My New Hat is Legit (100th Post)

So this post is going to be a little bit goofy, I am just going to admit that now.  Recently, my wife and I attended a cousin Christmas Party.  This year instead of buying gifts for everyone we decided to do a White Elephant gift exchange (which admittedly sounds kind of racist).  If you have never been to one here is the gist of the rules.  Everyone brings one gift which must cost under a certain amount (I suggest 25 dollars, mainly because you can't buy a decent bottle of Vodka for under that).  Then you draw numbers to determine the order in which people select gifts.  The first person selects a gift.  Then the next person goes and they can either, select a gift, or steal the another person's gift.  And so on until everyone has gone.  This is fun for two reasons.  One you are not spending a ton of money on people you only see every once and while.  Two, you get to compete and steal from family.  Out of 13 people I was in position 10 which was pretty good.  I decided not to steal a gift and instead grab on that had not be selected yet.  Once I picked it up, my brother laughed and said : "You are probably going to love this."

The gift in question is one of those hats that covers your ears and is intended for really cold weather.  As stated in previous posts I live in Texas.  The need for this hat is slim but I did not care.  It was too funny a hat to be denied.  Not surprisingly no one stole my hat and instead opted to steal from other people or select a new gift.  At the end of White Elephant (still sounds racist) I felt like I was the winner.

The biggest problem is that I do not know how to share the glory of my new Legit Hat (not sure what Legit means in this context but it seems like something Snooki would say so I am going with it).  I cannot post a picture of me in the hat because I am keeping this blog anonymous.  So instead I have decided to post pictures of the hat doing things that we will be doing together.

This is a picture of my hat getting ready to take over the world.  Yes the globe is awesome, I know.  What makes it cooler is that it opens and reveals several bottles of liquor.  So metaphorically my hat is taking over the world, but actually it is just trying to get drunk.

This is my hat about to enjoy a nice bottle of Malbec, I am starting to think my new hat has a drinking problem.

After drinking all that booze, my hat has decided to go thug and pack some heat.  I tried to stop my new hat from doing something crazy but the hat is now beyond my control.

Disclaimers :

  1. My hat does not have a drinking problem.  It only posed for the pictures and did not drink any alcohol.  In fact I think my hat may be Mormon.
  2. Ok, I am not trying to offend any Mormons, just a joke, my hat is not Mormon.  Nor do I have a problem with Mormons in any way, shape, or form.  
  3. Just because I own guns does not mean I am a violent person.  My hat was trained to handle guns safely before it was allowed to be photographed with one.
  4. Ok, I take gun safety seriously, and I do not in any way, shape, or form condone hat on hat violence.  
  5. I am really not good at disclaimers.
I am sure I will receive at least one email from someone who was offended by this post, which in many ways makes this a victory.  As a side note this is my 100th post which is kind of a big deal for me.  I want to thank you for reading.  I started writing this blog for myself and along the way I guess I have struck a chord with some of you and I am so glad you continue to read (my blog and in general too I guess).


Merry Christmas Everyone

Hi Everyone,

  I am talking today off of blogging in order to wish all of you a Merry Christmas.  Okay, actually I am frantically wrapping presents and I don't have anything interesting to say other than I got an incredible hat during a white elephant gift exchange that I think will be the basis for my next blog entry, entitled : A Husband's Guide to : Seriously, this fucking hat is Legit.  I might have to wordsmith the title a little bit...

  Please remember that Christmas is a time to reflect on those people in your life whom you love.  So when your family makes you crazy, your spouse nags you just a bit too much, or some stranger cuts you off in the parking lot of Walmart, take a moment to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  Turn the other cheek, put your best foot forward, treat others the way you want to be treated, and if that fails, have a  couple drinks.


ps : A special thank you to all the firemen, doctors, police officers, nurses, hospital employees, military personal who work this and all other holidays.  You miss out on holidays with your family to keep us safe and healthy.

pps : To all of my retail people out there, thank you for your service.  I have worked many a Christmas season and it is rough.  I have much respect for you and I hope your holiday (whenever you get time off) is wonderful.

Things I Have Heard In Law and Order/Harry's Law That I Would Like To Use During Arguments

I love courtroom tv shows.  Mainly because they have snappy dialogue, I am a sucker for snappy dialogue.  In any case when I watch these shows especially in the courtroom scenes there are so many great phrases that I wish would convert easily to everyday disagreements:

  • Objection!  Badgering the witness : This would be used when the wife is nagging about something to be done, although I will say that yelling objection probably isn't the best way to go, but it sure sounds fun.
  • The statute of limitations is expired : This would come in handy when during an argument the wife brings up something from years ago that you had forgotten.  I am sorry you cannot use that example to make your point honey the statute of limitations is up on that...  I mean come on it was three years ago.
  • Objection! Here-say : Oh, this one would be fun to use.  You know when your wife is mad at you for something she is sure you thought.  Yes you read that right...  Thought.  She is so sure of what you are thinking that she begins to get you in trouble for it.  In those situations this one would be awesome!
  • Objection! Relevance : Usually used in the courtroom with the opposing counsel is asking questions that do not appear to have relevance to the current proceedings.  I feel like this is a double edged sword because usually when a lawyer says "Objection Relevance", the other lawyer is like "I am about to show relevance your honor."  And then the judge is like, "I'll allow it, but you are on a short leash counselor."  And then BAM the lawyer catches the witness in some super big lie.  So I would use this one with caution.
So there you have it, some simple courtroom terms that I would love to use in arguments with the wife.  


Things That Your Husband Loves - This One Is For The Ladies

Okay ladies, this one is for you.  I am going to give you a list of things that your Hubby absolutely loves.  If you ensure that he can enjoy the below items, you will have a happy man!

  • Good Sleeping Weather : Nothing is better than a stormy morning on a lazy Sunday.  We men love to sleep during a storm, so for heaven's sake, don't wake us up too early.  Let us enjoy snoozing to the sounds of thunder and rain.
  • Lazy napping on the couch while watching a game : Yeah we probably snore on the couch, but let us be.  We will wake up when something important happens in the game and we will be eternally grateful for the brief shut eye.
  • Sexy Come Ons : We might not admit it, but nothing makes your hubby happier than when you take the lead in romantic encounter.  Trust me, nothing is better than some sexy lingerie when it is least expected.
  • Video Game Time : Yes, we men never really grow up and sometimes we want to spend some quality time saving the world from aliens, fighting nazis, or helping Shepard save the galaxy(Mass Effect reference).
  • The Occasional Escape : We will be more than happen to accompany you to all manor of events but every once and while please let us out of it.  Would it kill you to let us out of the 4th baby shower this month?  When you let us out of something we will more than likely use our newly acquired free time to go out and buy you something nice.
  • Sexy Come Ons : Yeah I am listing that one again, because it is that important.
Okay ladies this above list may seem really simple but every now and then surprise your man because he really will appreciate it.


A Husband's Guide to : Humor-patibility

"Oh, goodie, TheHusBlog is making up words again, this is always fun..."

Listen here face-less voice of the Internet...  This is going to be good, okay, mediocre.  I need to work on my self-esteem.  

When you think about compatibility a few things always come to mind: political views, attraction, religion, morals, etc.  And sure these things are very important when it comes to a relationship, however there are a few other, lesser thought of items that also play a pivotal part in partnership(I totally wrote that sentence that way on purpose).

One of those key things is Humor.  They say that laughter is the best medicine, I don't know if that is true but I was raised Catholic so we have a saying : Comedy = Tragedy + Time.  As you can see my sense of humor can lean towards the macabre.  Growing up I faced some rough things, several family deaths hit all at once when I was only 9.  The nice thing about being young is that youth makes you bounce back quick. I faced tragedy young and even though I still have some light scars I learned to laugh even in the dark times.

Humor compatibility or "Humor-patibility" can be one of those things that helps keep your relationship on stable ground during the storms that can occur in life.  "So the TheHusBlog, you think you might have dipped your pen in the metaphor ink a little too heavily today?  And how about Huggins?  Is your name Huggins?"  First off that metaphor was solid.  Okay I just re-read it, you might have a point there.  Also where the hell did you come up with Higgins?  What do you think I am a blogger and a butler?

Gotta stop writing to myself.

Okay let's move on.  Before I go on, let me take a moment for..  You guessed it!

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Types of Humor

  • Slapstick : Think 3 Stooges here, or if you are one of my younger readers think Jackass.  Generally this is slipping on a banana peel, tripping, eye pokes.
    • There is an off shoot of slapstick humor which I will just call "Kicked in the Balls" Humor.  Really not going to elaborate seeing as the name pretty much says it all.  Thanks for this one, youtube.
  • Puns : Generally these are word play jokes usually related to double meanings of words.  I tend to like a good pun myself.  If you are really interested in puns here is a website you might like.  So Much Pun
  • Fucked Up Humor : These are the jokes that once said cause the people around you to laugh, but then say, "That's fucked up."  Like that gets you off the hook for laughing at that...  You are a bad person.
  • Awkward Humor : This humor makes me cringe.  Seriously, I don't get squeamish at horror movies but I often cover my eyes during "Meet The Parents."  This humor is characterized by people in extremely awkward and unbelievable situations.  
  • High Brow Humor : This humor is based on understanding of complex/obscure/scholarly information and often combines puns as well.  Example: "And that is why I have to enunciate correctly when talking about my Aunt O'Tate."  Yeah if you get the joke please let me know in the comments why it is funny.
There are, of course many other types of humor but you get my point.  There are so many things that keep couples together.  Shared values, work ethic, love of the arts(did I really just say that?  You can almost her the monocle in my voice), but humor can be one of those things too.  The couple that laughs together stays together.  Maybe you two don't always laugh at the same things but pay attention and when a good joke comes along that bridges the gap between you two, you will see that nothing ends a fight faster than a good laugh, and nachos.


Lyrics Stuck In My Head -- An Exorcism of Flo Rida's Low

**Fair warning, this is not a typical post for me, but I wrote it and it was funny (at least to me) so I felt like sharing.**

I have had this damn song stuck in my head for literally the last 2 days, I don't know why, but I am waiting for this song to fade into obscurity only to show up in 10 years on a commercial to sell me Blood Pressure medication...  (Think about it, that gets funnier)

In order to Exorcise this beast I am going write out the lyrics here and post some of my thoughts on Mr. Flo Rida's verse

(feat. T-Pain)

[Intro - T-Pain]
Let me talk to 'em
Let me talk to 'em
Let me talk to 'em

--Solid intro, Flo.  When meeting people for the first time I often go "Mmmmmmmmm", because it is a greeting appropriate for a causal BBQ or a business lunch.

[Chorus (T-Pain):]
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)  --Apple Bottom Jeans is a real brand
Boots with the fur (with the fur) --I wish he would name the specific brand of Boots here, because my wife has been asking me for a while for some furry boots.
The whole club was looking at her
She hit the floor (she hit the floor)  --I wish Flo Rida would have checked on her to let us know if she was okay
Next thing you know  --Solid transition, almost seamless if you ask me
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Them baggy sweat pants  --This line feels like he is answering a question without being asked.  "Which baggy sweat pants?"  Flo : "Them baggy sweat pants" (Flo points finger accusingly.) 
And the Reebok's with the straps (with the straps)  --I believe they are called laces
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack (hey)  --I really have no idea where this started but honestly, what man finds a woman spanking herself sexy?  Seriously, it is just strange behavior, well unless of course she had a mosquito on her booty, this that is a perfect reaction.
She hit the floor (she hit the floor)  --This lady Flo is watching sure seems accident prone
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I ain't never seen something that'll make me go
This crazy all night spending my doe  --Crap, Flo is spending all of his young deer, at this rate he won't have any left
Had the million dollar vibe and a body to go
Them birthday cakes they stole the show
So sexual
She was flexible professional  --I can't tell you how many times during an interview I have been asked how flexible I am.  In fact my headline on my Monster resume is IT Manger who can Touch His Toes.
Drinking X&O
Hold up, wait a minute, do I see what I think? Whoa
Did her thing seen shawty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close
Make it rain I'm making it snow  --Flo Rida has power over WEATHER, why the hell is he still rapping?
Work the pole I gotta bank roll  --I feel like we started the song at a Dance Club and now we have somehow ended up at strip club.  Damn that Flo-Rida has busy evenings.
I'm gonna say that I prefer the no clothes  --I feel like Flo needs to qualify what kind of activities he prefers with 'no clothes.'  I bet he would hate Bee Keeping with no clothes, or horse back riding, or pottery.
I'm in to that I love women exposed  --Flo here could be a real prick and talking about liking women physically exposed.  But I like to think of Flo as more talking about emotional exposure, because he really wants to get to know the ladies.
She threw it back at me I gave her mo
Cash ain't a problem I know where it go  --Well if they are smart "it go" to a 401K or even a Roth IRA(better tax protection that way)

[Chorus (T-Pain)]

Hey shawty what I gotta do to get you home  --You need to take her out on a couple nice dates. Dinners, Movies, maybe even Ice Skating, doesn't that sound nice?
My jeans filled with guap and they're ready for showing  --I have no fucking clue what guap is and I am too scared to google it.
Cadillacs laid back for the sexy grown  Yeah that sexy grown...  Wait, What?
Patron on the rocks that'll make you moan
One stack (come on), two stacks (come on), three stacks (come on)
Now that's three grand  So now we are talking about prostitution.  I don't understand, Flo is a famous rapper, why is he paying for sex?
What you think I'm playing baby girl I'm the man
I'm dealing rubber bands  --Wait is he now playing poker with the prostitute but using rubber bands for betting.  Flo, I am so confused.
That's when I threw her legs on my shoulders  --Ah, now I understand the flexible reference from earlier
I knew it was over
That heny and Cola got me like a soldier  --Patron on the rocks, then Heny and Cola, that is going to be one wicked hang over.  Just sayin'
She ready for Rover, I couldn't control her
So lucky on me I was just like clover
Shawty was hot like a toaster  --All women want to be compared to kitchen appliances
Sorry but I had to fold her
Like a pornography poster  --Who has a pornography poster?  Like a movie poster for a porn, that seems strange.
She showed her  --So now there are two women, color me confused.

[Chorus (T-Pain)]

Whoa shawty yeah she was worth the money  --Maybe not the best compliment for the young lady's self esteem, Flo
Little mama took my cash  --She's a mother too?!
And I ain't want it back
The way she bent that back  --She's probably going to have to see a chiropractor now.
Got all them paper stacks
Tattoo above her crack
I had to handle that  --How did you handle her tattoo?  By providing money to get it removed, or by disinfecting it?
I was zoned in sexy woman
Let me show it make me want it
Two in the morning I'm zoned in  --That seems really late, I hope you could sleep in the next day.
Them rosee bottles foaming  --Seriously, Flo!  Wine after Liquor, never sicker!
She wouldn't stop
Made it drop
Shawty dipped that pop and lock  --So she celebrates the intercourse with some 80's dance moves...  Most of my dates end with doing the running man, so I get it.
Had to break her off that guap
Gal was fine just like my glock  --All women love to be compared with guns, I think I read an article about it in Cosmo...

[Chorus (T-Pain)]

Now hopefully by writing out how freaking dumb the lyrics are to this song, I might have a chance of getting it out of my head.


A Husband's Guide to : Wingman - Husband Style

Think back to your single days, fellas.  Being a wingman to your friends meant that you would abide by a certain code.  You and your friends would go out to the bar and some things were just expected.  Before I go on...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wingman Duties (Ladies, if you are reading this please know that I do not approve of these duties but they are/were a fact of life for many men)

  • Validate My Story, Bro : If one of your buddies is chatting up a nice young lady and starts to embellish a story, or hell, even make one up, it is your job to not only go along with the story but to also add to it, with maximum realism.  If your buddy is talking about how he won the Olympic silver medal in the 100 meter dash in 2004, it is your job to describe the weather in Athens that day.
  • Block The Enemies, Dude : When trying to gain a phone number, or even a potential hook up with a lady your buddy is going to encounter barriers.  It could be the target's best girlfriend-"We came together we leave together", her gay friend-"Come on girl, I thought we were just going to dance tonight", or another suitor-"Girl, what do you say we get out of here".  It is your job to chat up the girlfriend, talk about musicals with the gay friend, or challenge the other suitor to a game of pool.  After all, your buddy would do the same thing for you if your situations were reversed.
  • Get Lost, Hommie : As things begin to go well for your buddy, you might have to find a way to bow out, gracefully and unassumingly so that your hommie and his new girl can have some time alone.  This sometimes comes at a great cost, maybe he was your ride, maybe you have to give up on her friend, or maybe you have to keep chatting up her friend at another location so your buddy can move forward with his girl.  In any case you have to go!
These duties are tied to a single life, and you probably thought those days were behind you when you got married.  Wrong.  It is just as important to be a wingman to your wife as it was to be one to your buddies, however the jobs are slightly different.  Let me explain with a...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wingman Duties - Husband Style
  • Tell Them That Cute Story, Hon : Couples share a history, but not just in the experiences they have had, but also in the sharing of those experiences.  When your wife asks you to share a story from your relationship it is about more than just recounting the details.  It is about knowing as you tell the story that you remember it the same way she does.  She might be sipping on a nice glass of Merlot while you tell it, but she is also listening, making sure that your telling includes all the details she wants the other party to hear.  Don't worry she will jump in if she wants to...
  • Shield Me, Babe : You and your wife probably will have to go to various work functions.  Holiday Parties, Dinners, Happy Hours, etc.  There are always going to be those people she doesn't want to talk to.  It is your job in these situations to sense her need, and get her out of the situation.  Jump in and ask her if she can help you do something away from there to get her and you away.  
  • Grab Me A Drink, Dear : Nothing is more frustrating for someone than when they are having a good time and their partner is not.  Sometimes you are going to have to let your wife be and hang with her girlfriends while you are faced with making small talk with the other guys.  Sometimes the best way for your wife to have fun is for you to not be around.  Not to say that she does not love your company but she might want to have some girl talk.  Keep your distance and make the most of your time.  Even if you aren't having a good time, act like you are, so she doesn't feel guilty for enjoying herself.  Make sure to check in with her periodically but don't do it conspicuously, wait for her drink to run low, then fetch her a new one and check in with her then.  If she is good, then return to your manly small talk.
There are so many things that you used to do for your buddies when you were single that actually translate to your wife.  Your wife should be your best friend, lover, and... Buddy.  Do for her the way you would do for your friends.  This is not only something that she will appreciate but it also calls upon those skills you have already developed.


Husband Trials : MacBook Pros, Stingray Wallets, And Other Such Nonsense

If you read Wednesday's post then you know that I am in the Christmas mood.  The advice I give in my posts is based in rules that I follow as well.  But you should also know that the advice is born from the situations in my life.

For the past 2.5 years my wife has been going to school to become a C.R.N.A.  As such we have been on a single income.  We are lucky because we have family that takes care of us and I make a decent salary.  As an early graduation present my Mother In Law bought my wife a MacBook Air.  I have been a PC guy all my life but I have been "Pea Green with Envy" as my wife puts it, with her new computer.  She promised me that we would buy me a new computer with her first pay check.

Last weekend we went to Northpark Mall in Dallas.  It is a very up-itty mall but her iPad would no longer connect to her computer so we wanted to take it in to the Genius Bar to have it looked at.  The iPad was a gift from my parents last Christmas(see what I mean about family taking care of us).  If I knew nothing else about Apple after this experience I would never buy anything else.  They took a look at the iPad, realized it was a bad connector and just replaced it.  Because the iPad was still under the first year warranty they gave us a brand spanking new one, no questions asked.  While we waited for a person to help us in the Apple Store I drooled over MacBook Pros.

When we got done with the Apple Store the wife and I went to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant we both love in the mall.  Quick shout out to McCormick and Schmitts, seriously the best damn seafood around!  During our meal we talked about Christmas shopping.

WIFE : "Look, I am going to be getting paid soon, let's just make this a Credit Card Christmas and we can pay off the bill with my first pay check.  We can get our families some nice stuff."

ME : "Okay"

WIFE : "I thought you would fight me more on that?"

ME : "I think it would be nice to get people some good stuff.  We can do the shopping now, get it out of the way and be done with it.  Sounds like a win-win to me.  Besides we get points on my credit card."

WIFE : "Okay, and if you really want to we can buy you a MacBook Pro"

There was a dust cloud in the shape of me in the booth after my wife said this because I was already half way to the Apple Store.  I kid, I kid.

We spent the rest of the day shopping.  Buying for everyone on our list.  One person, my brother, was interesting to shop for.  My brother is much younger than I.  Ten years younger and he just graduated from College.  He wanted a wallet for Christmas.  My wife and I wanted to get him an awesome wallet.  We stopped in several stores looking for just the right wallet.  Well in one store we found the perfect wallet.  It was, I shit you not, made of Stingray.  It was amazing.  It was the kind of wallet that said : "You better take me seriously motherfuckers!"  That wallet was also $540 dollars so we didn't buy that...  We instead found a great Coach wallet for him.

The day went on and we went from store to store, checking people off our list.  Each time racking up more and more credit card debt.  Our last stop was the Apple Store.

Let me set the scene.

It was packed, people everywhere.  I walked (more a saunter) to the MacBook Pro Table.  A young woman came up to us.

YOUNG WOMAN : "Can I help you with anything?"

ME : "Yeah, I want to buy a MacBook Pro, 15 inch, please"

I have never felt more Baller in my life.  I walked into a store and I requested to purchase a 1700 dollar product like it was no big deal.  I was carrying bags of presents for my family, my wife was looking super hot, and I was getting a new computer...  Sure I was buying everything that day on credit, sure we have a ton of new debt (which my wife's new paycheck will cure), but in that moment I felt like a BOSS.


*This Post Was Written On A Mac*

ps : If you are thinking I am a hypocrite for buying a 1700 dollar computer for myself and not spending 540 on wallet well then you don't understand my logic.  It's a fucking wallet, I will never be able to justify several hundred dollars on something to hold money!

A Husband's Guide to : Christmas Shopping

Alright, I am going to be honest here:  Christmas shopping sucks.  It really does.  There are crowds, you spend a lot of money really fast, and it is stressful.  Generally speaking, I love spending time with my family and my wife does too.  Christmas and family are Great, shopping for it, is not.

If you really want to be successful you have to make sure you have the three key conversations with your wife about Christmas shopping.  These conversations can occur all together or, if like me, you cannot handle that much in one sitting, they can also occur at separate times.

Start out with a broad statement that others can connect to...  CHECK
Hone in on the overall point of the post...  CHECK
Create anticipation of the Definition Pause...  ????
--This bit of internal monologue brought to you by TheHusBlog--

Let's just get to it...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Key Three Conversations You Must Have About Christmas Shopping or T.K.T.C.Y.M.H.A.C.S for short

  • The "Who" (or whom, never sure on that grammar rule) should you buy for conversation.  This conversation is about creating the list of people you intend to buy presents for.  If you want to save yourself some time start with the people you are going to actually see on Christmas day and build from there.  Sure that may seem like a no-brainer for most of you but honestly some people need all the help they can get.
  • The "How Much" should you spend conversation.  As with anything remember to break your problem down into easy to manage chunks.  There are two schools of thought on Christmas budgeting.  
    • Set a total spend.  This method starts at the top and works its(it's?  I really should have paid more attention in my Language Arts classes) way down.  Decide how much money in total you want to spend and then break that out to a per person amount.
    • Set a spend per person.  This method starts at the bottom and works its(it's?  I never should have become a blogger, my grammar is horrible and so is my spelling for that matter, I must be the only person in the world who's F7 key is worn from use[that is the quick key for spellcheck]) way up.  You decide how much to spend on all the people on your list and then total that.  Adjustments are made on a per person basis.
  • The "What" you should buy for each person conversation.  This is usually the longest conversation and will lead to the most fights.  Simply saying "I don't know" is not an answer.  What makes Christmas shopping stressful is not knowing what to buy.  It can be challenge to find a great gift within budget and leaving that up to one person in the relationship is not fair.  Take some time to really think about the people on your list and what they would want.  Share this information with your spouse so that you both on the same page.
I know what you are thinking...  "Okay great, now I know about the conversations to have, but what do I do during the shopping to make it easier?"  Well either that or...  "Is your name Brad?  You sound like you could be a Brad."  To that I say, I have another TheHusBlog Definition Pause for you!  And all the people cheered...  Maybe?

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Little Tips/Tricks to Make Christmas Shopping Better or L.T.T.M.C.S.B for short.  You know what, I totally suck at acronyms.
  • Make a Day of It : Shopping is a painful process so rather than running a bunch of little errands, focus on doing as much as you can on one day.  This way you can have one day of your weekend dedicated to shopping, but still have another day to focus on all the stuff you didn't get done because all the damn shopping!
  • Break for Lunch : Plan your day so that you can take a break and go to a restaurant that you both enjoy for lunch.  It not only gives you a chance to refuel, but also gives you a chance to talk about all the strange and rude people you saw at the mall.
  • Buy something for yourself and her : I know, I know, Christmas is the time for giving.  But you should also give to yourselves.  Doesn't have to be anything big, but take a moment and if you see your wife eyeing something at the store buy it for her.  If you see something you would like buy it.  Remember to keep it within reason but don't be afraid to reward you and your spouse for surviving a Mall in December without divorcing.
  • Ignore everything I said above and just buy it online : Do I really have to explain this one?  Really?
Christmas shopping should be about finding that perfect gift for the people you care about.  But in reality it is this horrid process of trying to find good deals, spending a ton of money, and fighting crowds.  Has Christmas become completely commercialized?  Yes!  But that doesn't mean you can't survive and thrive the Holiday Madness.


Husband Trials : My Apple Battle

I am the "Technology Soothsayer."  After all my job is in computers.  Networking a printer: Check.  Setting up Wi-Fi: Check.  Backing up a computer: Check.  Removing DRM (Digital Rights Management, which basically means that even though you bought a song, your computer cannot burn it more than a certain number of times, which "Daddy" does not like.  And yes I do refer to myself as "Daddy" from time to time) from a song I downloaded from iTunes: Double Check.  And the list goes on...

PC type computers typically operate a certain way.  They have a normal playbook of moves that are easy for me to decrepit.  With the entry into the Market of iPhones, iPads, and iPods I have had to adapt and try to learn the mysteries of iTunes...

So a couple of years ago my wife and I both got iPhones.  I got mine first (iPhone 3) and she got hers several months later (iPhone 3G).  At the time she had a total piece of junk computer (IBM Think Pad), and I had a very much newer Gateway laptop.  Well she sync'ed her iPhone to her computer to download some songs and what have you, but a couple months after that she asked me to put some video lectures on her phone.  So I got the lectures on my computer and hooked up her iPhone.  I wasn't paying attention and it some how deleted everything on her phone when trying to sync it with my computer.  WTF!  You see Apple products work under the theory of everything must line up in order for us to work.  Example : If you don't have the same stuff on your computer as it is expecting, then it thinks your computer is taking over and it will delete everything from the old computer, very scorched earth if you ask me but oh well...

My wife never forgot about all the Ween songs she lost that day.  In any case now over a year later she got a new MacBook Air.  She naturally wanted to get her iPhone sync'ed so we sat in the kitchen with her iPhone, MacBook Air, and some breakfast.  I explained to her what I thought would happen (everything being deleted) and she said she was fine as long as her contacts stayed on the iPhone.  When we plugged in the Iphone a warning message popped up.  "Everything will be wiped from your phone, excepts for Contacts, History, Calendars if you continue."  Alright contacts will stay, totally cool with me.

First the computer backed up her iPhone, then the update was downloaded, this whole process took for-damn-ever!  Then, even though the iPhone was backed up, nothing got downloaded to the iPhone, and guess what?  The F@#ING contacts were deleted.  This sent my wife into a very bad spiral.

"What the F*&$?" she said

"I am so sorry babe, the warning said it would keep contacts." I said.

"The one thing I wanted to keep is now gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she said, she was angry and I could not tell if it was with me, or technology, or both.

She started scrolling through he phone and all her text messages and call history remained, but instead of the contact name it just had the phone number.

"What do we do?" she said.

"Well," cleared my throat.  "If you remember your contacts, I will write them down and I will manually enter them."  What the HELL was I thinking?!?

I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and listened while she went through her text messages, yelling out numbers and names as I scribbled them down as fast as possible.

How many could that be, you are asking, well that or so instead of TheHusBlog I can call you Daddy?  That seems a little strange...

To that I answer it can be a lot, I wrote down over 60 contacts...  And don't call me Daddy.

I entered all those contacts back into her iPhone because I am a good husband.  With that under my belt I thought I was done...  But I wasn't.

Last Christmas I got a new Ipad, which I loved.  I sync'ed it my computer.  I bet you can totally tell where this is going...  After a couple of months my wife realized that she could use the iPad while in her residency.  I used the iPad for fun and games but she could use if for school so I told her it was hers and just let go of that dream...  (I know, I am an awesome Husband).  Well she tried to sync the iPad to her new computer and it won't work.  After much internet searching/research we have both come to the conclusion that it is a faulty connection port on the iPad.

So now, tomorrow(actually today) we are both heading to an Apple Store to see if we can get this connection issue resolved, but in the end I know that everything is going to wiped and I will be to blame.  There is only one thing to do.  I am just going to buy a Mac and figure it out so that someday in the future I can avoid issues like these.


A Husband's Guide to : Surviving Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving can be a magical time for men, especially those that live in Dallas who can enjoy not only a HUGE meal (most Americans eat an average of 4,500 calories(look, you learned something)), but Cowboy Football as well.  However you would be a fool to think that you will escape unscathed. There are a multitude of chores that need to be done so you have to manage time appropriately and make sure that those around you are not close to a blow up.

Large family gatherings make the stress worse because if you get into a fight with your significant other you will try to hold it in until you are alone, which means you and your wife will be asking to pass the gravy with clenched teeth thinking that no one is noticing...  Newsflash, everyone notices.  Or if you were raised Catholic like myself things are much more passive aggressive, like the gravy will be passed to everyone but you.  Although in defense of the Catholic upbringing, people usually just end up getting drunk and forgetting about it later any way...

But I digress.  Let's get to the core issues here :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Thanksgiving Tips and Tricks

  • If you are hosting Thanksgiving
    • Before the day : Make sure all the little chores you wife has been bugging you politely reminding you about get done.  Grease those hings, fix that light switch, hang the lights, or at the very least hire some contractor to come in a do it for you.
    • On the day : Get up early and just start cleaning.  Don't really care what you do, vacuum, dust, mop, take out trash.  The key here is to be proactive, if you look like you are doing something to help then your wife will view you as an ally.  Besides if you are doing something wrong she will tell you.
    • After the meal : As the meal winds down start picking up dishes and putting them in the sink/dishwasher.  This is a defensive move.  As long as it looks like things are progressing then harmony will exist.
  • If you are a guest of Thanksgiving
    • Before the day : Make sure you know what you are bringing and ask if you can help prepare anything.  If you suck at cooking odds are your best chance at helping will be to take out the trash repeatedly during the cooking process.  I don't know why but Thanksgiving side dishes create more mess in their creation then any other food item.
    • On the day : Get ready, dress appropriately, and make sure to bring the side item when you leave.  When you arrive the best action is to see what the other men are doing and do that.  If someone is trying to get around you and says excuse me to you more than twice then find a new place to be!  Staying out of the way is your only job now.
    • After the meal : Remember to thank the host and say the food was amazing and don't forget to throw out a compliment to whatever your wife brought as well.  Here is an example : "The food was amazing [Host name here], thank you so much, and honey, your [insert dish name here] was great."  Here is a bad example, "Thank you [Host name here], this is way better than the swill I get at home." 
Let's make this the least painful Thanksgiving ever!  Just kidding.  Being around family and friends enjoying a good meal, and being truly thankful is what Thanksgiving is all about.  Well that and giving indigenous people blankets infected with smallpox, but let's just focus on the first part. Do what you can to help out but get out of the way when you need to.  The same goes for life.


Husband Trials : Routine vs. Rut?

So the wife is nearing the end of her CRNA program.  Which means her residency schedule is getting very stable, her skill level is solid, and her studying has reached a manageable level.  After over 2 years of craziness things are settling down.

One of the side effects of her crazy schedule during school was we took advantage of what time we did have.  If she was off we capitalized on it and did something.  Now, with a normal schedule we are falling into either a routine or a rut.

Routine can be a nice word.  It has this feeling of productive calm.  Things are getting done all at the appropriate time.  A routine is like a stable friend you can depend on.

Rut feels like a bad word.  It has a feeling of restless boredom.  Things are getting done but the drum beat of the daily grind is enough to drive you mad.

The difference between the two is all in how you perceive them.  Sometimes even a comfortable routine can start to feel like noose around your freedom, sucking all the air out of your lungs.  And that is where I think I am starting to go.  At first it was great having the wife and I share the same routine, but now I want a little randomness thrown in the mix.

I have yet to decide how I am going change up the routine but just thinking about it makes me happy.  I think we all need to shake things up every now and then just to keep it interesting.  However this is something that I, and probably millions of other men are going to have to do over the next couple of weeks...

Take our wives to Twilight Breaking Dawn...  uuuuggggggggg!


A Husband's Guide to : Checking the Mail?

Okay, seriously, I am alone in the fact that my wife has an unbelievable need to check the mail.  I pay all my bills online, I think the last card I received in the mail was on my 16th birthday, and I really don't care for catalogs...  To me, if I check the mail once every couple of days I think I am doing well (notice I used proper grammar there and did not say 'good', yeah I am impressed with myself too).

My wife needs the mail checked everyday, in fact when the mail person is late, she even gets upset.  What makes her even more upset than the mail not being checked is when I do not go through the mail, pull out what I need to and deal with it.

So it goes without saying that my wife checks the mail.  She brings it in everyday, and stacks it in a big pile.  What I have come to realize is that this pile is my test...  If I rifle through it and pull out things I need to open and deal with I get a normal, happy wife.  If I let it sit for a couple of days then I fail the test will get a lecture on how I do not handle things.

So what is the "mail" in your relationship.  That one thing you do not care about, that your spouse REALLY cares about?  I do not care about the mail, however I care about my wife and if she needs me to check the mail then I will do it.  Not because I really care about the mail, but because I really care about her.


ps : I know I did not do a TheHusBlog Definition Pause in this one, sorry sometimes the topic does not warrant a list.

Husband Trials : Fear and Loathing of Bendy Me

It might surprise you to know that I work out.  I do not enjoy working out but I am trying to be healthy.  As I have gotten older, oh wait I prefer more mature I have found that my body does not do what I want it to do.  As such I have decided to try some yoga.

My wife loves Yoga and it has helped her feel great for over 2 years now.  So I am going to jump on that bandwagon and see where it leads...

So tomorrow at 10.00am if you are feeling like it, say a little prayer, or send positive vibes, to a large man in a hot room trying to bend in ways his body doesn't want to bend.



So first of all I not only survived Yoga, but I enjoyed it.  First of all when I got in and started setting up a fellow "big man" came in and started setting up as well.  He had laser beam focus on me, I think, because in a class full of women there was another man.  Another man who shared his size.

"Hey, first time?" he said.

"Yeah, hoping to loosen up my back a bit." I responded back in a manly tone.

"Hey man, this class is great, don't get frustrated, it takes time." he said.  But what I believe he meant to say was : "Listen you are the first dude to come to this class in a while and honestly, I really need you to stick with this so at the very least I can feel just a little bit validated on my life choices here."

"I bet I am really going to like it," I retorted.  But what I was really saying was: "Thank God there is another dude here, seriously man, you are a life saver.  I am totally coming back if only to continue my support of you, big dude."

Class was hard, but rewarding.  I had to take a couple of breaks, mainly because I am not used to working out in 95+ degree situations.  The nice thing about Yoga is when you take breaks no one is yelling at you to get back into Warrior 1 dammit!


A Husband's Guide to : Alarms

So my home alarm company called me the other day.  It turns out that my system had reported an error and I was instructed to call the company when I was at home and request a test of service.

When I got home that evening I called in and told them I had to test my service.  I asked the lady on the other end of the phone what was going on, that I would have to test my service.  She said that the alarm was no longer sending a signal to the monitoring center.  We tested two ways.  First I tripped a silent alarm for an ambulance.  No message at the monitoring center.  Next I had to set off the not-so-silent alarm for 1 minute.  From this I learned two things.
1.)  60 seconds while your house alarm is going off feels like 45 minutes.
2.)  The neighbors probably hate me, as I was testing around 8.45 at night.

After the not-so-silent alarm was run for a minute there was still no signal to the monitoring center.  I had to have a guy come out and fix it.  To any stalkers out there, my alarm is fixed now so no chance of you exploiting this for your chance at any memorabilia you would want to steal.

This whole situation got me thinking about marriage.  Are there times when an alarm is going off but the signal isn't getting to the proper authorities.  (See what I did there, I know, I'm clever).

How many times have you come home and gotten mad at your spouse for something, when really you were mad at something completely different.  Maybe you had a bad day at work and when you get home you start sounding the alarm about something small, when really you need to get with the people at work who upset you in the first place.

Sounding alarms can be tricky, sometimes you are focused on the right thing, other times you just don't know what you are mad at.  I know what you are thinking, "But TheHusBlog, how do I tell the difference?"  Well, either that or, "Jimbo, how about I call you Jimbo?"  I have a simple test that might help you determine if you are upset at the right thing:

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Testing Your Anger
(If meet any of the below criteria, then you might be mad at the wrong thing)

  • Can you clearly explain the action/thing/situation that made you angry?
  • When you explain it out loud does it sound dumb?
  • Do you have the uncontrollable urge to listen to Tracy Chapman, The Cure, or Tori Amos (if so you are probably not mad at all just depressed) ?
  • When asked about the situation do you clam up and say "I don't want to talk about it (if so you are probably not mad at all just passive aggressive) ?
Its okay to sound the alarm if you are angry, just make sure the right people are getting the signal.  Too many times our most cherished people (our spouses) suffer the slings and arrows of our anger when really they are not the bad guys.  


Husband Trials : Man Time

I have two best guy friends, one helped me start this blog and has been mentioned before as FriendofTheHusBlog and the other decided to follow is life long dream of being lawyer and he currently lives about 8 hours away, we'll call him FutureLawyerofTheHusBlog.

As I have aged, gotten older, matured I have realized that great guy friends are hard to come by and should be cherished.  The interesting thing is the roles that each of these guys play in my life.

FutureLawyerofTheHusBlog is awesome to hang out with.  We kick back, have a couple drinks, play poker, talk shit, watch movies, all in all good things.  Usually FutureLawyerofTheHusBlog and I debate politics constantly.  I do not get to see him that often so each time we get together we usually try to cram as much in as possible.  (Okay I am re-reading this and is using the word cram while talking about guy friends send off the wrong signal?)

FriendofTheHusBlog and I work together so I get to see him daily.  We grab lunch at least once a week and often have a couple minutes a day just to catch up.  He is also married and believe it or not, many of the topics of this blog are hatched during conversations between him and I.  The challenge with FriendofTheHusBlog is that he has 4 children so while we get to see each other almost every workday we rarely get a chance to hang outside the office.

Now the interesting thing is that FriendofTheHusBlog and I both have a free weekend coming up and we are going to hang out.  What started as a conversation about what to do on our day out has blossomed into a full on day of man-pampering or manpering for short (yeah I just made that word up, jealous?)

I am not going to get into our plans but it does involve at least a straight razor shave and some sort of red meat product cooked over fire.  But thing I noticed is that making time for friends is so very important and it is something I totally lost sight of during the beginning of my marriage.

I lost many good friends not because of a fight or disagreement, but through negligence.  And while those friends are lost to the ashes of time, I have be so very fortunate enough to make new friends.

The point of this post is this : Make time for your friends because when you do, you are really making time for yourself.  (Holy shit if that isn't a Hallmark Card it will be soon...  I'll make millions, thousands, hundreds, a couple bucks)

Keep your focus on your spouse when you should, but don't get so lost in her that you miss out on all the enrichment that comes from a solid friendship (Yep, that's another Hallmark Card)


A Husband's Guide to : Making It Worse

We have all heard the cliche`s:

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

"Every cloud has a silver lining."

"Comedy = Tragedy + Time"

Ok, that last one might just be a family saying.  But the point of the first two is all about things getting worse before they get better.  In marriage, especially with conflict this can be so very true.  The bringing of two people together is bound to cause problems but I have found in some fights you have a choice : End it quickly by owning your mistakes or forgiving hers, OR making it worse.

I would like to spend some time talking about making it worse, and why sometimes, that is the best option.  Freud had a saying, "The issue is never the issue."  Or course he also said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," this was of course after being pressed about his love of cigars and his penchant for talking about phallic issues.  But I want to talk about the first one.  The issue is not the issue.  It is a challenging concept, but one I have found that is so true.  Sometimes a fight can start about a non-issue because it is bringing to light the actual issue, and only after conversation can you dig into the root of the problem.

There are times when it is easier to concede an argument and more on, but that will just bring on more conflict later because you have not addressed the issue.  I know what you are thinking, "But, TheHusBlog, how do I know when I should make it worse?"  To answer that I am going to have to turn to the tried and true :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Questions to Ask Yourself Before Making It Worse
  • Do you understand what the fight is about?
  • Do you understand what your spouse is talking about?
  • Do you feel like the issue is resolved?
If you answer no to any of the above questions then it is time to roll up your sleeves and make it worse.  This is not to say that you should get all angry and start saying mean things.  But it is to say that you are not going to apologize/forgive until you understand what is really going on.

Digging to the bottom of an issue is never fun and often involves lots of talking and LISTENING.  See what I did there, did you get the hint as what the most important behavior is...

LISTEN (did it again) to your spouse and make sure that you understand what the real issue is.  It might make some fights worse or longer, but it will lead to less of them.


I am amused

Hello there everyone, just a quick announcement.  My post A Husband's Guide to : Bleaching Your Asshole is now my most read post.. by a lot.  This means two things.

1.)  I need to be careful as to what I name posts because of web searches that turn up TheHusBlog.
2.)  I am completely amused.

This means that there are people actually searching "How to Bleach your asshole" and my post is coming up and they are clicking on it.  Certainly, there are loyal readers enjoying my posts as they are meant to be enjoyed.  However there is also a population of people searching for the aforementioned topic and finding themselves here.  Oh how I wish I could jump through their computers and yell "Surprise!" when they realize where they have ended up...  Hopefully though, they don't have a bottle of bleach in their hands at the time.

Be on the look out for some of my new posts :

  • A Husband's Guide to : 2012 GOP Candidates
  • A Husband's Guide to : Lowing my Home Equity Loan
  • A Husband's Guide to : Nude Pictures of Taylor Swift
  • A Husband's Guide to : Occupy Wall Street
 Ok, I am certainly not going to do any of the above posts...  Well maybe the last one.

Just wanted to share.


Yes I know I didn't post this one time, turns out I did not schedule this one.

A Husband's Guide to : Chores

So there is a great divide in how husbands and wives view chores.  This realization came to me recently and I just had to share.  Men(Husbands) view chores as a prisoner views good behavior.. if you do enough you get time off.  Women(Wives) view chores as a farmer views soil... if you do not do them, you don't eat.

And...  Cue the hatemail.  I am sure that my metaphor is going to ruffle a few feathers, but before you get offended I would like you come with me on this journey.  Let's start with the prisoner...  "You know what TheHusBlog, if that is your real name.  I think you making husbands out to be prisoners only perpetuates the cycle of confusion in marriages and you as a blogger of only slightly less fame than prancing kittens fun time blog should be more careful with your words!  Hmmmpffff."  To that I have to say: come with me on this journey and reserve criticism until the end. 

The prisoner is a man atoning for his sins.  In this example the sins are selfishness.  We men tend to be very narrowly focused on ourselves during our single life.  Once we end up in a committed relationship with someone we love, well... we tend to be jackasses.  We don't think like our wives and often times this gets us into trouble that we are unaware we are in!  And getting out of jail does not represent divorce, instead it represents being a productive member of society.  The prisoner is not  a man wanting to get out of his marriage, but instead, the prisoner is a man who wants to be a productive member of the relationship.  That being said, the metaphor also specifically fits chores representing confinement, and lack of chores representing release.

The farmer is a woman working to make something from nothing.  I am not trying to be sexist here or say that women are incapable of working or anything like that.  But I am saying that most women are great at making a house a home.  They are great at civilizing we men.  They are great at bringing a gentle touch into a heavy handed world.  Women can take the salt of the earth and make it amazing.  That being said the metaphor also fits representing someone who is dedicated to the daily grind of tilling the soil, planting the seeds, and growing the fruits of labor...

There are you on board with the prisoner and farmer metaphor now???  "Hmmmmmppppffffff"  I'll take that as a yes!  Smileyface.  The prisoner and the farmer have two completely different views on chores.  I will explain, oh heck...  I'll just do a...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Prisoners and Farmers
  • The prisoner believes that doing more chores now should allow for less chores later.
  • The farmer believes that there is a fixed amount of stuff that has to get done, doing more makes life better but does not allow for day to day items to slip.
  • The prisoner is focused on a time in the future for relaxation.
  • The farmer is focused on the here an now.
  • The prisoner can handle things being slightly out of sorts in exchange for more fun time.
  • The farmer can handle little extras not being done if the core work is complete.
The prisoner and the farmer do view chores with completely different glasses, but the end goals of both are the same.  A happy life.  Sure the prisoner wants to work hard then slack off, whereas the farmer wants to do what is needed day by day.  But the secret is that both of them could learn from the other.  Maybe the dishes can be left in the sink over night while the two have a couple drinks and make out like teenagers.  And maybe a tidy home each day makes them both feel more comfortable.  The truth of the matter is balance is the key.  The prisoner should enjoy doing a little extra work even if he does not get time off for good behavior and the farmer should chill out a little bit when something doesn't get done right away.  

The real key is to "suck it up."  Prisoner! vacuuming the den doesn't really take that much time and you can do it during commercial breaks.  Farmer! the laundry can wait another day, enjoy some time with your prisoner(of love).  Yeah, I know, last line too cheesy, I get it.

You have to understand the perspective of your spouse when it comes to all different aspects of your life together.  We all view chores a little bit differently.


Husband Trials : The Finer Things In Life

I just recently had a birthday and as I am growing older (and noticing more grey hair) I have come to the realization that I like nice things.  I no longer desire cheap stuff.  On one hand this is a blessing, realizing the value of spending more to get something that will last.  On the other hand this is a curse as now I cannot be made happy with a cheap little trinket.

My tastes have turned to high end electronics, nice furniture, and quality clothes.  Maybe this is a rite of passage that all adults go through or maybe I am just a stuck up snob.  But the fact remains, what once made me happy doesn't anymore.

So I am wondering if you all (my readers) feel the same way?  As you get older do you pine for quality over quantity?

Please let me know...


A Husband's Guide to : Feng Shui

Feng Shui is the study of energy moving throughout your house for a more positive chi...  Or something like that. I never really put much stock into Feng Shui until I started thinking about cuddling...(Don't worry about the segue give me a minute and it will all make sense)

When my wife and I first met I had a crappy little 700 sq ft apartment with small furniture and a big tv.  After we got engaged she moved in and with everything, from watching tv to eating dinner we were close(hell practically on top of one another).  We were young and in love so being all smushed(screw you spell check smushed is a word!) together on a couch was romantic.  Brushing our teeth together using one sink was cute.  Sleeping in my queen sized bed was snuggle-riffic(ok, I concede on this one spell check, snuggle-riffic is not a word).

Now that we have grown up a little we have more space and nicer things, but I began to realize that these nicer things were making it harder to cuddle.  We have a huge reclining couch(yeah I know...) and each side reclines independent of the other so rarely are our two sides in-sync which makes anything more than hand holding a feat of gymnastic greatness.  We use separate bathrooms to get ready in the morning so we don't run into each other.    We have our own blankets on our bed because each one of us is convinced the other is a blanket hog.

So the nicer things have added a layer of comfort but at what cost?  Maybe just maybe a little forced closeness is not a bad thing...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Questions About Your Home

  • Where do you spend the most time as a couple?  Is there room for you there to be intimate(not just sex, I mean touching, cuddling, and dare I say snuggling)
  • Do you both get a good night's sleep?  Do you enjoy sleeping in the same bed?
  • What room do you spend the least amount of time in?  Is there a reason why?
  • Is there any furniture that you hate?  Why?
Think about your home, is it set up for you both as a couple?  Too many times in life we focus on the wrong thing.  Who cares if something looks perfect or is the right price, think about not just you using it, but you both using it.

As you both work towards the perfect home, remember that it has to be perfect for you both, a room that looks great but is uncomfortable will never get used.

Quick Hit : Traffic

Warning : This post contains foul language.

Warning : This post contains fowl language.

I was driving home tonight after a wonderful dinner with my parents and at 8.00pm a major highway was shut down to one lane for construction.  I was stuck in this horrid traffic for over 45 minutes and this was after already traveling 30 minutes.  I tend to talk a lot to the cars around me, they cannot hear me, but sometimes a good yell makes me feel better.  As I was talking to the cars around me (really myself), I thought I should turn this into a post.  So below you will read some of the things I said :

  • "Well aren't you a glorious ass fuck!"
  • "Shuffle the deck people!!!!  One car from one lane goes, then from the other, this isn't rocket surgery!"
  • "If you're gonna ride my ass this hard then at least give me a reach around you hipster fuck!" (I had no way of knowing if the driver behind me was a hipster but doesn't it just roll off the tongue)
  • "You drive like a cocaine addicted donkey!"  (I don't know where I come up with this shit either)
  • "I'm getting out of your way, from the looks of your car, you don't care whether you live or die."  (Never try to cut off someone with a tri-colored car due to replacement bumpers, you should know they do not give a flying fuck)
  • "Your chicken shit ass should have your license revoked with a furry of a thousand suns!" (See I warned you, fowl language)
  • "I'm giving you room, move over now, because I do not have time to walk over an invitation you ungrateful dick wash!"  (Again, no clue where I come up with this stuff...  What the hell is a dick wash?)
  • Upon being cut off by a rather large truck...  "I will spend the next month imagining you in great pain sir, fear my wraith!"
This post really doesn't have anything to do with being married but I wanted to give you a glimpse into my psyche.


A Husband's Guide to : The Small Stuff

Marriage begins with three successive BANGS!  First the proposal, which is an event all to itself.  Second is the wedding which is a huge affair to plan.  Third is the honeymoon.. and you get to bang(I know it is a pretty cheap joke).

The point is that the beginning of a marriage is full of these huge, wonderful things and then all of a sudden the big things stop and the small things begin.  During courtship we all make bold sweeping statements when caught up in the moment.  Usually they are promises to always or never do something.
- "I will never go the bed angry with you"
- "I will always kiss you hello and good-bye"
- "I will always take out the trash"
- "I will never let you down"

If you have made any of the promises above then you are a liar.  No one can promise an "always" or a "never" marriage and life for that matter is all about taking the time to do the little things.  Think about your spouse for a couple minutes each day and decide to do something nice for them.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Small Stuff Ideas

  • Chores : Look, you know what your "jobs" are around the house, be it taking out the trash, or emptying the dishwasher try to do them without being asked.
  • Share Time : When your wife enters a room, turn off the tv and give her your undivided attention.  Listen to her talk about her day and tell her about yours.
  • Ask If You Can Help : A simple "is there anything you need me to do?" can go a long way to helping bring some peace into your household.
Nothing I have written here is rocket science, just some simple things you can do to help out your spouse.  Don't worry about the "always" and the "never" instead worry about the small things that make life so much more enjoyable...


Things That Make Husband's Cringe

So I was thinking the other day of all the things that I'd love my wife to say, like : "Honey do you want to see the new lingerie I bought?"  OR  "Honey we really need a new HDTV."  OR "Honey, we should buy you something."  Now let me first say that I don't think I have ever heard my wife say any of those things but hey a guy can dream can't he?  

Now this naturally made me think of all things my wife can say that send a small shiver down my spine.  So here they are :

Things That Make A Husband Cringe
  • "We need to go furniture shopping"  --Furniture shopping is a horrid experience because men in general do not care.  Can I sit on it, will it hold a TV, these are the only two questions we really care about.  And most times us guys just don't have an opinion on something, so we say "whatever you want babe."  Little do we know that this is the wrong answer.
  • "Let's clean the house this weekend" --Cleaning the house usually involves us lugging trash to the garage but for some reason during a house cleaning little DIY projects always see to creep in.  Thanks for vacuuming, now can you hang these three pictures.
  • "Honey, I have a great project for us to do together"  --Recipes for disaster.
  • "The new Twilight movie is out" --NNnnnnnnnOOOOOoooooooooo
  • "How much money do we have in the account?" --We are about to buy something big I know nothing about.
  • Let's go to the mall" --If we really want terrorists to talk, why waterboard when 3 hours through a crowded mall will work just as well.  Just a few minutes of dodging strollers, kids that run in strange unpredictable patterns, and countless people trying to sell you stuff will make even the most hardened terrorist spill.
These are just a few but I am sure you can think of more.

These are just a few examples.

Quick Hit : Conversation With My Wife On Date-Night Tonight

So my wife and I were heading out to dinner for a fun night out and we got to talking in the car.


TheHusBlog : "Oh, come on now, before we got married I could totally take care of myself."

Wife : "Sure you could honey"

TheHusBlog : "Wait a minute, where do you think I would be today if we weren't married."

Wife : "Probably in a hospital bed some where alone."

TheHusBlog : "I don't think that is true."

Wife : "You're right, I am sure your mom would visit."

TheHusBlog : "So you think I would be alone, in horrible health without you?"

Wife : "Well you might have married your ex-girlfriend..."

TheHusBlog : "Wow, I have no idea what to say"

Wife : "But honey, you're fine, I married you, now watch the road"

Writing this exchange out just really doesn't do it justice.  It really way funny.


Things That Make Me Struggle

Okay loyal reader I have a confession : I really struggle with my Saturday posts.  They are supposed to be quick funny lists that are somehow related to marriage and I have to be honest, that well is running dry right now.  When I first started this blog I was able to churn out the Saturday posts like no one's business and for the past couple of months they have not been that funny.  Sure I might chuckle a little at them, but they are no where near the caliber of Terms of Enragement which is to this day one of my most read posts.

You would think that my larger content Wednesday posts would be the most difficult to write however they seem to fly off my fingers and into blogging history without challenge.  I have noticed that my Husband Trials posts seem to get a decent level of reading so I think for at least a little while I am going to substitute the Husband Trials for my Saturday posts until I can get more inspiration for Terms Of and Things.

I hope you don't mind the change and continue to enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing it.


A Husband's Guide to : Item Values

To be subtitled purses and televisions.

So my wife and I were having a quiet conversation right before going to bed.  We usually have our best chats laying (lying?) in bed right before we fall asleep.  The subject centered around my parent's new HD TV.  I was telling her how awesome the picture was and asking her if she noticed the difference between the picture of their TV and ours.  (I know that you know where I am going but don't jump ahead...  live in the moment).  So here is an excerpt from our little late night convo :

WIFE : Sure the picture is nice, but there is nothing wrong with our TV.

THEHUSBLOG : But our tv is early generation HD so the picture quality is not as good, and we only have two HDMI ports, so at most on that tv we could only put cable and a blu-ray player.

WIFE : (totally ignoring my point) I just can't justify spending that much on a TV.

THEHUSBLOG : What about purses?

WIFE : Wait a minute, my purses are not nearly as expensive as a TV!

THEHUSBLOG : But we are talking about one tv and you have literally dozens of purses.

WIFE : So? (seriously at this point in the conversation I could feel my wife cross her arms in a defensive posture in bed)

THEHUSBLOG : Here's the deal.  You like purse, you like shoes and that is totally cool with me.  You like what you like and you want what you want and I never stand in the way of that.  If you want a purse and we have the money you do not have to justify that to me.  It is something you want and it makes you happy so who am I to stand in your way?

WIFE : That all sounds well and good but my purses are only a couple hundred dollars (remember we don't have kids so we can use terms like only a couple hundred dollars) and the TV is over a thousand.

THEHUSBLOG : But if I save up my own money, and buy a TV with cash that is only mine (we give each other a small amount per paycheck as personal money) I would still have to justify it to you.

WIFE : You are so right honey you win the argument, you are so wise and sexy...  (okay she didn't say that.  Instead she let out a noise letting me know that she was done talking about HD TVs for the night)

We all value different things.  In marketing it is called the "Utility of a product."  When someone tries to sell you a slap chop, they are not selling you a cheap plastic piece of crap that cuts things.  They are selling you time.  Time you will save chopping your hard boiled egg for salad, or nuts for your homemade sundaes.  To my wife a purse is not just a bag of leather that holds things, it is an accessory that complements her outfit or shows a little of her sassy personality.

To me a HD TV is a great way to unwind.  I don't want to just watch TV, I want to escape to world where a serial killer who kills other killers is a good guy(Dexter), or watch Stranger Than Fiction(one of my all time favorite movies) in crazy High Definition.  To me a thousand dollars broken out over the hours and hours of TV that I will enjoy is only pennies a day.

So next time your spouse wants to spend money on something that you think is stupid.  Take a second and try to see the utility through their eyes.  We don't have to completely understand all the wants and needs of our significant others but we do have to respect them...


ps : Sorry this is a little late

pps : This also marks my first Husband's Guide post without a definition pause, I will do better next time.

Quick Hit : "Over-Nicing"

Over-Nicing(verb) : The act of being overly nice to people around you while you and your wife are having a fight.

"We were fighting about money during and we totally over-niced the waiter each time he came over to see if we needed anything."

Things That Should be in a Marriage Contract

"Till death do us part" really does not convey all that a marriage should encompass.  Marriage is not a set of rules or laws that should be followed.  Marriage is a conviction, a passion to see something through...  Take some time to think about the contract you would like to forge with your spouse.  Think about the things that are important to you and then create something that binds.  Something that shows you not only care about each other, but you know each other...  Here is my list (you can totally steal some of my things below, you have my permission). :

Things in my Marriage Contract

  • I swear to side with you : It can sometimes feel like the whole world is out to get you, often times the best feeling in the world is to know that someone is in your corner.
  • I swear to not be a douche : You know the best ways to get under your partner's skin, promise to not use them, even when it would be funny.
  • I swear to take care of myself : Your life no longer belongs to you when you get married, it belongs to your spouse.  Take care of yourself with the same care you would want her to care for herself.
  • I swear to never let my pride ruin us : Pride is probably the one thing that can cause more conflict than anything else.
We should all think about the things that we would want in our marriage contract.  And let's be honest just promising something isn't enough, we have to mean it too...


Husband Trials : Vacation Tales

As you know I was out and about in AZ this week for my cousin's wedding.  First of all the wedding was awesome, the resort was awesome, and it was great to see family that I had not seen in years.  There was one cousin that I had not seen since she was 7 and I was like 11 so we had not connected in over 20 years.  Let's call this cousin LongLostCousinofTheHusBlog(LLCTHB for short).  Well, her and I were hanging out with her boyfriend and my wife during a meet and greet reception.  It turns out that she has two things that she loves, taking pictures and drinking scotch.

During the meet and greet random family members were commanded to smile for pictures and LLCTHB was constantly telling everyone that her camera automatically airbushed everyone.  The more she drank the more pictures she took...  Well after the reception some of us headed down to the resort bar for some more drinks.  When we got down there we all started ordering drinks and our waitress told LLCTHB that she was uncomfortable serving her because she was totally drunk.  I would have been mortified but LLCTHB took it all in drunken stride and said, "that's cool, just give me a water then". (slurs admitted for brevity)

Now here is a breakdown of what I did

  • During the whole evening I was constantly apologizing to our waitress when LLCTHB would try to order an alcoholic beverage every time the waitress came over.  I was telling LLCTHB to go up to bed and she was telling me over and over again that she was fine, and then would proceed to try to get others at our table to order her a drink.
Now here is a breakdown of what my wife did

  • Every time that LLCTHB would look like she was ready to fall asleep in our chair she would shout, "hey LLCTHB take a picture!"  And she f-ing would.  
Moral of the story.  I spent the evening trying to smooth over my drunken cousin's behavior with everyone and my wife just decided to totally fuck with her...

Guess who had more fun?


TheHusBlog Debates : Hilary

So I was gone for a while and I did not check the site for the few days I was in AZ for a wedding.  Upon my return I see several comments from Hilary on various postings of mine.  All of them include a signature for an e-cigarette site, that in my opinion is peddling crap.  I commented back on two of the comments then removed them because I felt I was being mean.  So I am left with two options when it comes to Hilary :

  1. Hilary honestly reads the blog and wanted to comment and happened to put an e-cigarette review site in her signature because she genuinely believes in their products and wants to promote them.
  2. Hilary spammed the hell out of my blog because of one mention of e-cigarettes and is only seeking more clicks to her site.
So here is what I am going to do.  Hilary, if you are real reader then I give you the benefit of the doubt, no nasty comments from me will be posted for one week.  I will wait to see if you are a real reader and if you comment back to this then I will let it slide.  However if you are instead a dirty little spam bot then I am going to have some fun!


ps : Anyone else is more than welcome to weigh in as to what I should do.

A Husband's Guide to : Weddings

So I am a little bit late today on my post but I assure you I have a good reason.  I am traveling with my wife to one of my favorite cousin's weddings.  This wedding is taking place at the Ritz-Carlton in Tucson, AZ and we just got here.  And me, being the loyal blogger that I am, is stopping enjoying this beautiful place to write up a quick blog.  But first here is the view from our room :

Hopefully now you will be able to forgive me for being late and not doing a full post.  I promise to cover more on weddings in another post.


Random Thoughts - Conversation With My Wife

The wife and I have been debating our a move lately.  If you have been reading you will know it is a choice between staying here, which is good for my career, and moving which would be a great job for her.  The debate finally came a close two nights ago while we were laying* in bed talking.

WIFEY : So I guess we are staying here then

THEHUSBLOG : Baby, that is great.  I think you will see that with my income and your income we can really start to have a comfortable life and pay down debt and....

WIFEY : Yeah, you just need to say thank you

THEHUSBLOG : Well of course thank you, but I want you to know that you can have final say in any new furniture we buy.

WIFEY : I already have that

THEHUSBLOG :  You're going to use this to your advantage multiple times in the future aren't you

WIFEY : Yep.

And there you have it.  A debate between the two of us talked about, fought about, thought about, for months just ended, with not a bang but a quiet conversation while laying* in bed.  It just goes to show that throughout everything, all the challenges and all the fights sometimes two people just cut through it all to make a decision. And I am sure that my wife will use this to her advantage in the future but I respect her enough to know that if the tables were turned, I would do the same thing...  LOL.  Love ya babe


* I really don't know if it is laying or lying or some other word but I am sure you get what I meant

Husband Trials : The Nacho Summit

My wife and I have been locked in a long battle over moving.  She is about to graduate with her CRNA degree and as such she is searching for a new job.  My career has been providing income for the past 3 years and while she was going to school and not around as much I told her I would be focusing on my career to help get us through.  As such I went from 75K to almost 90K in the past three years, granted this has been hard on me but it has been well worth it to help not only support my wife's schooling, but also allow me to buy some cool new toys...

The battle we are in centers around a GREAT job offer for her in a completely different city three hours away from where we live now, versus a OK job in the city we live in now.  If she takes the GREAT job we have to move and while I have been searching, I have not found anything in the new city yet.  The new city does have opportunity, but I just haven't found a fit yet.  The GREAT job is less pay for her than the OK job, but it provides a good work life balance and she loves the people she would work with.  The OK job is more money but would cause her to work overtime and weekends with some people she likes, and other people she downright loathes...

The OK job would allow me to stay at my current company where I am well thought of and have good promotion potential.  The GREAT job shows no prospects now...

The battle we are in is all about what is best for US.  We went to workout this morning and the drive to the gym was quiet and tense due to a fight the night before.  We went to spin class and had a good workout, then we got in the car and after about 2 minutes of tense silence my wife and I started fighting.  It got heated, raised voices and dare I say some hurtful comments on both parties.  She was saying that I was never excited for her opportunities, and I was saying no matter how hard I tried to adapt it was never good enough for her...  As we got closer to home we both realized that we were fighting for the same outcome, "something beneficial for both of us."  We both wanted the same thing but we were fighting because neither party felt understood and validated...

We got home and I was hungry (spoiler alert, the Nacho part of this blog post is coming up).  So I put some chips and cheese and taco meat (from the tacos the night before that I had refrigerated) on a plate and microwaved them.  I brought the heaping pile of cheesy, meaty, goodness to the table with some salsa on the side and motioned for her to join me...

And we ate.  And we talked.  The truth of the matter was, she was just as stressed out as I was and felt like I did not understand her.  And I was just as stressed as she was and felt like she did not understand me.  So we ate some nachos and figured out what our options really were...

The hardest part was being able to say the hard truths about how we felt.  When you love you partner and care about their happiness, sometimes you can instinctively try to shield them from things they might not like, especially when it is something that you are trying to correct yourself.  I had to tell her that I thought I had opportunity in the city with the GREAT job, but I was really scared and discouraged after months of searching and applying and not a single call back.  She was feeling really insecure because many other people in her graduating class already had multiple offers and she just had two.

Most fights are really a result of a breakdown in communication rather than some fundamental flaw.  There have been many times where both my wife and I have been saying the same thing but with different words and the understanding was not there.  That is the great thing about a "Nacho Summit".  We took a few moments to compose ourselves and each person spoke while the other was chewing...  This allowed both parties to speak without interruption, and because we were both eating from the same plate we had to stay close to one another.

So next time you and your significant other are in a fight, maybe cook up a plate of nachos...  Maybe some chips, cheese, and beef can be more than the sum of their parts, they could be a communication tool.

And even if the Nachos do not create the open communication that you are looking for, at least you won't be hungry.


Things I Would Read Part 2

The first list was so much fun to write that wanted to try it again.  This time I googled famous books and I am closing my eyes and randomly picking titles based on where I scroll to with my eyes closed...  This is going to be interesting.

  • Married Catch-22 : Rather than being about a pilot in World War 2 who tries to get out of more missions using an impossible to utilize rule, it is about a husband who tries (over the course of 16 chapters) to get his wife to let him go to a strip club with his buddies for bachelor party.  She finally allows him if only he promises to go wearing a blindfold...
  • Great Expectations of Married Men : Rather than a book, this is actually a pamphlet with the words on one side, "A Husband expects regular sex after marriage."  On the other side is a picture of a woman laughing with the words "Take out the damn trash."
  •  Brideshead Revisited : I want to make a joke about how little oral sex you get after marriage, but it is too easy so I am going to drop this one...
  • Crime and Punishment in Marriage : A 28 volume series detailing all the things that a man could do wrong and the punishments possible.  The last 2 pages in volume 28 deal with what a woman could do wrong...
Okay, I think that came out just a little less funny than I had hoped, but I will let you be the judge...  Did I miss one, let me know in the comments...


A Husband's Guide to : Bleaching Your Asshole

Before I get started let me first say that if you found this post searching for "How to bleach my asshole" you are probably not going to find what you are looking for, but seriously keep reading you might enjoy it.

"Okay TheHusBlog, WTF!, asshole bleaching, really?!  I know you have a history of starting off on some weird tangent and then bringing it all together, but it is getting harder and harder to check your blog at work!  And what the hell is your real name... seriously!"

I know, I know...  Trust me I am an amateur(could not say professional here because, let's face it, nothing about what I write about is professional).

But I digress...  Bleaching one's poop shoot (better or worse than asshole?) is a relatively new thing which is basically what is sounds like.  The basic goal is to try to make your log layer (better or worse than poop shoot?) look as pristine as the day you were born.  I have no idea why one would desire their Hersey Highway (better or worse than log layer?) to look that way...  But after some thought, and a few drinks I could only think of a couple reasons :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Reasons to get your Exit only hole (better or worse than Hersey Highway?) bleached

  • You have a mad crush on your proctologyst(sp), proctalogyst(sp), procteligist(sp)...Butt Doctor (I really could have looked up how to spell that properly, but this seemed funnier) and want to show off.
  • You signed up for the DVD/Blu-Ray package for your colonoscopy and want to show it to the grand kids one day.
  • You had some extra bleach laying around and thought, "now where can I put that?"
  • What if I am in a horrible accident tomorrow and the paramedics see my unsightly tunnel of crud (better or worse than exit only hole?).
  • You are only concerned with parts of your body you cannot see without  strategic use multiple mirrors.
By this point I hope you realize I am making fun of the whole asshole bleaching thing.  I see asshole bleaching as something stupid.  Why in the world would anyone focus on trying to change something that only the most intense of scrutiny would pick up on?  But the truth is we do it all the time.  We are own worst enemies.  We focus on one part of our bodies, or personalities and then spend countless amounts of hours or money trying to correct it.  And in doing so we miss the point entirely.  We judge ourselves too harshly, and rather than seeing the 99% of us that is good, we focus on the 1% that is bad.  And if my metaphor has hit home, you are starting to realize that that (that squared, consider your mind blown) 1% deserves no attention at all.

Instead of focusing on the part of you that you don't like, cultivate those things that you do like.  You will not only have more fun, but I am sure you will see better benefits in the short and long run.  Life and Marriage is about being the best partner you can be to those you love.  Another thing to think about is, "what if that one quirk or body part that you are so concerned so much about, is something that your partner finds endearing?"  We often hide the parts of ourselves that our partners find the most enjoyment from...  And let's be honest if you have loved one's in your life that only focus on the bad things you do or say then they shouldn't be loved ones should they?

(dramatic pause for previous rhetorical question)


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