What would you rather give up, your cell phone for 1 year or our wedding album forever?  Wife : That's not fair, fuck it, I would give up the pictures.
  • If I murdered someone would you remarry before or after I was executed?  Wife : After
  • Would you rather open a restaurant or a clothing store with me?  Wife : Restaurant...  Well...  Restaurant, but this time in a much quieter voice.
  • Who would you rather go to for advice, me or my parents?  Wife : depends on what the advice is about.  

A Husband's Guide to : Is Your Marriage a Brand or a Product?

My wife and I went out with my family the other night and my father, brother, and I started to have an interesting conversation around the concept of a brand and product as well as what their life cycles entail.  (I know, I know, dinner with my family sounds incredibly exciting)

We started by talking about how long a brand really stays around.  At first we named really recent companies and brands but soon the conversation lead to stronger brands that have endured the test of time.  Brands like General Motors, NBC, and Clorox.  Then we started thinking about products and how what each brand produced changed over time.  GM's cars have evolved over time, NBC started as a radio company and moved to TV and Clorox has made many different kinds of bleach.

I then started to think about this concept of a brand versus a product and how it relates to a marriage.  You know what there is something I haven't done in a while that I really need to do:

"Tell us your real name?"

No voice in my head, keep it down.

"Just checking."

No, I need to do a...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Brands Vs. Products

  • A Brand : Encompasses an ideal or concept.  It means more than just a simple utility or item.  A brand has staying power.
  • A Product : Solves only a few problems and is finite in it's application.
  • A Brand : Has an identity and an intrinsic value, when the brand is named it means something.
  • A Product : Has a concrete value associated to it's specific use.
So keeping all this mind how do you think of your marriage?  Do you think of it in terms of Brand or a Product.  Do you and your spouse move through each day trying to accomplish one specific task or do you have something more complex in mind.  Are you just a couple who live together, or do you both have similar values and ideals that when combined create a lasting impression on the world around you?


Because I Would Not Stop for the Flu, It Kindly Stopped for Me

Hello my good and faithful followers (I will totally forgive you if you are neither good nor faithful).

I have missed a week's worth of posts and that is mainly due to me being good and truly sidelined by what I am calling a "summer flu".  It started early last week and left me down for the count up until around Sunday.  I am still working on my post about how I feel about taxes however after the wife gave it a read I have decided to make some changes or perhaps even re-write the whole thing but I swear that is coming.

Rather than trying to fit a guide into this post I am going to leave you with some things that I learned while dealing with the "summer flu":

Mad Men is an okay show : I could only muster about an two hours awake at a time and while I was awake I watched tv.  Many people have told me that Mad Men was not to be missed so I called upon the Netflix queue and watched the first season.  It is not the greatest show in the world by any means but it is pretty decent.

Cats know when you are sick : My cat would keep watch over me in my awful condition and would be loving and caring.  However, feeding time is still feeding time and she was pissed if I did not get my butt up to provide a new can of cat food, she has after all, grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

You really notice where you "missed a spot" when sick : Because when nauseous you can't really move your head more than a couple millimeters at a time without hurling you really notice the places where you missed a spot cleaning your place.  I like to think I keep a clean apartment, but to be honest, after staring at the legs of my couch for 3 minutes I really need to clean more thoroughly.

You can lose 10 pounds in just 3 days : But you do not need any fancy diets or pills.  Just a horrid flu.  I am still weak and tired but I will be damned, my pants fit better.  You know silver lining and all...

Thank you for bearing with me while I was down for the count and I promise a better post on saturday!


A Husband's Guide to : Danger

I usually begin thinking about my Saturday blog post on the drive home from work on Friday.  This friday I found myself thinking about how silly some words sound singular vs. plural based on their common usage and then I found that STDs were the funniest category:

Herpes becomes Herpe (I got a Herpe)
Crabs becomes Crab (I gots a case of Crab, which taken out of context would sound delicious)
Syphilis becomes Syphili (Which sounds like the name of the next generation operating system for Windows.  Windows Syphili, faster than Vista, more powerful that XP)

I have no idea why I found this so funny, nor did I think it would be enough for an entire blog post but you know how I like to share.  So instead of trying to stretch out that concept I am moving on to danger.

(Dramatic Music)

The thought danger occurred to me today while drinking alcohol in my boss's office.  I guess I should first explain how I got there.

During a meeting my boss, myself, and some co-workers where talking about our weekend plans.  Someone mentioned that they just wanted a stiff drink and 12 hours of sleep.  I work in marketing and as such we work long hours.  We all started talking about our favorite "adult beverages" and one person mentioned that Jack Daniel's has a new Honey Bourbon Liquor out.  My boss immediately was excited, she is fan of bourbon.  I offered to make a trip to the "Adult Candy Store" during lunch and acquire Honey Jack Daniels if everyone agreed to have a drink together at the end of the day.  Yeah, that was a real arm twister, let me tell you.

So at the end of the day we all gathered in my Boss's office with styrofoam cups.  As the Honey Bourbon was poured we each took our first tentative sip.  Then another, then another...  Damn it was tasty.  It had a smooth bourbon taste with the sweetness of honey, it was warm going down but after the ice in our cups melted just a little it was perfect.  My boss then mentioned, "this stuff is dangerous."

And she was right.

The Jack Daniels Honey Bourbon had a delicious taste but if you weren't careful you would just drink one glass after another and before you knew it you would be "Tore up from the floor up."  Which then got me to thinking what other dangerous things could be lurking in our lives and because this is a marriage blog... our marriage.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Dangerous Things

  • Dates : As we get busy in our lives it is easy to over look milestones that should be celebrated.  It starts when you forget your first kiss, of miss an anniversary because of being busy.  Even if you both do it, it still represents danger.  Your relationship should always be top of mind and milestones should be acknowledged and celebrated in whatever way you like.  Maybe it is not a fancy night out for dinner, but it should be honored in some way.
  • Assumptions : As we grow with our partner sometimes we are sure we know how the other will react.  This is always dangerous, especially if you predict it will be fine when it isn't.
  • Taking for Granted : We are all guilty of taking our loved ones for granted.  It is a constant struggle to say thank you and appreciate the little things, especially when you have grown accustomed to them.  The two most powerful words in the world are "Thank you."  They convey an appreciation that can mean the world to someone else.
The danger is looking at your spouse with "old eyes."  Sometimes the best thing to do is treat your spouse like they are new to you.  I don't mean forgetting their name either...  It is about the little moments when you are still surprised by one another.  It is about treating the 15th anniversary with the same excitement as the first.  


And That's When I Realized Bagels Are Not Appropriate Wedding Gifts

Okay, let me be honest here, that title has nothing to do with what I am going to write here.  It just sounded funny in my head.  I have no idea why I thought of a sentence like that but hey I am just going to go with it.

I have been working on a post about Taxes and how I feel about them, however it is an exceeding long post, lacking humor and might in some small way make me seem like a douche-bag.  So until I can de-douche that post, or over-douche it(I believe in extremes) I cannot post it.

Instead I will share with you my super power.  Super Delayed Hearing!  (Insert powerful trumpet music here).  Now you might be thinking, "what in the fuck is super delayed hearing?"  I have bad hearing in general, it might have set in at an early age having to do with getting tubes in my ears or it might just be a malady passed on by my father, in any case I suck at hearing.

However, I think part of my brain has come to compensate for that fact and if I hear something I do not understand my brain seems to take what it heard and begin a process where is tries to make sense of the sounds I have heard.  This process can sometimes take a few seconds but more often than I not I come away with what was said.  Now if I could just keep my mouth shut for the seconds it takes to process this information I would be fine, however I instinctively say "huh?"

My wife is a woman of extremes as well.  I describe her as going from def-con 0 to def-con 27 in a heartbeat.  This is not to say she is mean or hits me or anything but if she says something in a normal voice and say "huh?" rather than increasing her volume to the appropriate level, he goes into full on hearing aid failing volume.

This results in her saying "Can you pee in <blank> water <blank> purple haze"

Then me saying, "huh?"

Mental processing complete, oh empty the dishwasher.

Then her yelling "Can you empty the dishwasher please"

Okay, okay, it might not be a super power.  Actually now that I think about it, it might be a weakness.  Damn, you public education system for falsely boosting my self esteem.  (Shaking fist at sky)

Unfortunately now I am having a hard time ending this post... Oh wait, how about it:

...And then I found 5 dollars.

Nailed It


A Husband's Guide to : The Present Closet

My mother is a hostess like none other.  If a soiree (really, that's how you spell that?) is to be thrown my mother is the queen of presentation.  She can make anything seem fancy.  I marvel at her seemingly endless collection of serving dishes (some handed down from generations gone by, others bought at JC Penny).  I mention this to frame my mother's ability to be prepared.  She is kind of like a Social Etiquette Girl Scout.

During my teenage years, when my ability to prepare for anything other than sleep or video games was non-existent, my mother always had anything I needed in the Present Closet.  The present closet had cards for any occasion, all manor of wrapping paper, gift bags, and of course all kinds of little knick-knacks and gifts.  The present closet saved me so many times it is hard to count.

Now as I have grown up I have started my own present closet.  If I see something the wife might want I just buy it and keep it in the present closet.  If I see a good gift for my brother, I just buy it and put it in the present closet.  If I receive a package of something I ordered on Amazon that I don't remember ordering because I was drinking near the internet then I just put it in the gift closet.

The results of this process means that at any given time I am ready to provide a gift at a moment's notice and it has saved me time and time again.  Didn't have time to go shopping for a friend's present, not to worry already had it in the gift closet.  Need a last minute host gift so that I can look like the best guest at a friend's dinner party, not to worry have it in the gift closet.  Wife gets mad at me for snoring, give her a gift from the gift closet.  About the only problem it won't solve is if a wild badger gets set loose in the apartment, but let's be honest, that only happens once a year right?

The gift closet is one of those little tricks that has helped me be more prepared.  I really enjoy shopping for friends and with the closet I can do it year round so holidays don't creep up on me.  Plus I am always on the look out for stuff the wife might like so that when her birthday comes up everything is handled.


A Husband's Guide to : Mommy Bloggers

So when I first started to write this blog a friend of mine recommended I do research on other blogs to find out what I thought was good writing and inspiration.  Keep in mind that my wife and I do not have kids yet.  

So I spent weeks scouring the internet looking for good writing to act as both an inspiration and a level set for my own writing and content.  I set about this blog writing for myself, however I also wanted to ensure that what I wrote about was funny, insightful, or at the very least readable.  

Husband blogs are few and far between but I found a few worth following.  But interestingly enough, I found that more often than not I was following "Mommy Blogs."  This struck me as odd because I do not have kids but for some reason the honest, and inherently sarcastic tone that most "Mommy Blogs" have struck a chord with me.  Sure enough I follow some interestingly informative marriage blogs, and hilarious single blogs, but I keep coming back to "Mommy Blogs".

The internet is this amazing thing that allows for people in all sorts of situations to share their own hopes, fears, thoughts, opinions, and musings with the world.  I am a six foot one, gun toting, rum swilling, swear machine that follows a bunch of mommies and I would not have it any other way.

Mommy Bloggers I salute you.  Your content is entertaining and bold, your opinions honest and fair.  I will keep reading as long as you keep writing.


Arch-Nemesis : Cast Iron Skillet

I have a new arch enemy.  Sure it is an inanimate object, but that doesn't make me crazy at all I swear.  My wife and I both cook and clean so there is no division of labor when it comes to those chores.  About a week ago my wife made some delicious chicken in our new 20 dollar cast iron skillet.  My wife tends to cook with high heat (there are so many puns/innuendos I could put there but I choose to control myself) and as such the skillet got some caked on stuff.  "Not to worry, I told her, I will clean it up."

Phase 1 : Soak over night
I set the skillet aside in some hot soapy water, sure that the next morning it would come off with ease.
SCORE : Skillet 1, TheHusBlog 0

Phase 2 : Soak overnight in soap only, no water then go at it with green scrubby sponge
Some stuff started to free itself from it's skillet bonds but alas more work needed to be done.
SCORE : Skillet 2, TheHusBlog 0

Phase 3 : SOS Pads
First off this did get even more stuff off but it also got all kinds of weird blue/grey SOS soap under my nails.  Had to take a break to cut my nails.
SCORE : Skillet 3, TheHusBlog 0

Halftime Break, it is at this point I should point out that the skillet was only 20 dollars and I had worked on it for three days.  So, while it would have been easier to just buy a new skillet I was not going to quit.

Phase 4 : Steal Wool
Now we are talking.  The scrubbing with the steal wool started to do some real damage to the caked on stuff  and the tide was turning.
SCORE : Skillet 3, TheHusBlog 1

Phase 5 : Copper Coated Steal Wool
Even more progress now, in fact I thought this was going to be the end game but still some pieces hung on for dear life.
SCORE : Skillet 3, TheHusBlog 2

Phase 6 : Knife
Now I went at this thing with the blunt end of a knife, forcefully and purposefully (can't believe those are both words) scraping the last of it.
SCORE : Skillet 3, TheHusBlog 3

So over the course of several days I probably spent around 3 hours cleaning a 20 dollar pan.  Sure I could have probably bought a new one and saved the trouble but TheHusBlog is not a quitter!

Well played Skillet, I am sure we will meet again...


A Husband's Guide to : Exhaustion

In the past 2 days I have gotten a total of 3 hours of sleep.  You might now be asking yourself, "Then why is TheHusBlog writing a blog post rather than sleeping," or "Maybe is name is Jesse?"  First off I am writing this post because I am dedicated to this blog and I had something very interesting happen that I want to document.  

Working in a technology production support environment sometimes means that things go wrong and you cannot leave until they are fixed.  That situation cropped up on Thursday.  I started work at 7.00am Thursday morning and I did not leave work until 6.00am Friday morning.  Unfortunately, me and my team still had a bunch of work to do on Friday so we all went home, slept until 9.00 am and started work again (from home).  There is the three hours.  

Some people get cranky when they are tired, I get goofy.  I tend to crack stupid jokes and laugh myself silly.  But the other thing that happens is sub-consciously all the energy I use to worry about things, over think situations, and plan my every action gets redirected to critical thinking and making sure I walk without hitting walls.  

The result of this energy shift is that I go from being a Type-A need to be in control person to a Type-B go with the flow cause it could be cool person.  So when I finished up with work the wife asked me if I wanted to see a movie.  I said yes without thinking about the pros and cons or worrying about if there was even a movie that I wanted to see.  Then we tried a new restaurant, did some shopping at the mall and then some grocery shopping.  All of these activities I just agreed to because we were already having a good time.  Now I am completely exhausted write (so exhausted I am using puns without realizing it) now as I write this but I wanted to capture the effects of that exhaustion.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Things I Normally Think of That I Don't When I am Exhausted
  • Is this going to be a hassle?
  • What am I going to get out of this?
  • But I want to do what I want to do?
  • I don't think this is going to be fun?
  • What time will we get home?
  • How much is this going to cost?
  • Can we afford this?
I am not saying you need to get to exhaustion to make your spouse happy, or that you should never ask the above questions.  Instead I am just pointing out that going with the flow is good for your marriage.  Sure sometimes it is important to take control and take care of yourself.  But not all the time.  

Sometimes just going with the flow is best thing for you and your spouse.

-TheHusBlog, now I am going to set this to post and get some sleep.

A Husband's Guide to : What to Not Care About

Many years ago I was a psychology major in college.  That is not what I ended up as but it was a start.  I was intensely interested in the reasons why people feel the way they do and how the environment can shape that.  As a result I often sat in many a community college psychology class.  During one of my classes the professor brought in a recording he had made of a 20/20 (I think?) broadcast on a group of psychologists studying married couples over a period of like 10 years.

What stuck with me was the claim one of the psychologists made.  He claimed he could determine how long a couple would stay married after interviewing them.  As the program went on this psychologist spoke about his theory which was interlaced with scenes of various couples talking about their marriage.  The greatest predictor was that once the couple stopped fighting and said "I don't care" it was over.  I don't mean to say this is a "do whatever makes you happy and I will support it I don't care," what he was talking about was the exasperated, exhausted "fuck it, I just don't care."  The news segment ended with one of the couples that had been featured talking about a conflict they were having about where to move.  You could tell it was over by the end of their exchange...  The wife said, "I don't care."  The scene cut to the newsman talking to the psychologist and he said, based on what I have seen, I give them 5 years before divorce.

Now hold that thought for a minute.

Recently I was watching another program and a divorce attorney was being interviewed.  The divorce attorney said his biggest enemy was not the other side but often his own clients.  He said that after long legal battles one side just usually gives up.  Stops fighting for anything and just says "I don't care."  The lawyer went on to explain that it is at this point that his client loses.  Rather than fighting for what he/she wants or deserves he/she just wants it to be over.

So if there is anything we can take away from the two above items is that "I don't care" can be incredibly damaging.  This is not to say that everything has to be a fight, but you have to be willing to stand up for what you believe in...  And you have to be patient when presenting your point to your spouse.

There are so many things to care about, but there are just as many that we shouldn't.  To many times we get them confused.  In fact I bet if you really looked back on your past couple fights with your spouse by the time the fight was over it had nothing to do with what started it.

Save your energy for the things that really matter.  That way when the big stuff comes up you won't be too exhausted to deal with it.  Let go of the little things and move forward and I think you will find being unburdened with the resentment of missing the first two previews because the spouse was late to leave for the movies will make you a better person.  And more importantly, I am sure the preview is online anyway.


Comments, Shout Outs, and a Fun New Game

Hello Internets!

Yeah I just made internet plural on purpose...  What are you going to do about it?  Nothing!  Yeah that's right I am a digital badass.

Sorry about the above sentences I get a little grandiose when I have been drinking, which for those you playing along with the home game, means I am two drinks ahead.  And I am probably 2 more drinks away from buying Steve Winwood's Greatest Hits on iTunes.  (Loyal readers know what's up).

As you can tell by my the title I have several topics to cover.  First off is comments.  A couple other bloggers sent me emails this week letting me know of comment issues.  It appears that blogger has made it difficult to leave comments and I wanted to change that.  I have altered some settings which should make you able to leave comments now.  I have loosened up the requirements enough that I am betting some bots will be able to leave comments as well, but I assure you I will make the best of it.  (So going to flame my own comments if bot comments start to pop up)

Secondly I want to give shout outs to the kind bloggers who sent me an email letting me know my comments were jacked up.

Andrea at Maybe It's Just Me, which is very funny and insightful, never preachy, and makes you feel at home.

Bailey.m.t at Nerdy Shiny Pointy Things, which is probably the greatest blog title ever.

Thirdly my Fun New Game.  There are several words I use every now and again that often get the weird head turn and a "huh".  So I am going to list these words with two possible definitions.  One is the real definition and the other is a made up one.  Read and see if you can guess which one is right.  And if you want to know the right answer just google it!


  • A store that sells clothing and personal items.
  • Running quickly around your friend Haber, forcing him to pay your dinner bill.
  • Having a condition that causes one to pass gas of an exotic variety, often smelling like the Quix Flower of Eastern Yemen.
  • A chivalrous, but foolish action.
  • A condition of discontent, associated with choosing a profession of ill repute.
  • An assembly or gathering of people.
  • According to or ordered by Cannon Law of the Church.
  • According to or ordered by Cannon Law of the Union of Cannon Fired Circus People.

A Husband's Guide to : What Interviewing for a Job Can Teach Us About Our Marriage

As a ubiquitous middle manager at a Marketing company I do a lot of interviewing.  Recently people have noticed that I seem to have a knack for finding the right candidates and rejecting the wrong ones.  In fact the past couple that have been hired against my suggestion have been so bad that people now will not hire a candidate without my approval.

During a recent round of interviews I was going over my methodology with a colleague and explaining how I decide on candidates.  My process involves three main steps :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : My Interview Caveats

  • Get them comfortable.  I believe I have a much higher chance of getting honest answers if the candidate is at ease.  I crack jokes, sit casually, and make sure they don't need anything like a beverage.
  • Vary between experience and attitude questions.  No one wants to sit through an interview with a hundred "Tell me about a time when you..." questions.  At the same getting a million "Tell me why we should hire you" questions can also be off putting.  I like to vary asking a couple experience questions and them some attitude opinion questions.  One of my current favorites is tell me what your biggest professional pet peeve is?
  • Pay Fucking Attention!  Here is the key to my success.  I listen to what they are saying and because I have made them comfortable and asked the right questions I get to pick up on all the things they might try to hide or don't want me to know.  If a candidate, when asked about a difficult project, spends more time talking about the barriers he faced because of other people that candidate is most likely a victim and not proactive.  If a candidate, when asked about a task he did not enjoy, talks about it being beneath him, then he has a chip on his shoulder and is not willing to pay his dues.  Or, if a candidate, when asked about a professional mistake in his past cannot think of one, then he is not someone who is able to view himself objectively.
I know what you are thinking, what does this have to do with marriage?

Actually it has a lot to do with marriage.  We must use the same techniques in interviewing as we do with our spouses.  Not because we want to trip them up, but because we want them comfortable enough to answer our questions honestly.  Sometimes marriage discussions can be tough and if we do not take the time to make our partner comfortable, ask the right questions, and pay attention we might miss out on something.

If you are a newlywed you might be thinking, that will never happen with me and my sweetie, we tell each other everything.  If that is true, awesome. But the fact of the matter is as time goes on in a marriage it can get harder and harder to share your true feelings.  You might not be willing to admit something, you might want to spare your partner's feelings, or you might even want to have more time to process something you are feeling.  But in order to have a great marriage you have to be willing to have the hard conversations as well.  

Conversations about finances, when to have kids, sexual concerns, and extended family issues can create a very tense situation.  But if you take the time to put one another at ease, ask the right questions and really pay attention you can have a meaningful and fruitful dialogue.


A Husband's Guide to : Redefining Acronyms

First off, I think I spelled acronyms wrong in the title of this blog post but I am blazing through that for two reasons.  One, spelling has never been my strong suit, and two, I have been drinking.

(Think of a good segue here)

So, with the influx of technology, the written word is becoming a hybrid of communication, emotion, and connection.  In the past, the written word could move people to great action, convey the sincerest of condolence, and challenge conventional wisdom.  However with the creation of texting and social media the written word is being thrown around as casually as (insert non-offensive metaphor here).  We, as an online society have chosen brevity over thoughtfulness, and convention over personalization.  We have created terms that almost everyone understands now, like LOL or BRB.  But these things could change on a whim.  What would happen if all the acronyms that we use daily all of sudden meant something else.  Then we as a society would have to *gasp* write out whole words.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : New Acronyms...

  • LOL used to mean Laugh Out Loud.  But now "Like Otters Loser".  Used to tell people that even though what they said was good, if they do not enjoy otters they will be losers.  
    • JIMMY : And that is when I fell over the keg because I drank too much to do a keg stand.
    • BOBBY : LOL
    • JIMMY : You are right that was dumb, I will be sure to respect Otters in the future, good looking out man.
  • LMAO used to mean Laughing My Ass Off.  But now "Listen Man, Actual Orders".  Used to tell people how serious their plans were.
    • HECTOR : And that is when I found out my 6 year old wasn't actually mine.
    • VICK : LMAO
    • HECTOR : Yeah man, of course I am going respect the court's decision.
  • BRB used to mean Be Right Back.  But now "Bring Rectum Bandages".  Used to tell your friends when you are in a world of hurt.
    • KEN : I am about to bang that German Girl with the huge biceps...  BRB
    • GREG : You know she is a dude right????!!!!!!
    • KEN : Duh.  That is why I said BRB
  • JK used to mean Just Kidding.  But now "Just Killing".  Used to tell your friends when you are engaged in homicide.
    • CATHY : About to deal with that bitch who slept with my boyfriend... JK
    • MISSY : JK?
    • CATHY : There sure is a lot of blood, do you have a mop handy?
    • MISSY : LOL
    • CATHY :  Of course I like otters, what am I a crazy person?
  • YMMV used to mean Your Mileage May Very.  But now "You maybe missed, Vader".
    • STORMTROPPER : The rebels are getting away YMMV.
    • DARTH VADER : ...
    • STORMTROPPER : <gasp> <gurgle> <gasp>

Writer's Block Rescue

So, just in case you haven't noticed my updates have gotten a wee bit sporadic over the past two weeks.  This is due to two main things.  One have had some pretty full weekends and two, writer's block.

I was checking email this afternoon while enjoying the greatest Ice Cream in the world : High Road Brown Butter and Praline.

Jennifer from High Heels and Dirty Dishes tagged little old me in a post and all of a sudden I had some inspiration.

Here are the rules, I have to answer her questions and post them here.  So here are my answers to her questions.

1. I admitted that I'm a bit of an aficionado on the Manson Family; What is your eccentric curiosity?  I am a super Sci-Fi and Pop Culture geek.  I also love to cook and watched (and enjoyed) the entire DVD that came with my Cuisinart Food Processor.
2. Most people would be shocked to hear that I can _____/ I cannot ______. Choose one, or answer both. Whatever floats your boat!  I have no sense of direction.  That gene is completely missing from my chromosomes.  I get lost everywhere I go.  
3. List a song that makes you laugh and one that makes you cry.  Laugh : Anything by Weird Al, Cry : I do not cry.
4. If you had a hired hand to do just one thing for you all of the time, what would their duty be?  Cook me healthy and delicious meals.
5. There's still a part of me that dreams about becoming a __________ someday, even though it's complete bullshit and never going to happen.  This is going to sound strange but I always wanted to be a research psychologist focusing on diagnostics.  Also a ninja.  If I had to choose between the two listed...  Ninja all the fucking way.
6. You've been given an all-inclusive trip to one place, anywhere in the world, and could bring 1 guest. Where would you go and who would you take with you?  El Dorado Maroma in Cancun.  And I would take my wife.  It is my favorite vacation spot of all time.
7. If you were a character in a James Bond movie, what would your character's name be?  My name would be "The Fez" because I would wear a ridiculously tiny fez on my head that would conceal a tiny slingshot I could use with annoying accuracy.  
8. List 3 of your guilty pleasures in life.  TV, Captain Morgan, and Blogging
9. What's the best and worst thing about the community you live in?  I live in downtown Dallas so the best thing is that I can walk to get almost anything.  The worst thing is getting hit up for money everywhere I walk to.
10. The older I get, the more I ___________.  I want to spend on furniture.
11. What's the punchline to your favorite joke? Just the punchline.  And that's why we can't have nice things.

Now on to the next part.  I have to come up with 11 questions for other bloggers to answer.  I am supposed to tag them but I will just put my questions out to the world.  If you want to answer them please do it in a post on your own blog but be sure to leave a comment here with a link so that other people can check out your answers.

  1. You have an apple, a shard of glass, 5 ft of rope, and 2 dead AA Batteries.  What kind of weapon do you make?
  2. If you had a magazine the exemplified your life, what would the title of that magazine be?
  3. What is your favorite cocktail and why?
  4. You can have either : A bag that could hold anything you put in it and not grow any larger or be any heavier or 20 pills that when each one was taken would allow you to lose 10 pounds overnight painlessly and without any side-effects, which do you choose and why?
  5. You could either be an ensign on the Star Ship Enterprise (Next Generation), The Doctor's Companion, or a super hero for a year, which one do you choose and why?
  6. What is one store you are embarrassed that you shop at?
  7. What is one website you are embarrassed that you frequent?
  8. What, exactly, would you do for a Klondike Bar?
  9. If you had 1 million dollars to donate to any charity what charity would you choose?
  10. Sharks, what the fuck is up with them?
  11. If you were a super hero what would your name and super powers be?

Random Post, Try to Keep Up


  So I was a bad blogger and missed Saturday's Post.  I have no good excuse, it was just a very busy weekend.  Unfortunately, here we are Wednesday and the Muse is not really inspiring me.  So I give you a bunch of little random posts rolled into one, kind of like 7 layer bars but less fattening.

Funny Thing My Mother In Law Says:
  • <To Me> : "I saved your old silverware in case <wife's name here> leaves you and takes your silverware with her."
  • "If it gets too late after dinner I can just stay the night, it will be fun."
  • <To my wife> : "Having you was the happiest day of my life, even though I was in labor for 13 hours and almost died."

Random Conversation With My Wife

WIFE : I need you to pick up all of our packages from the front desk from now on.

ME : Okay....  Why?

WIFE : Because I think the guy down there thinks I am a shop-a-holic.

ME : So you think the leasing agent is silently judging you?

WIFE : Yes.

ME : Glad I didn't marry a crazy person.

Random Conversation with a Co-Worker

COWORKER : Where do you want to go to lunch?

ME : How about Sweet Tomatoes (This is a healthy Salad Bar and Soup Place)

COWORKER : Ew no.  Do you know how many common people touch the handles to the serving utensils there?

ME : Did you just say 'common people'?

COWORKER : Yes, and I need to go somewhere that I will be served.

ME : I feel like I am still back at the whole 'common people' thing.

COWORKER : Well we have moved on, I need you to keep up.

ME : So Chili's then?

COWORKER : Very well.


A Husband's Guide to : Work Emotions

So I was driving home today from work with two over riding thoughts.  One was based on a work situation in which something I said was misconstrued and a friend was hurt.  This was something that very much bothered me and I was upset but the whole situation.  The other thing rattling around in my head was what the hell am I going to blog about tonight...

Fortunately, or unfortunately everything came to a head and two problems combined to be both my solution and my penitence...

So my wife had a decent day and was off of work a little early.  She got home threw in a couple loads of laundry and was waiting for me to come home.  She wanted to hit the gym this evening but wanted me to walk with her to a local restaurant, pick out some food and I would take it home and she could run the gym.  Restaurants around us close early so we would have to go before she went to the gym.  This also seemed like a great chance for us to talk about our day and chit chat.

Now I really knew none of this and came home in a bad mood.  Let's breakdown what happened shall we?

I come home, drop my bag on the ground and let out a groan.  Wife was perky and happy to see her husband.  "Hey Baby," she said, "how was your day?"

"Awful," I say, as I plop down on the couch.  "Had a conflict at work, it was shitty, I feel really bad."

"I am sorry to hear that, what happened?"  The nerve of her to be so caring...

"I don't want to talk about it."  Firmly said.

"Well if you wait 20 minutes we can go pick out some dinner together before I go to the gym." she said smiling, the gaul(sp?) of this woman...

"Can you just tell me what you want and I will go pick it up now, I just want to get out of these work clothes..."  Please understand this was said in the most melodramatic way possible, with just a touch of attitude...

Now it is at this point in the conversation my wife said the one word that signifies shit is hitting the fan...


So once the f-bomb got dropped I stopped my thoughts in their tracks and really talked with the wife.  Told her in detail about my work conflict and she told me in detail about her plans for the evening.  Everything worked out, we went and got some food together and she got to work out.

I felt bad, so I did what I normally do when I am in trouble.  Clean.  I folded the clean laundry, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher and started another couple loads of laundry just for good measure.  I hand washed some nice wine glasses and took out the trash.  In short I did the married version of kissing ass.

I had a problem at work with a friend and co-worker that was really bothering me.  It was bothering me so much that I came home still in a bad mood.  I unfortunately did not talk about it and instead was distant and cold to the wife.  Now this only lasted a few minutes but it illustrated how bringing home work problems can be a pain to your significant other.

The key to keeping this from happening to you is to take a couple minutes and calm down before you get home.  The last thing you want to do is bring a work problem home and take it out on your spouse. And if you do slip up a little apologize and get to cleaning...


Marriage Resume

So I once wrote a profound (at least to me) phrase : "Every person you love is a lesson on how to love."  I believe at the time I was pining over a girl with a pierced nose and blue hair, who dug Keats, and lived in my dorm.

Remembering that quote and working on my resume gave me inspiration for this post, good or bad...

The resume is an interesting document, it is part truth, part embellishment, and all history.  Most of us spend hours pouring over our Professional Resume, analyzing each sentence, tweaking each word, and proofing each paragraph.  This document is supposed to represent us in the best light in order to be hired by a company.  This of course got me to thinking that what criteria would be on our Marriage Resume.  What would represent previous employment?  What skills would apply?  What would be the soft skills we bring to the table?

"You think of some strange stuff you know that?"


"Okay just checking."

So without further ado, I give you my marriage resume.  (Names and dates changed to protect the innocent, wronged, or just plain crazy...)

"Did you just ellipse in a parenthesis?  Have you been drinking?"


"Thought so..."

Judgmental Bastard.

TheHusBlog Marriage Resume

Marriage Statement : Having spent a considerable amount of time in long term relationships I am looking to utilize my skills in harmony making and chore management to the benefit of a marriage partner.  I am adept at conflict management, date planning, and potential mother(or father) in law exposure.  I have relationshiped in both high stress and fast paced environments and can keep up with mood changes if needed.  I have had exposure to fear of commitment, daddy issues, and unfounded jealousy and those items have grown my marriage skills considerably.  Multitasking and internal reflection have received high marks on evaluations.

Relationship History

Wendy (Jan 2001 - Oct 2003)
Longest relationship to date.  Focused on proper positive reinforcement and support of late college entry.  Also supported rehabilitation of previous criminal behavior.

  • Successfully navigated complex family dynamics
  • Provided a high level of financial support
  • Dealt with strong and rapid mood swings
Reason for Departure : Lack of long term potential and relationship growth.  Also she was a felon and kind of crazy, just sayin'

Amy Jane (Dec 1998 - June 2000)
Interesting relationship paradigm.  She was an extremely devout Christian and I was agnostic at the time.  Relationship centered on her trying to save me and me trying to damn her.
  • Managed to censor music in car by turning down at volume at swear words
  • Engaged in intimate relations one minute and feeling guilty another
  • Performed a passable inspection when confronted with Highly Religious parental figures
  • Abstained from alcohol during entire duration of relationship (and I was in College at the time)
Reason for Departure : She was pretty sure I was going to Hell (at the time, not sure I disagreed with her)

Victoria (April 1996 - Aug 1997)
Provided relationship duties on a contract to hire basis.  Was often called upon late at night for rapid project turn around.  (Seriously, I am trying to professionally define a booty call).  
  • Provided services on an ad hoc basis
Reason for Departure : I required a role with more stable work hours.

Zelda (Nov 1995 - Feb 1996)
The situation had me in a relationship with a single mother looking to land a good guy.  I fulfilled role admirably with high marks in consideration, patience, and respect.
  • Worked around conflicting schedule demands
  • Exceeded parental expectations
  • Exercised proper restraint to accommodate partner's desires or apparent lack there of...
Reason for Departure : Turns out my position was being performed by another party and I was let go due to duplicate effort.  AKA she was cheating...

  • Able to see at least one romantic comedy per month
  • Financial Provider with long term goals
  • Broad based experience in conflict resolution
  • Can make a wicked Martini
  • Multitasking
  • Cooking and clean proficient
  • Technology Support
  • Foot and back massage
  • Excellent Listener
Okay you have to admit that is pretty funny.  The one thing I have learned from this exercise is that all relationships do teach us about ourselves and you have to understand that your feelings and opinions are merely the product of experience.


I Hope It Floats My Good Sir

One of my best friends and I happened to be able to go out have some lunch today.  We used to work together so lunches used to be more common.  Now that we do not work together each lunch we get to have is a little more special...

(Just re-read the above paragraph, what am I writing a blog post or Tuesday's With Morry?  Hey Hallmark just called they want their card idea back...)

Okay back to the story.  So my friend and I went out to eat.  While we were eating I was telling him how I have been watching what I eat and working out.  Here is the conversation.

ME : Yeah, I have been trying to watch my calories and fat to lose some weight and get more healthy.

HIM : You know I have a story related to that but it might not be appropriate for telling while eating.

ME : It's cool, I'm in.

HIM : Several years ago I worked with a guy who was in decent shape, never really worked out but was not overweight or anything.  In any case he went to the doctor one day to get a check up and asked the doctor what it took to be healthy.

ME:  What?

HIM : The doctor told him.  "Cutting all bullshit aside and getting right to root.  If your poop floats you are good.  If it doesn't you are eating too much greasy fatty foods"

ME : Seriously?

HIM : Seriously.

ME : You know what this means?

HIM : What?

ME : Every time I want to wish you well or say good bye I am just going to say : "I Hope It Floats."


A Husband's Guide to : Gay Marriage

"Whoa, TheHusBlog, are you sure you want to get into this topic?  I mean seriously..."

That might be the first time in my life that the voice in my head has made any sense.

"That was kind of a dickhead thing to say"

Ssssshhhhhh, you are pretty when you are quiet.

With the President of the United States recently coming out in support of Gay Marriage, things are heating up in Gay Marriage Debate.

Just a little background, I am a conservative Christian, living in Texas.  But when I really search my heart on how I feel about the issue of Gay Marriage I come up with one undeniable opinion:

I just don't care.

I know religiously I need to be against Gay Marriage right?  But to be honest if two people who are gay want to get married then let them do it.  Let's break this down point by point shall we :

  • Homosexuality is Biblically Wrong : Yes, homosexuality is mentioned twice in the old testament and twice in the new testament.  But also in the Bible is love the sinner hate the sin(not a direct quote).  And while to let homosexuals get married might be a validation of the sin, at least we make honest men and women out of them, right?  Plus marriage in essence has two components.  The spiritual and the socio-economic.  The spiritual is between them and their faith.  None of my business.  The socio-economic is about whether or not they can enter into a contract with one another.  Marriage allows for creation of being immediate family, which becomes very important in medical decisions, or even in the sharing of health care costs(same insurance plan).  Plus they get taxed at a higher rate so if they want that burden come on in and share the pain.  Maybe I have fallen into secular thought but to me, if Adam and Steve want to get married, have at it...  (And by all means read my blog for marriage advice)
  • Once you open the door to Gay Marriage People will marry pets and inanimate objects:  That is absurd for two reasons.  1.) Marriage is a consensual agreement between to self aware beings, and if you can get a dog to say "I do" at the right moment I would be shocked.  2.)  People have been trying to do stupid shit for years already.  Everything from creating their own religion so they can wear a spaghetti strainer as a hat in a Driver's License photo, to marrying themselves.  Gay Marriage is not going to open the flood gates of crazy because I am sorry to tell you the flood gates have been open for a long time already.
  • Gay Marriage Devalues Straight Marriage : Oh hell no!  Nothing devalues my marriage.  I have, We have been busting our asses for years to keep our marriage working.  Through the wife going to school, moving, health scares, money problems, and all kinds of other random crap.  Nothing takes that hard work away from me.  In fact I would love to see a happy gay couple get married and deal with the same stuff we straight people deal with.  I want front row to the first fight about money and I will bring the popcorn.  People are just people and if Eve and Missy (sorry no counter point to Adam and Steve) are going to get married that, in fact, has no effect on my relationship what so ever (unless of course they move in next to me and I can hear their fights through my walls).
Truth be told there are so many other things I care about way more (in no particular order in case I put Cougar Town renewal above World Hunger):
  • Future tax policies
  • Gun rights (I live in Texas)
  • The Environment
  • Government Reform
  • The renewal of Cougar Town (seriously, it is funny show)
  • Losing weight (that will be the topic of another blog post I swear)
  • World Hunger
  • Ending our need for fossil fuels because it has been a long time coming
  • Ending Hatred (except for bad drivers, they deserve the hate)
  • Creating a functional Light Saber (it's time has come)
  • Legalization of Pot (I don't smoke Pot but I really want to fuck with the Drug Cartels and I think that just might do it)
  • Halting the coming Zombie Apocalypse
  • Ending the ridiculous password requirements of at least one capital letter, one special character, one lower case letter, and one number.  (fuck that I say do four unconnected words.  Perhaps this comic will help : Password Strength
  • Having easier access to Ninja Training for all(I so want to be a Ninja)
  • Decreasing crime by ensuring a better life for everyone
  • Increasing the Kilt's Popularity
I am actually scared to post this because I know that Gay Marriage is a hot button issue.  But what I hope to point out is that the world has so many other problems can we please take the energy focused on Gay Marriage and channel it into making the world a better place.  Well that and please Renew Cougar Town, it just has an unfortunate title, give it a chance people.

"Hold up there hoss!  You think you can write about a hot topic and then cover up an anger you might have stirred up by cracking jokes?"

First off are you calling me hoss because I am fat?

"Way to focus on the wrong thing"

It's a gift

"Well are you going to answer my question?"

Okay voice in my head, here is goes :  Humor is the only weapon when faced with strong feelings.  It allows us to take a moment, step outside the reality we have created for ourself and let our opinions fall into place.  Anger is easy, sadness is easy, but a good laugh, that takes more than proper timing...  It take courage because if you can laugh at yourself you can understand everything.

"Seriously?  That is your answer?"

Oh, fuck you, that was profound.

"You mean profane?"

Yeah good point, I am sure to get some hateful comments over this one.


PS see if you can guess how many drinks I had to have to get enough courage up to post this one.  See chart here.

A Husband's Guide to : Couple Role Models

So you know those couples that seem to have it all figured out?  They are fun to be around, seem to compliment each other's personality, and never seem to have a fight.  They are both attractive and have the same hobbies and never nit pick each other.  They balance their work life and social life perfectly and drop everything for the other person without complaining.  You know those types of couples?

If you said yes you are either a total liar, or completely clueless.

The perfect couple does not exist.  Sure there are couples that seem to be perfect, or are effortless but the truth is they work at it... or they just fake it really well in front of you.

Pardon me while I segue for a moment...

As you start to get into marriage your single friends begin to either fall by the wayside or morph into couple friends.  This is a natural thing and happens gradually for most people.  Then one day you wake up and your crazy friend Bob is replaced by Bob and Carol, a lovely couple from the neighborhood.  Oh, and your slutty friend Tiffany, is now Tiffany and John and they are pregnant with their third child.  And let's not forget about Carl the confirmed for life bachelor friend of yours...  You only see him about once a year when he is coming through town on a business trip and even then you start to run out of things to talk about.  The simple fact of the matter is that friendships change as you grow, and sure, age changes things but so does being married.

Segue ended...

As you grow and make new couple friends, inevitably you have that perfect couple friendship.  That couple that makes you feel like you are doing something wrong or that seem to never fight, or have tons of money, or have lots of free time, or any number of other things.  But the simple fact of the matter is they are not perfect.  They have disagreements just like you do and they work at things just like you do.

Falling prey to believing you have a perfect couple to role model is just going to make you crazy.  Everyone is different and just because something is working for them does not mean it will work for you. It is ultimately self defeating to compare your relationship to anyone else's.  And remember you only see what the couple wants you to see.

Instead of comparing or trying to find a role model you and your spouse need to find the time to talk and connect about what you each want in your relationship.  Couple fight, couples don't like one another from time to time, couples even need some space every now and again.  That doesn't mean you fail, or have made a mistake.  It just means you are human.

Most couple end up having a fight over little stuff, and not even questioning the big stuff.  When the chips are down can your spouse count on you.  If you said yes, you are already the perfect couple...


ps and continuing my blatant plugging of previous posts I give you: Things I Would Read

A Husband's Guide to : The 7th Sense

So we all know about the 5 senses : Touch, Smell, Taste, Vision, and Hearing.  And we also know about the Sixth Sense...

"You mean the movie with Bruce Willis and he sees dead people because he is actually dead."

Way to ruin it for everyone voice in my head.

"It came out in 1999, if they haven't seen it yet then they ain't going to see it."

First of all good point, second of all shouldn't you use better grammar than 'ain't'?

"Well thank you, and I am a figment of YOUR imagination so really shouldn't YOU be using better grammar?"

I hate you.

"Feeling is mutual..."

What I actually mean with the sixth sense is that extra sensory perception that something is wrong or that something is not what it appears.  Now I am sure the documented cases of the sixth sense are probably hard to prove but rather than going down that path I would like to focus on the 7th sense.  What is the 7th sense you ask?

"I am positively shaking in anticipation."

Still hate you.

"Yeah, but as a figment of your imagination what does that hatred say about you?"

Valid point.  Moving On...

The 7th sense is something that only married people have.  It is that sense that something is wrong with our partner.  I am not talking about psychically sensing when the other is hurt, or upset, or even struggling with a word problem.  Instead I mean that sense that you have offended your partner.  In order to explain this I am going to have to call on an old and trusty friend...

"You mean me?"

Seriously, you need to shut up now.

"You are a meanie!"

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The 7th Sense Examples

  • Should Not Have Gone Out With My Friends Sense : So there you are with a night off and your spouse has the night off too.  Unfortunately you have made plans with your guy friends.  Even though the wife says it is totally cool, you get a tingling...  Yep you should not have gone out with your friends.
  • I Totally Forgot An Anniversary Or Something : There are no greater words to fear than "so you know why today is special don't you."  The hard truth is if you have to ask then you will never know.  But you have to admit, a little part of you was sure something was off that day right?
  • Fine Is Not Fine : We husbands get conditioned early on to think that Fine is Never, Ever Fine.  It is a dangerous word and to usually means trouble.  Most of us men get a little tingle in our 7th sense when something is fine.
I am sure there are other examples but they escape me now.  Guys remember, the 7th sense is there to help you before you make a terrible mistake.  So by all means, listen up!


And the gem I have unearthed for you today is rather a perfect compliment to this post...  Enragement Pt 2.

A Husband's Guide to : Secret Marriage Games

Every marriage that I know of has secret marriage games.  And no, I am not talking about "naughty" games.  More like the little competitions that crop up after years of wedded bliss.  While every person's finger print is unique so too is every marriage.  The combination of two lives into one is bound to create some friction, that is often expressed through little competitions.  Let's explore some of the more common ones shall we...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Secret Marriage Games


Yes, what do you want now?

"Well two things, first, really, your name, TheHusBlog"

That's not really a question.

"Yeah it is more of an accusation of you having a dumb blogger name."

Well that helps my self-esteem greatly, thanks...  What is your second question?

"If they are secret marriage games how can you define them?"

By using words constructed in sentences using commonly accepted syntax.


Moving on...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Secret Marriage Games

  • New iPhone App Codependence : Words with Friends, Hanging with Friends, Draw Something all have one thing in common.  In most marriages one partner is forced to play it.  Marriage means never having to play a random opponent.  My wife loves all these games and is more than happy to let me know when I have not taken my turn quickly enough.  As if the app reminding me to play isn't enough, I also have my wife texting me with "Draw me a picture."
  • Half Way Thru Television Gambit : If you want to watch  show that your partner typically does not enjoy the best play is to get to the TV first and start watching it before your partner gets there.  Then once your partner joins and starts complaining, you can be like, "it's almost half way over can I just finish it?"  At this point you might even bat your eyes, because let's face it, what monster is going to fight you on that.
  • The Household Account Spending Blitz : Much has been said in terms of the difference between married money and single money.  The key to pilfering household money for your own ends is to get to it fast enough and with a plausible reason.  Consider this :
    • Asking permission : Honey I saw some new towels I think we should have for the bathroom, they are $200 dollars but I think they would look great, what do you think...  The response is likely to be hell no.
    • Informing : Honey I spend $200 dollars on some towels for the bathroom.  Normally I wouldn't but they were on sale and we had money in the household account.  Spend it before your partner can
  • Drawing First Bed : Instead of drawing first blood on your opponent you draw first bed.  Meaning you are the first one to get in at night and can take control of the blankets early and tuck underneath to ensure they remain yours for the night.  
I know there are many other games out there but these are some of my favorites.  In fact on I take part in regularly is Drawing First Bed.  Unfortunately, I lost tonight because I had to write a blog post...  You win this time WifeOfTheHusBlog...


PS : For those of you who have found me recently I am going to be adding links to some of my favorite posts from back in the day...  Today's Gem (and I use that term loosely) is Unspeakables

A Husband's Guide to : Proper Communication Channels

Communication is one of those things I am passionate about.  Books have been written about communication and even about communication in marriage so the idea that I could tackle the topic in a small little blog post is laughable at best.  But I would like to focus on the channel of communication and when it is or isn't appropriate.

In our society we have so many methods of communication at our finger tips it is scary.  In the past you had three, via written word in mail, via phone, via in person.  Now with smart phones, social media, Skype, etc. the communication channels abound.

That being said not all communication channels are equal and some or better suited for some types of communication than others.

"But TheHusBlog how will I be able to tell the difference?"

I am glad you asked.

"You made me ask..."

Shhhhhhhh....you're pretty when your quiet.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Communication Channels and their uses

  • Texting : This is becoming by far the most frequently used channel for communication.  This is best for quick requests, acknowledgments, or messages.  
Some good examples are :
    • "Can you stop by the store on your way home and pick up milk"
    • "I picked up your dry cleaning so no need for you to stop"
    • "Thank you for the sweet sweet lovin' last night"
Some bad examples are :

    • "So why were you in such a bad mood last night" (This is too open ended for a quick response is best handled in person or on the phone)
    • "Can you make plans with your parents for dinner sometime."  (This is trick question.)
    • "The computer doesn't work."  (This is not worded in the form of a question thus cannot be answered.)
  • Video Chat : Video chat is great if you and your spouse are apart.  It can be very comforting to see his/her face when he/she is out of town.  However do not let the technology get in the way.  Many a conversation have been wasted on bad transfer times where one person is talking and the other person is say "huh" repeatedly.  If it isn't working well then close the laptop and pick up the phone.  
  • Facebook : Really only good for posting pictures of your wedding and telling the world that you like tacos.  Oh and if you live in Texas, for posting pictures of your car's thermostat in the summer.   Yeah we get it, it's hot...  What the hell did you expect, we live in Texas!
  • Email : It's not just for business anymore...  Email is great if you are trying to coordinate plans with multiple people.  Start an email thread and watch collaboration at work.
  • Words with Friends Chat : This is a sneaky area where people hide their secret conversations.

All that being said nothing replaces good face to face communication.  We as a society do too much.  We are all balancing multiple things and technology can only make our lives easier if we use it right.  You know the old saying :

Communication is 10% is what you said, 20% is how you said it, 25.7% is what shoes you where wearing when you said it, 18.2% the background noise while you where saying it, 2.9% the color of your eyes, 7.8% the phase of the moon when you said it, 6.4% the manner in which you constructed your verbal segues, 3.5% the name of your first grade homeroom teacher, 2.2% the number of times you cleared your throat, and 3.3% the number freckles visible on your left arm while you were saying it...  Or something like that.  And yes my ADD made sure that all those numbers add up to 100% in case you were wondering.

"I wasn't."

Be quiet voice in my head!

"Because I am pretty when I am quiet you condescending bastard."


"I hate you."

All kidding aside the most important part of effective communication is listening.  Hear what your spouse is saying, ask questions if you are confused, and by all means if you are getting upset take a second for "recalculating"  (That is a shameless plug for a post I wrote a while back that I still think is awesome).


And I Have A New Most Popular Post

I was checking my stats today and it looks like my former most popular post Guide To Bleaching You Asshole has been dethroned.

My new most popular post is My New Hat is Legit.  I have no idea why this has occurred but I felt it was interesting enough to share.  It also makes me curious.  What posts to my other bloggers have that is their most popular post?

Breakfast Tacos FTW

Good Morning faithful and fabulous readers!

I typically write my posts a day or two in advance, however, here I sit, 1 hour before my post deadline...  Writing.

This is mainly due to the fact that we had friends over last night and decided to go out to eat and then have some cocktails...

We started the evening at a local mexican restaurant, my wife and I had eaten there before and weren't very impressed but this time was much better.  From there we headed to a local "watering hole" (aka Bar) for lively conversation and even more lively spirits.  As it turns out Captain Morgan (my favorite Spirit) sent their "Morgenettes" to this place and we got a bunch of free swag.

I placed my free swag next to our new Bonsi Tree in an effort to class up the photo.  It is funny to me that last night, my hat, shot glasses, and neckless seemed awesome and this morning all I can think is : "Really, where am I going to put this crap."

It goes without saying that I am just a wee bit hung over this morning and that would normally be an awful experience, but this morning I remembered there is a taco place within walking distance that has supposedly excellent Breakfast Tacos...

So I went and got some tacos this morning and they were EXCELLENT.  That review could be colored by the rum slowly leaving my pours, but damn they were tasty.

I don't really have a good way to bring this post to a close so I am going to grab another Powerade and perhaps an Alieve and go back to bed.


powered by Blogger | WordPress by Newwpthemes | Converted by BloggerTheme