My New Hat is Legit (100th Post)

So this post is going to be a little bit goofy, I am just going to admit that now.  Recently, my wife and I attended a cousin Christmas Party.  This year instead of buying gifts for everyone we decided to do a White Elephant gift exchange (which admittedly sounds kind of racist).  If you have never been to one here is the gist of the rules.  Everyone brings one gift which must cost under a certain amount (I suggest 25 dollars, mainly because you can't buy a decent bottle of Vodka for under that).  Then you draw numbers to determine the order in which people select gifts.  The first person selects a gift.  Then the next person goes and they can either, select a gift, or steal the another person's gift.  And so on until everyone has gone.  This is fun for two reasons.  One you are not spending a ton of money on people you only see every once and while.  Two, you get to compete and steal from family.  Out of 13 people I was in position 10 which was pretty good.  I decided not to steal a gift and instead grab on that had not be selected yet.  Once I picked it up, my brother laughed and said : "You are probably going to love this."

The gift in question is one of those hats that covers your ears and is intended for really cold weather.  As stated in previous posts I live in Texas.  The need for this hat is slim but I did not care.  It was too funny a hat to be denied.  Not surprisingly no one stole my hat and instead opted to steal from other people or select a new gift.  At the end of White Elephant (still sounds racist) I felt like I was the winner.

The biggest problem is that I do not know how to share the glory of my new Legit Hat (not sure what Legit means in this context but it seems like something Snooki would say so I am going with it).  I cannot post a picture of me in the hat because I am keeping this blog anonymous.  So instead I have decided to post pictures of the hat doing things that we will be doing together.

This is a picture of my hat getting ready to take over the world.  Yes the globe is awesome, I know.  What makes it cooler is that it opens and reveals several bottles of liquor.  So metaphorically my hat is taking over the world, but actually it is just trying to get drunk.

This is my hat about to enjoy a nice bottle of Malbec, I am starting to think my new hat has a drinking problem.

After drinking all that booze, my hat has decided to go thug and pack some heat.  I tried to stop my new hat from doing something crazy but the hat is now beyond my control.

Disclaimers :

  1. My hat does not have a drinking problem.  It only posed for the pictures and did not drink any alcohol.  In fact I think my hat may be Mormon.
  2. Ok, I am not trying to offend any Mormons, just a joke, my hat is not Mormon.  Nor do I have a problem with Mormons in any way, shape, or form.  
  3. Just because I own guns does not mean I am a violent person.  My hat was trained to handle guns safely before it was allowed to be photographed with one.
  4. Ok, I take gun safety seriously, and I do not in any way, shape, or form condone hat on hat violence.  
  5. I am really not good at disclaimers.
I am sure I will receive at least one email from someone who was offended by this post, which in many ways makes this a victory.  As a side note this is my 100th post which is kind of a big deal for me.  I want to thank you for reading.  I started writing this blog for myself and along the way I guess I have struck a chord with some of you and I am so glad you continue to read (my blog and in general too I guess).


Merry Christmas Everyone

Hi Everyone,

  I am talking today off of blogging in order to wish all of you a Merry Christmas.  Okay, actually I am frantically wrapping presents and I don't have anything interesting to say other than I got an incredible hat during a white elephant gift exchange that I think will be the basis for my next blog entry, entitled : A Husband's Guide to : Seriously, this fucking hat is Legit.  I might have to wordsmith the title a little bit...

  Please remember that Christmas is a time to reflect on those people in your life whom you love.  So when your family makes you crazy, your spouse nags you just a bit too much, or some stranger cuts you off in the parking lot of Walmart, take a moment to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  Turn the other cheek, put your best foot forward, treat others the way you want to be treated, and if that fails, have a  couple drinks.


ps : A special thank you to all the firemen, doctors, police officers, nurses, hospital employees, military personal who work this and all other holidays.  You miss out on holidays with your family to keep us safe and healthy.

pps : To all of my retail people out there, thank you for your service.  I have worked many a Christmas season and it is rough.  I have much respect for you and I hope your holiday (whenever you get time off) is wonderful.

Things I Have Heard In Law and Order/Harry's Law That I Would Like To Use During Arguments

I love courtroom tv shows.  Mainly because they have snappy dialogue, I am a sucker for snappy dialogue.  In any case when I watch these shows especially in the courtroom scenes there are so many great phrases that I wish would convert easily to everyday disagreements:

  • Objection!  Badgering the witness : This would be used when the wife is nagging about something to be done, although I will say that yelling objection probably isn't the best way to go, but it sure sounds fun.
  • The statute of limitations is expired : This would come in handy when during an argument the wife brings up something from years ago that you had forgotten.  I am sorry you cannot use that example to make your point honey the statute of limitations is up on that...  I mean come on it was three years ago.
  • Objection! Here-say : Oh, this one would be fun to use.  You know when your wife is mad at you for something she is sure you thought.  Yes you read that right...  Thought.  She is so sure of what you are thinking that she begins to get you in trouble for it.  In those situations this one would be awesome!
  • Objection! Relevance : Usually used in the courtroom with the opposing counsel is asking questions that do not appear to have relevance to the current proceedings.  I feel like this is a double edged sword because usually when a lawyer says "Objection Relevance", the other lawyer is like "I am about to show relevance your honor."  And then the judge is like, "I'll allow it, but you are on a short leash counselor."  And then BAM the lawyer catches the witness in some super big lie.  So I would use this one with caution.
So there you have it, some simple courtroom terms that I would love to use in arguments with the wife.  


Things That Your Husband Loves - This One Is For The Ladies

Okay ladies, this one is for you.  I am going to give you a list of things that your Hubby absolutely loves.  If you ensure that he can enjoy the below items, you will have a happy man!

  • Good Sleeping Weather : Nothing is better than a stormy morning on a lazy Sunday.  We men love to sleep during a storm, so for heaven's sake, don't wake us up too early.  Let us enjoy snoozing to the sounds of thunder and rain.
  • Lazy napping on the couch while watching a game : Yeah we probably snore on the couch, but let us be.  We will wake up when something important happens in the game and we will be eternally grateful for the brief shut eye.
  • Sexy Come Ons : We might not admit it, but nothing makes your hubby happier than when you take the lead in romantic encounter.  Trust me, nothing is better than some sexy lingerie when it is least expected.
  • Video Game Time : Yes, we men never really grow up and sometimes we want to spend some quality time saving the world from aliens, fighting nazis, or helping Shepard save the galaxy(Mass Effect reference).
  • The Occasional Escape : We will be more than happen to accompany you to all manor of events but every once and while please let us out of it.  Would it kill you to let us out of the 4th baby shower this month?  When you let us out of something we will more than likely use our newly acquired free time to go out and buy you something nice.
  • Sexy Come Ons : Yeah I am listing that one again, because it is that important.
Okay ladies this above list may seem really simple but every now and then surprise your man because he really will appreciate it.


A Husband's Guide to : Humor-patibility

"Oh, goodie, TheHusBlog is making up words again, this is always fun..."

Listen here face-less voice of the Internet...  This is going to be good, okay, mediocre.  I need to work on my self-esteem.  

When you think about compatibility a few things always come to mind: political views, attraction, religion, morals, etc.  And sure these things are very important when it comes to a relationship, however there are a few other, lesser thought of items that also play a pivotal part in partnership(I totally wrote that sentence that way on purpose).

One of those key things is Humor.  They say that laughter is the best medicine, I don't know if that is true but I was raised Catholic so we have a saying : Comedy = Tragedy + Time.  As you can see my sense of humor can lean towards the macabre.  Growing up I faced some rough things, several family deaths hit all at once when I was only 9.  The nice thing about being young is that youth makes you bounce back quick. I faced tragedy young and even though I still have some light scars I learned to laugh even in the dark times.

Humor compatibility or "Humor-patibility" can be one of those things that helps keep your relationship on stable ground during the storms that can occur in life.  "So the TheHusBlog, you think you might have dipped your pen in the metaphor ink a little too heavily today?  And how about Huggins?  Is your name Huggins?"  First off that metaphor was solid.  Okay I just re-read it, you might have a point there.  Also where the hell did you come up with Higgins?  What do you think I am a blogger and a butler?

Gotta stop writing to myself.

Okay let's move on.  Before I go on, let me take a moment for..  You guessed it!

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Types of Humor

  • Slapstick : Think 3 Stooges here, or if you are one of my younger readers think Jackass.  Generally this is slipping on a banana peel, tripping, eye pokes.
    • There is an off shoot of slapstick humor which I will just call "Kicked in the Balls" Humor.  Really not going to elaborate seeing as the name pretty much says it all.  Thanks for this one, youtube.
  • Puns : Generally these are word play jokes usually related to double meanings of words.  I tend to like a good pun myself.  If you are really interested in puns here is a website you might like.  So Much Pun
  • Fucked Up Humor : These are the jokes that once said cause the people around you to laugh, but then say, "That's fucked up."  Like that gets you off the hook for laughing at that...  You are a bad person.
  • Awkward Humor : This humor makes me cringe.  Seriously, I don't get squeamish at horror movies but I often cover my eyes during "Meet The Parents."  This humor is characterized by people in extremely awkward and unbelievable situations.  
  • High Brow Humor : This humor is based on understanding of complex/obscure/scholarly information and often combines puns as well.  Example: "And that is why I have to enunciate correctly when talking about my Aunt O'Tate."  Yeah if you get the joke please let me know in the comments why it is funny.
There are, of course many other types of humor but you get my point.  There are so many things that keep couples together.  Shared values, work ethic, love of the arts(did I really just say that?  You can almost her the monocle in my voice), but humor can be one of those things too.  The couple that laughs together stays together.  Maybe you two don't always laugh at the same things but pay attention and when a good joke comes along that bridges the gap between you two, you will see that nothing ends a fight faster than a good laugh, and nachos.


Lyrics Stuck In My Head -- An Exorcism of Flo Rida's Low

**Fair warning, this is not a typical post for me, but I wrote it and it was funny (at least to me) so I felt like sharing.**

I have had this damn song stuck in my head for literally the last 2 days, I don't know why, but I am waiting for this song to fade into obscurity only to show up in 10 years on a commercial to sell me Blood Pressure medication...  (Think about it, that gets funnier)

In order to Exorcise this beast I am going write out the lyrics here and post some of my thoughts on Mr. Flo Rida's verse

(feat. T-Pain)

[Intro - T-Pain]
Let me talk to 'em
Let me talk to 'em
Let me talk to 'em

--Solid intro, Flo.  When meeting people for the first time I often go "Mmmmmmmmm", because it is a greeting appropriate for a causal BBQ or a business lunch.

[Chorus (T-Pain):]
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)  --Apple Bottom Jeans is a real brand
Boots with the fur (with the fur) --I wish he would name the specific brand of Boots here, because my wife has been asking me for a while for some furry boots.
The whole club was looking at her
She hit the floor (she hit the floor)  --I wish Flo Rida would have checked on her to let us know if she was okay
Next thing you know  --Solid transition, almost seamless if you ask me
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Them baggy sweat pants  --This line feels like he is answering a question without being asked.  "Which baggy sweat pants?"  Flo : "Them baggy sweat pants" (Flo points finger accusingly.) 
And the Reebok's with the straps (with the straps)  --I believe they are called laces
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack (hey)  --I really have no idea where this started but honestly, what man finds a woman spanking herself sexy?  Seriously, it is just strange behavior, well unless of course she had a mosquito on her booty, this that is a perfect reaction.
She hit the floor (she hit the floor)  --This lady Flo is watching sure seems accident prone
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I ain't never seen something that'll make me go
This crazy all night spending my doe  --Crap, Flo is spending all of his young deer, at this rate he won't have any left
Had the million dollar vibe and a body to go
Them birthday cakes they stole the show
So sexual
She was flexible professional  --I can't tell you how many times during an interview I have been asked how flexible I am.  In fact my headline on my Monster resume is IT Manger who can Touch His Toes.
Drinking X&O
Hold up, wait a minute, do I see what I think? Whoa
Did her thing seen shawty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close
Make it rain I'm making it snow  --Flo Rida has power over WEATHER, why the hell is he still rapping?
Work the pole I gotta bank roll  --I feel like we started the song at a Dance Club and now we have somehow ended up at strip club.  Damn that Flo-Rida has busy evenings.
I'm gonna say that I prefer the no clothes  --I feel like Flo needs to qualify what kind of activities he prefers with 'no clothes.'  I bet he would hate Bee Keeping with no clothes, or horse back riding, or pottery.
I'm in to that I love women exposed  --Flo here could be a real prick and talking about liking women physically exposed.  But I like to think of Flo as more talking about emotional exposure, because he really wants to get to know the ladies.
She threw it back at me I gave her mo
Cash ain't a problem I know where it go  --Well if they are smart "it go" to a 401K or even a Roth IRA(better tax protection that way)

[Chorus (T-Pain)]

Hey shawty what I gotta do to get you home  --You need to take her out on a couple nice dates. Dinners, Movies, maybe even Ice Skating, doesn't that sound nice?
My jeans filled with guap and they're ready for showing  --I have no fucking clue what guap is and I am too scared to google it.
Cadillacs laid back for the sexy grown  Yeah that sexy grown...  Wait, What?
Patron on the rocks that'll make you moan
One stack (come on), two stacks (come on), three stacks (come on)
Now that's three grand  So now we are talking about prostitution.  I don't understand, Flo is a famous rapper, why is he paying for sex?
What you think I'm playing baby girl I'm the man
I'm dealing rubber bands  --Wait is he now playing poker with the prostitute but using rubber bands for betting.  Flo, I am so confused.
That's when I threw her legs on my shoulders  --Ah, now I understand the flexible reference from earlier
I knew it was over
That heny and Cola got me like a soldier  --Patron on the rocks, then Heny and Cola, that is going to be one wicked hang over.  Just sayin'
She ready for Rover, I couldn't control her
So lucky on me I was just like clover
Shawty was hot like a toaster  --All women want to be compared to kitchen appliances
Sorry but I had to fold her
Like a pornography poster  --Who has a pornography poster?  Like a movie poster for a porn, that seems strange.
She showed her  --So now there are two women, color me confused.

[Chorus (T-Pain)]

Whoa shawty yeah she was worth the money  --Maybe not the best compliment for the young lady's self esteem, Flo
Little mama took my cash  --She's a mother too?!
And I ain't want it back
The way she bent that back  --She's probably going to have to see a chiropractor now.
Got all them paper stacks
Tattoo above her crack
I had to handle that  --How did you handle her tattoo?  By providing money to get it removed, or by disinfecting it?
I was zoned in sexy woman
Let me show it make me want it
Two in the morning I'm zoned in  --That seems really late, I hope you could sleep in the next day.
Them rosee bottles foaming  --Seriously, Flo!  Wine after Liquor, never sicker!
She wouldn't stop
Made it drop
Shawty dipped that pop and lock  --So she celebrates the intercourse with some 80's dance moves...  Most of my dates end with doing the running man, so I get it.
Had to break her off that guap
Gal was fine just like my glock  --All women love to be compared with guns, I think I read an article about it in Cosmo...

[Chorus (T-Pain)]

Now hopefully by writing out how freaking dumb the lyrics are to this song, I might have a chance of getting it out of my head.


A Husband's Guide to : Wingman - Husband Style

Think back to your single days, fellas.  Being a wingman to your friends meant that you would abide by a certain code.  You and your friends would go out to the bar and some things were just expected.  Before I go on...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wingman Duties (Ladies, if you are reading this please know that I do not approve of these duties but they are/were a fact of life for many men)

  • Validate My Story, Bro : If one of your buddies is chatting up a nice young lady and starts to embellish a story, or hell, even make one up, it is your job to not only go along with the story but to also add to it, with maximum realism.  If your buddy is talking about how he won the Olympic silver medal in the 100 meter dash in 2004, it is your job to describe the weather in Athens that day.
  • Block The Enemies, Dude : When trying to gain a phone number, or even a potential hook up with a lady your buddy is going to encounter barriers.  It could be the target's best girlfriend-"We came together we leave together", her gay friend-"Come on girl, I thought we were just going to dance tonight", or another suitor-"Girl, what do you say we get out of here".  It is your job to chat up the girlfriend, talk about musicals with the gay friend, or challenge the other suitor to a game of pool.  After all, your buddy would do the same thing for you if your situations were reversed.
  • Get Lost, Hommie : As things begin to go well for your buddy, you might have to find a way to bow out, gracefully and unassumingly so that your hommie and his new girl can have some time alone.  This sometimes comes at a great cost, maybe he was your ride, maybe you have to give up on her friend, or maybe you have to keep chatting up her friend at another location so your buddy can move forward with his girl.  In any case you have to go!
These duties are tied to a single life, and you probably thought those days were behind you when you got married.  Wrong.  It is just as important to be a wingman to your wife as it was to be one to your buddies, however the jobs are slightly different.  Let me explain with a...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wingman Duties - Husband Style
  • Tell Them That Cute Story, Hon : Couples share a history, but not just in the experiences they have had, but also in the sharing of those experiences.  When your wife asks you to share a story from your relationship it is about more than just recounting the details.  It is about knowing as you tell the story that you remember it the same way she does.  She might be sipping on a nice glass of Merlot while you tell it, but she is also listening, making sure that your telling includes all the details she wants the other party to hear.  Don't worry she will jump in if she wants to...
  • Shield Me, Babe : You and your wife probably will have to go to various work functions.  Holiday Parties, Dinners, Happy Hours, etc.  There are always going to be those people she doesn't want to talk to.  It is your job in these situations to sense her need, and get her out of the situation.  Jump in and ask her if she can help you do something away from there to get her and you away.  
  • Grab Me A Drink, Dear : Nothing is more frustrating for someone than when they are having a good time and their partner is not.  Sometimes you are going to have to let your wife be and hang with her girlfriends while you are faced with making small talk with the other guys.  Sometimes the best way for your wife to have fun is for you to not be around.  Not to say that she does not love your company but she might want to have some girl talk.  Keep your distance and make the most of your time.  Even if you aren't having a good time, act like you are, so she doesn't feel guilty for enjoying herself.  Make sure to check in with her periodically but don't do it conspicuously, wait for her drink to run low, then fetch her a new one and check in with her then.  If she is good, then return to your manly small talk.
There are so many things that you used to do for your buddies when you were single that actually translate to your wife.  Your wife should be your best friend, lover, and... Buddy.  Do for her the way you would do for your friends.  This is not only something that she will appreciate but it also calls upon those skills you have already developed.


Husband Trials : MacBook Pros, Stingray Wallets, And Other Such Nonsense

If you read Wednesday's post then you know that I am in the Christmas mood.  The advice I give in my posts is based in rules that I follow as well.  But you should also know that the advice is born from the situations in my life.

For the past 2.5 years my wife has been going to school to become a C.R.N.A.  As such we have been on a single income.  We are lucky because we have family that takes care of us and I make a decent salary.  As an early graduation present my Mother In Law bought my wife a MacBook Air.  I have been a PC guy all my life but I have been "Pea Green with Envy" as my wife puts it, with her new computer.  She promised me that we would buy me a new computer with her first pay check.

Last weekend we went to Northpark Mall in Dallas.  It is a very up-itty mall but her iPad would no longer connect to her computer so we wanted to take it in to the Genius Bar to have it looked at.  The iPad was a gift from my parents last Christmas(see what I mean about family taking care of us).  If I knew nothing else about Apple after this experience I would never buy anything else.  They took a look at the iPad, realized it was a bad connector and just replaced it.  Because the iPad was still under the first year warranty they gave us a brand spanking new one, no questions asked.  While we waited for a person to help us in the Apple Store I drooled over MacBook Pros.

When we got done with the Apple Store the wife and I went to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant we both love in the mall.  Quick shout out to McCormick and Schmitts, seriously the best damn seafood around!  During our meal we talked about Christmas shopping.

WIFE : "Look, I am going to be getting paid soon, let's just make this a Credit Card Christmas and we can pay off the bill with my first pay check.  We can get our families some nice stuff."

ME : "Okay"

WIFE : "I thought you would fight me more on that?"

ME : "I think it would be nice to get people some good stuff.  We can do the shopping now, get it out of the way and be done with it.  Sounds like a win-win to me.  Besides we get points on my credit card."

WIFE : "Okay, and if you really want to we can buy you a MacBook Pro"

There was a dust cloud in the shape of me in the booth after my wife said this because I was already half way to the Apple Store.  I kid, I kid.

We spent the rest of the day shopping.  Buying for everyone on our list.  One person, my brother, was interesting to shop for.  My brother is much younger than I.  Ten years younger and he just graduated from College.  He wanted a wallet for Christmas.  My wife and I wanted to get him an awesome wallet.  We stopped in several stores looking for just the right wallet.  Well in one store we found the perfect wallet.  It was, I shit you not, made of Stingray.  It was amazing.  It was the kind of wallet that said : "You better take me seriously motherfuckers!"  That wallet was also $540 dollars so we didn't buy that...  We instead found a great Coach wallet for him.

The day went on and we went from store to store, checking people off our list.  Each time racking up more and more credit card debt.  Our last stop was the Apple Store.

Let me set the scene.

It was packed, people everywhere.  I walked (more a saunter) to the MacBook Pro Table.  A young woman came up to us.

YOUNG WOMAN : "Can I help you with anything?"

ME : "Yeah, I want to buy a MacBook Pro, 15 inch, please"

I have never felt more Baller in my life.  I walked into a store and I requested to purchase a 1700 dollar product like it was no big deal.  I was carrying bags of presents for my family, my wife was looking super hot, and I was getting a new computer...  Sure I was buying everything that day on credit, sure we have a ton of new debt (which my wife's new paycheck will cure), but in that moment I felt like a BOSS.


*This Post Was Written On A Mac*

ps : If you are thinking I am a hypocrite for buying a 1700 dollar computer for myself and not spending 540 on wallet well then you don't understand my logic.  It's a fucking wallet, I will never be able to justify several hundred dollars on something to hold money!

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