A Husband's Guide to : Guys Night Out

The age old saying goes, "You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others."  Okay, I confess, I do not know if that is an age old saying but it kind of sounds like one right?   We give our all to our marriages (or at least we should) and sometimes all the work gets us down.  Sometimes a night out with the fellas is all one needs to remember that along with being a husband, you are also a man, and being around other men who know your trials can be refreshing.  Guys night out should be something that you do to recharge your batteries, get away, or just to have some fun with friends but you must remember that even with this, there are rules.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Rules for Guys Night
  • Prework : "Thou shalt get all chores done, in advance of Guy's Night."
  • Communication " "Thou shalt bring thyn cell phone and answer it, if the wife calls."
  • For the Wife : "Thou shalt only call in case of an emergency"
  • Location : "Thou shalt not go somewhere you know the wife would not approveth of..."  You know, strip clubs, singles bars, other shady places.
  • Moderation : "Thou shalt not get too drunk."  You should be able to have a good time without getting sloppy drunk, do you really think the wife will let you out again with your buddies if you come home three sheets to the wind?
  • Reciprocation : "For every guy's night, a girl's night must followeth..."
I think the above rules are rather simple to follow.  Being married is a great joy and a great amount of work, but we all need a quick break every now and again.  Be sure you take your break when you need it.  Enjoy time with friends, and when you take the time to get away you will appreciate what you get to come home to even more.


Things I Would Read

I was talking with a friend earlier today about book titles that I think should be made for us married men, and of course I feel the need to share.

Books that should be written

  • The Drama-Sutra : Rather than a book describing the interesting sexual positions a couple can work their way into, it describes how a fight about who ate the last egg explodes into a knock down drag out about the in-laws.
  • The Art of War and Marriage : This is actually the book The Art of War, just with a forward from a divorced couple.
  • Eat, Pray, Fight about making love : Chronicling the adventures of a couple who can eat together, pray together, and then fight about how much sex they are not having.
  • The Lord of the Wedding Rings :  The amazing story of how one man realizes that his ring was forged in the fires of Mount Doom and gives his bride unparalleled power over him.
  • Sense and Sensibility and other things Married Men are Confused by : This is actually just a dictionary of words that men thought they knew, but really didn't.  It also includes a 14-page colored guide around the word "intimacy" that men just thought meant sex.
  • The Odyssey : A 17 volume series around the exploits of a man in his quest to understand why when his wife said, "I'm fine", she wasn't.
Just a little funny stuff for your Saturday morning!


A Husband's Guide to : Sex Part 3 (Keys to the Kingdom)

Wives, I have recently learned speak in a pseudo secret code, that I am just now learning to decipher.  I am reflecting back to the communication chapters in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus but thanks to years of college drinking, a job that takes up way too much of my own memory and the fabulous side effects of being in my mid 30's I am at a loss.  So we are just going to have to move on without some pithy quote from a book you probably haven't read anyway...  In order to decipher this secret wife code, I am going to have to give some examples...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The "Da'Wifey Code" (meant to be a play on the Davinchi code, I know, I know, if you have to explain it, then it probably isn't good.  Well, screw you!  I am leaving it in anyway, so there!)
  • She says -- "This house is a mess."  She means -- "Will you please pick this place up, most of this crap is yours anyway!"
  • She says -- "We should do something romantic."  She means -- "Will you take me out and treat me like a lady, and not expect to get laid just cause you picked up a bill at a resturant one step nicer than Applebees."
  • She says -- "What are our plans for this weekend?"  She means -- "I am totally slammed this week and I really don't have time to even think about this weekend so could you please figure out what we are doing and just tell me when I need to be ready."
  • She says -- "I can't even think about dinner."  She means -- "Will you please make or acquire some sort of food for us."
So by now you should be seeing a pattern.  The wife makes a sweeping statement about a situation, and what she is really saying is she wants you to act upon it.  Now here is the part where it gets really unfair.  Sometimes you wife will say something to gain your empathy, not for you to do anything about it.  Other times, like in the examples above she will say something about a situation, not wanting your empathy, but instead wanting your action. 

"Wait a minute, TheHusBlog, how the hell am I supposed to tell the difference?"

I am really glad you asked that question.  The answer lies in the situation, if it is something that you can and regualarly do, do something about it.  If instead she is talking about a situation that you are not even remotely connected to, like her work, then listen and empathize.  It is important that you understand that your wife might sometimes ask for your help in a round about way.  We all need help, we need it everyday, listen to what your wife is saying, but also read between the lines so that you can provide all the help she needs, remember to be a good partner because I guarentee you are not always as easy to understand as you think you are too...




"Ah, TheHusBlog...  Aren't you forgetting something?  This post is called Sex Part 3, and I have not seen a single sentence dedicated to the topic, so is there some sort of mistake, did you miss label this post or something?!?!"

This post is sub-titled the keys to the kingdom for good reason.  The barriers to sex really all boil down to one thing...time.  As we get busier and busier we run out of time at the end of the day.  Time to work, time to get things done around the house, time to eat, time to sleep, hell, even time to just sit quietly for 5 minutes.  The key to have sex is all about time.  And the key to time is to help your partner get everything done in her day with some time left over.  Once you have the time, you will have the time...

Understand the hidden ques your wife gives you and you will be able to help her get things done.

-TheHusBlog... again.

Things From Back In The Day

So I was going through my computer the other day for data back up and what not, I have come across some of my old writings.  Some friends and I used to hang out, drink some booze, and come up with some (what we thought was) funny stuff.  I have to share some of this because I think it is funny.  Below I am listing off several of the acronyms that we came up with in College.  I will admit that some of them are risky so please read with caution...

D.R.T. (Define the Relationship Talk) – A talk in which one person is extremely uncomfortable as the other person is seeking some sort of commitment

N.P.T. (Non-Productive Touching) – Touching that will not directly lead to fellatio, cunillingus, or coitis

J.S.E. (Jerry Spring Etiquette) – An Act that would only be exceptable on Jerry Springer or at your Uncle’s Trailer

D.C.M. (Dawson’s Creek Moment) – A moment shared between two people in which an emotional exchange occurs often covered by unnecessary use of large words.

M.A.B. (Maladjusted Boy) – A boy coping with a repressed childhood…probably beaten up

M.A.G. (Maladjusted Girl) – A Girl coping with a repressed childhood…probably a slut

L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation) – A woman who finds the need to engage in homosexual behavior simply to piss off her parents…Or just so she can get guys.

B.U.G. (Bi sexual until Graduation) – Same as L.U.G. but a little more honest

T.M.I. (Too Much Information) – Information that when shared causes an uncomfortable feeling in everyone within earshot

A.C.B.(After a couple of beers) – The ability to overlook certain deformities after drinking an alcoholic beverage

R.F.S.(Red Flag Situation) – The same as T.M.I however one is attracted to the person who shared the information

T.M.A. (The Morning After) – The after effects of sleeping with someone (A.C.B.) and not knowing their name

P.O.F.(Preys on Freshman) – Those guys that love to pursue freshman girls who don’t know any better

P.O.H. (Preys on High School) – Those who just can’t get a date in college

B.A.V. (Born again Virgin) – Those chicks that used to put out then realized that no one respected them…They will soon realize no one will begin to respect them anyway

N.P.F.D. (Never Pays for Drinks) – Those damn bitches that ride their looks out for every drink they can get
C.H.A. (Can’t Hold Alcohol) – Persons who act like a complete idiot after a few drinks…usually also NPFD, ACB,  and TMA

N.B.F. (Never been Fucked) – People who just don’t know what they are missing

D.P.C. (Drunk Phone Call) – That call from someone who will say a lot of things they don’t mean so that you will come over

M.B.P. (Might Be Pregnant) – What a girl says when she is not getting enough attention

I.T.B.J. (Interested Till Blowjob) – When a man fakes interest in whatever a girl is saying long enough to get serviced


A Husband's Guide to : Hobbies

"Hobbies?  TheHusBlog, really?"  I know you are wondering how I am going to bring this one around to an important point about marriage, but really, trust me, I mean you are talking to the guy who related Gameshows to marriage so I think I have earned some credibility there.

We all have hobbies, maybe stamp collecting, wood working, or competitive eating.  As a single person hobbies can help pass the time, allow you to meet other people, or even improve yourself.  However once we become a couple, these hobbies can become a wedge between our spouses.  Because there is a wide variety of hobbies we are going to have to do some classification, which of course leads us to...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Types of Hobbies(Table)

                                                                                     Hobby Cost
Hobby Type                                 Cheap                                                           Expensive

Solo                                     Good For Marriages                                         Bad for Marriages

Shared                                 Bad for Marriages                                            Good for Marriages

I know I have some explaining to do on this table.  First of all solo hobbies are good, you should have something that is just for you, however it cannot be a drain on the family finances.  Nothing is worse then the lion's share of disposable income going to something that only one person can enjoy.  Now we move on to shared hobbies.  Cheap shared hobbies sound good, but in truth without some money behind them they will fall by the wayside.  When you and your spouse get started on something together it should cost something.  Think of it as an investment.  Reminds me of a saying I made up : "Where ever a person's money goes, so goes their heart."  That means that when you have some money put into something you tend to stick with it a little bit more.

"Okay, TheHusBlog, I get what you are saying, but honestly, how does this help me?" Well, good sir, the table above helps illustrate a point, but now you still have to think about what you and your spouse can do together right?

TheHusBlog Definition Pause part 2 : Hobby Examples

  • Self Improving Hobbies : These are hobbies that improve your life overall.  Working out, learning, stuff like that...
  • Home Improving Hobbies : These are the kind of hobbies that improve your surroundings.  Wood working, gardening, stuff like that...
  • Investment Hobbies : Stamp collecting, baseball card collecting, anything where you put some money in and hope in time you will see an increase in value.
  • Time Sucking Hobbies : These hobbies are characterized by just passing the time, video games, puzzle building, things along those lines.
As you can see you have some choices to make when it comes to hobbies.  First is something you and your spouse do together and second what kind of hobby is it.  You have to strive to find some common ground for you and your spouse to build on.  It is not always easy, but if you find the right hobby, it will at least be fun.


Terms of Accountability

We husbands are only human after all, and sometimes we do make some mistakes.  How we handle owning up to those mistakes can make all the difference in moving on.  So without further ado I give you Terms of Accountability.


  • My Bad : This one works great if you are dealing with your frat buddies or you accidentally over cooked a hot pocket.  This should only be used for the most minor of infractions.
  • I screwed up : This one shows ownership right off the bad.  Basically you are saying I did something wrong.  A little immature? Maybe.
  • I Made a Mistake : Ah, behold the mature version of "I screwed up."  Usually for medium level issues.
  • What Have I Done? : This is the denial term of accountability, usually reserved for when you have done something so dumb that even you can't believe you did it.
  • I Apologize : Simple, direct, to the point, used for larger scale screw ups.
  • I'm Sorry : The classic, still relevant today.
So next time you make a mistake, think about how to make amends.  Choose your words carefully.


A Husband's Guide to : Doing What You Are Good At

In relationships we often get into a routine of doing chores that follow into typical gender roles.  For example, the Husband usually takes out the trash, does moving of furniture, and handy man work.  While the Wife usually does the cooking and cleaning.  I am not trying to say that one could not be good at the other's chores, or anything sexist, I am just saying that chores usually follow skill set.  Conflicts around chores usually arise when one party has to do something that is outside of their skill set.  Some men might be totally overwhelmed by doing laundry, and some women might be totally overwhelmed by doing some handy work around the house.  Again before I continue I must say these are "typcial" roles and by no means am I trying to say that is how it should be.  For example, I do the all the laundry for my wife and myself.  But it goes without saying that everyone has there strong points.

This got me to thinking, if we all have our stong points, do we recognize them, and do we use them in our relationship.  I think it might be time for:

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Marriage Skill Sets
  • Technology : Wireless routers, de-fragging memory, virus protection, these are not just words to Technology person, they are badges of honor over battles won and lost...  Okay a little melodramatic but this skill set is all about making the home electronics work.
  • Handy-(wo)man : Leaky facuet, a door that squeks, pictures that need hanging, all of these are child's play to the handy-(wo)man.
  • Party Planner : This is the person that can cooridate schedules, make plans, and create a great time for everyone involved.
  • Researcher : This is the person that can scour the internet for weeks or even months on which washer and dryer is the right one to buy.
  • Decision Maker : This is the person who steps up and gives a plan when everyone else is saying : "I don't know what do you want to do?"  Couples can become indecisive about things and one person just needs to step up and make the plan,.
  • Patience : In every relationship I know of, both people have to have some measure of patience.  But there is always one person in the relationship that has the cooler head.
What is above is by no means an exhaustive list but as you read it, could you see the roles that you are good at and the roles that your spouse has mastered.  It is a funny thing, but we tend to marry people that reflect the skills we want. 

We are all good at some things and bad at others, and unfortunately sometimes we are good at things we don't like to do.  But for the sake of our spouses we use the skills we have for the betterment of our relationship.


Things That Cause Drama

"Happy Wife, Happy Life."  That is a saying that I think most of us husbands recognize as true.  Now when my wife is happy, my life is good.  When my wife is upset, my life is very much not so good.  I got to thinking about the little things that can drive our wives crazy and I thought, this is going to be a great list...

  • Leaving Laundry on the floor
  • Answering questions while clearly paying attention to something else
  • Spending too much money
  • Leaving the kitchen a mess
  • Not taking out the trash
  • Having too many "guy's nights"
And the list could go on.  This post really isn't meant to be funny, but instead thought provoking.  If it is easy to list the things that makes the wife go crazy, how easy is it to list the things that make her happy.  And if the list is easy, why aren't you doing them...


A Husband's Guide to : Longevity

How long do you want to live?  It is a simple question that involves so many complex situations.  When my wife and I first started dating it was long distance.  Every time we were together, we drank too much, ate too poorly, and didn't sleep enough(if you know what I mean...).  After my wife moved to my area and we got married certain fights started to creep up.  They all centered around my health.  When we first got married I was a 20-something dude and was put out by her "nagging" about my blood pressure(what the hell is that), and all other manor of things.  My wife was an RN at the time and knew all kinds of things I did not.

After much fighting, I finally went to the doctor for a check up.  The results were alarming(even as I write that sentence I can hear my wife saying "I told you so").  My doctor was also my father's doctor so he knew my family history and informed me that I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  My doctor used big words that really did not make any sense to me, but my wife explained it to me simply...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The Numbers You NEED to Know

  • Blood Pressure : This is two numbers, one over the other.  These numbers indicates how hard your heart is working to pump blood throughout your body.  If you cut through all of the difficult terms basically it is how hard your heart is working.  If you heart is working too hard day to day, it is probably not going to last as long as you want, I mean you wouldn't expect your car's engine to work for a long time if you were rev-ing it all the time would you?
  • Cholesterol : There is good cholesterol and bad cholesterol.  If you bad is too high or your good is too low then your arteries are going to clog.  Long story short, arteries clogging means you are going to have a heart attack, which if what I have heard is true, that is no fun.  High cholesterol is like a major traffic jam in your arteries and if you blood cannot get where it needs to go then you are in deep trouble.
  • Blood Sugar : If this number gets to be too high then you are going to get diabetes.  Diabetes means you are going to have to spend the rest of your life watching what you eat closely, or you are going to loose a limb.  Seriously, no joke.  Diabetics who do not carefully watch their blood sugar often lose, toes, feet, or legs.
I am writing this blog post for the same reason my wife "nagged" me about my health.  Because she wanted me to live longer, to both share in our life together, and be there when when she needed me.  As a husband you need to think about being there for your wife beyond "I Do".

It sucks moving from the invincible 20's to the rational 30's but you have to grow up sometime.  Growing up means thinking about your health and how it will affect your wife.  You may look good, and feel good, but if you do not know the numbers above then you don't know if you are healthy.


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