Random Post, Try to Keep Up


  So I was a bad blogger and missed Saturday's Post.  I have no good excuse, it was just a very busy weekend.  Unfortunately, here we are Wednesday and the Muse is not really inspiring me.  So I give you a bunch of little random posts rolled into one, kind of like 7 layer bars but less fattening.

Funny Thing My Mother In Law Says:
  • <To Me> : "I saved your old silverware in case <wife's name here> leaves you and takes your silverware with her."
  • "If it gets too late after dinner I can just stay the night, it will be fun."
  • <To my wife> : "Having you was the happiest day of my life, even though I was in labor for 13 hours and almost died."

Random Conversation With My Wife

WIFE : I need you to pick up all of our packages from the front desk from now on.

ME : Okay....  Why?

WIFE : Because I think the guy down there thinks I am a shop-a-holic.

ME : So you think the leasing agent is silently judging you?

WIFE : Yes.

ME : Glad I didn't marry a crazy person.

Random Conversation with a Co-Worker

COWORKER : Where do you want to go to lunch?

ME : How about Sweet Tomatoes (This is a healthy Salad Bar and Soup Place)

COWORKER : Ew no.  Do you know how many common people touch the handles to the serving utensils there?

ME : Did you just say 'common people'?

COWORKER : Yes, and I need to go somewhere that I will be served.

ME : I feel like I am still back at the whole 'common people' thing.

COWORKER : Well we have moved on, I need you to keep up.

ME : So Chili's then?

COWORKER : Very well.


A Husband's Guide to : Work Emotions

So I was driving home today from work with two over riding thoughts.  One was based on a work situation in which something I said was misconstrued and a friend was hurt.  This was something that very much bothered me and I was upset but the whole situation.  The other thing rattling around in my head was what the hell am I going to blog about tonight...

Fortunately, or unfortunately everything came to a head and two problems combined to be both my solution and my penitence...

So my wife had a decent day and was off of work a little early.  She got home threw in a couple loads of laundry and was waiting for me to come home.  She wanted to hit the gym this evening but wanted me to walk with her to a local restaurant, pick out some food and I would take it home and she could run the gym.  Restaurants around us close early so we would have to go before she went to the gym.  This also seemed like a great chance for us to talk about our day and chit chat.

Now I really knew none of this and came home in a bad mood.  Let's breakdown what happened shall we?

I come home, drop my bag on the ground and let out a groan.  Wife was perky and happy to see her husband.  "Hey Baby," she said, "how was your day?"

"Awful," I say, as I plop down on the couch.  "Had a conflict at work, it was shitty, I feel really bad."

"I am sorry to hear that, what happened?"  The nerve of her to be so caring...

"I don't want to talk about it."  Firmly said.

"Well if you wait 20 minutes we can go pick out some dinner together before I go to the gym." she said smiling, the gaul(sp?) of this woman...

"Can you just tell me what you want and I will go pick it up now, I just want to get out of these work clothes..."  Please understand this was said in the most melodramatic way possible, with just a touch of attitude...

Now it is at this point in the conversation my wife said the one word that signifies shit is hitting the fan...


So once the f-bomb got dropped I stopped my thoughts in their tracks and really talked with the wife.  Told her in detail about my work conflict and she told me in detail about her plans for the evening.  Everything worked out, we went and got some food together and she got to work out.

I felt bad, so I did what I normally do when I am in trouble.  Clean.  I folded the clean laundry, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher and started another couple loads of laundry just for good measure.  I hand washed some nice wine glasses and took out the trash.  In short I did the married version of kissing ass.

I had a problem at work with a friend and co-worker that was really bothering me.  It was bothering me so much that I came home still in a bad mood.  I unfortunately did not talk about it and instead was distant and cold to the wife.  Now this only lasted a few minutes but it illustrated how bringing home work problems can be a pain to your significant other.

The key to keeping this from happening to you is to take a couple minutes and calm down before you get home.  The last thing you want to do is bring a work problem home and take it out on your spouse. And if you do slip up a little apologize and get to cleaning...


Marriage Resume

So I once wrote a profound (at least to me) phrase : "Every person you love is a lesson on how to love."  I believe at the time I was pining over a girl with a pierced nose and blue hair, who dug Keats, and lived in my dorm.

Remembering that quote and working on my resume gave me inspiration for this post, good or bad...

The resume is an interesting document, it is part truth, part embellishment, and all history.  Most of us spend hours pouring over our Professional Resume, analyzing each sentence, tweaking each word, and proofing each paragraph.  This document is supposed to represent us in the best light in order to be hired by a company.  This of course got me to thinking that what criteria would be on our Marriage Resume.  What would represent previous employment?  What skills would apply?  What would be the soft skills we bring to the table?

"You think of some strange stuff you know that?"


"Okay just checking."

So without further ado, I give you my marriage resume.  (Names and dates changed to protect the innocent, wronged, or just plain crazy...)

"Did you just ellipse in a parenthesis?  Have you been drinking?"


"Thought so..."

Judgmental Bastard.

TheHusBlog Marriage Resume

Marriage Statement : Having spent a considerable amount of time in long term relationships I am looking to utilize my skills in harmony making and chore management to the benefit of a marriage partner.  I am adept at conflict management, date planning, and potential mother(or father) in law exposure.  I have relationshiped in both high stress and fast paced environments and can keep up with mood changes if needed.  I have had exposure to fear of commitment, daddy issues, and unfounded jealousy and those items have grown my marriage skills considerably.  Multitasking and internal reflection have received high marks on evaluations.

Relationship History

Wendy (Jan 2001 - Oct 2003)
Longest relationship to date.  Focused on proper positive reinforcement and support of late college entry.  Also supported rehabilitation of previous criminal behavior.

  • Successfully navigated complex family dynamics
  • Provided a high level of financial support
  • Dealt with strong and rapid mood swings
Reason for Departure : Lack of long term potential and relationship growth.  Also she was a felon and kind of crazy, just sayin'

Amy Jane (Dec 1998 - June 2000)
Interesting relationship paradigm.  She was an extremely devout Christian and I was agnostic at the time.  Relationship centered on her trying to save me and me trying to damn her.
  • Managed to censor music in car by turning down at volume at swear words
  • Engaged in intimate relations one minute and feeling guilty another
  • Performed a passable inspection when confronted with Highly Religious parental figures
  • Abstained from alcohol during entire duration of relationship (and I was in College at the time)
Reason for Departure : She was pretty sure I was going to Hell (at the time, not sure I disagreed with her)

Victoria (April 1996 - Aug 1997)
Provided relationship duties on a contract to hire basis.  Was often called upon late at night for rapid project turn around.  (Seriously, I am trying to professionally define a booty call).  
  • Provided services on an ad hoc basis
Reason for Departure : I required a role with more stable work hours.

Zelda (Nov 1995 - Feb 1996)
The situation had me in a relationship with a single mother looking to land a good guy.  I fulfilled role admirably with high marks in consideration, patience, and respect.
  • Worked around conflicting schedule demands
  • Exceeded parental expectations
  • Exercised proper restraint to accommodate partner's desires or apparent lack there of...
Reason for Departure : Turns out my position was being performed by another party and I was let go due to duplicate effort.  AKA she was cheating...

  • Able to see at least one romantic comedy per month
  • Financial Provider with long term goals
  • Broad based experience in conflict resolution
  • Can make a wicked Martini
  • Multitasking
  • Cooking and clean proficient
  • Technology Support
  • Foot and back massage
  • Excellent Listener
Okay you have to admit that is pretty funny.  The one thing I have learned from this exercise is that all relationships do teach us about ourselves and you have to understand that your feelings and opinions are merely the product of experience.


I Hope It Floats My Good Sir

One of my best friends and I happened to be able to go out have some lunch today.  We used to work together so lunches used to be more common.  Now that we do not work together each lunch we get to have is a little more special...

(Just re-read the above paragraph, what am I writing a blog post or Tuesday's With Morry?  Hey Hallmark just called they want their card idea back...)

Okay back to the story.  So my friend and I went out to eat.  While we were eating I was telling him how I have been watching what I eat and working out.  Here is the conversation.

ME : Yeah, I have been trying to watch my calories and fat to lose some weight and get more healthy.

HIM : You know I have a story related to that but it might not be appropriate for telling while eating.

ME : It's cool, I'm in.

HIM : Several years ago I worked with a guy who was in decent shape, never really worked out but was not overweight or anything.  In any case he went to the doctor one day to get a check up and asked the doctor what it took to be healthy.

ME:  What?

HIM : The doctor told him.  "Cutting all bullshit aside and getting right to root.  If your poop floats you are good.  If it doesn't you are eating too much greasy fatty foods"

ME : Seriously?

HIM : Seriously.

ME : You know what this means?

HIM : What?

ME : Every time I want to wish you well or say good bye I am just going to say : "I Hope It Floats."


A Husband's Guide to : Gay Marriage

"Whoa, TheHusBlog, are you sure you want to get into this topic?  I mean seriously..."

That might be the first time in my life that the voice in my head has made any sense.

"That was kind of a dickhead thing to say"

Ssssshhhhhh, you are pretty when you are quiet.

With the President of the United States recently coming out in support of Gay Marriage, things are heating up in Gay Marriage Debate.

Just a little background, I am a conservative Christian, living in Texas.  But when I really search my heart on how I feel about the issue of Gay Marriage I come up with one undeniable opinion:

I just don't care.

I know religiously I need to be against Gay Marriage right?  But to be honest if two people who are gay want to get married then let them do it.  Let's break this down point by point shall we :

  • Homosexuality is Biblically Wrong : Yes, homosexuality is mentioned twice in the old testament and twice in the new testament.  But also in the Bible is love the sinner hate the sin(not a direct quote).  And while to let homosexuals get married might be a validation of the sin, at least we make honest men and women out of them, right?  Plus marriage in essence has two components.  The spiritual and the socio-economic.  The spiritual is between them and their faith.  None of my business.  The socio-economic is about whether or not they can enter into a contract with one another.  Marriage allows for creation of being immediate family, which becomes very important in medical decisions, or even in the sharing of health care costs(same insurance plan).  Plus they get taxed at a higher rate so if they want that burden come on in and share the pain.  Maybe I have fallen into secular thought but to me, if Adam and Steve want to get married, have at it...  (And by all means read my blog for marriage advice)
  • Once you open the door to Gay Marriage People will marry pets and inanimate objects:  That is absurd for two reasons.  1.) Marriage is a consensual agreement between to self aware beings, and if you can get a dog to say "I do" at the right moment I would be shocked.  2.)  People have been trying to do stupid shit for years already.  Everything from creating their own religion so they can wear a spaghetti strainer as a hat in a Driver's License photo, to marrying themselves.  Gay Marriage is not going to open the flood gates of crazy because I am sorry to tell you the flood gates have been open for a long time already.
  • Gay Marriage Devalues Straight Marriage : Oh hell no!  Nothing devalues my marriage.  I have, We have been busting our asses for years to keep our marriage working.  Through the wife going to school, moving, health scares, money problems, and all kinds of other random crap.  Nothing takes that hard work away from me.  In fact I would love to see a happy gay couple get married and deal with the same stuff we straight people deal with.  I want front row to the first fight about money and I will bring the popcorn.  People are just people and if Eve and Missy (sorry no counter point to Adam and Steve) are going to get married that, in fact, has no effect on my relationship what so ever (unless of course they move in next to me and I can hear their fights through my walls).
Truth be told there are so many other things I care about way more (in no particular order in case I put Cougar Town renewal above World Hunger):
  • Future tax policies
  • Gun rights (I live in Texas)
  • The Environment
  • Government Reform
  • The renewal of Cougar Town (seriously, it is funny show)
  • Losing weight (that will be the topic of another blog post I swear)
  • World Hunger
  • Ending our need for fossil fuels because it has been a long time coming
  • Ending Hatred (except for bad drivers, they deserve the hate)
  • Creating a functional Light Saber (it's time has come)
  • Legalization of Pot (I don't smoke Pot but I really want to fuck with the Drug Cartels and I think that just might do it)
  • Halting the coming Zombie Apocalypse
  • Ending the ridiculous password requirements of at least one capital letter, one special character, one lower case letter, and one number.  (fuck that I say do four unconnected words.  Perhaps this comic will help : Password Strength
  • Having easier access to Ninja Training for all(I so want to be a Ninja)
  • Decreasing crime by ensuring a better life for everyone
  • Increasing the Kilt's Popularity
I am actually scared to post this because I know that Gay Marriage is a hot button issue.  But what I hope to point out is that the world has so many other problems can we please take the energy focused on Gay Marriage and channel it into making the world a better place.  Well that and please Renew Cougar Town, it just has an unfortunate title, give it a chance people.

"Hold up there hoss!  You think you can write about a hot topic and then cover up an anger you might have stirred up by cracking jokes?"

First off are you calling me hoss because I am fat?

"Way to focus on the wrong thing"

It's a gift

"Well are you going to answer my question?"

Okay voice in my head, here is goes :  Humor is the only weapon when faced with strong feelings.  It allows us to take a moment, step outside the reality we have created for ourself and let our opinions fall into place.  Anger is easy, sadness is easy, but a good laugh, that takes more than proper timing...  It take courage because if you can laugh at yourself you can understand everything.

"Seriously?  That is your answer?"

Oh, fuck you, that was profound.

"You mean profane?"

Yeah good point, I am sure to get some hateful comments over this one.


PS see if you can guess how many drinks I had to have to get enough courage up to post this one.  See chart here.

A Husband's Guide to : Couple Role Models

So you know those couples that seem to have it all figured out?  They are fun to be around, seem to compliment each other's personality, and never seem to have a fight.  They are both attractive and have the same hobbies and never nit pick each other.  They balance their work life and social life perfectly and drop everything for the other person without complaining.  You know those types of couples?

If you said yes you are either a total liar, or completely clueless.

The perfect couple does not exist.  Sure there are couples that seem to be perfect, or are effortless but the truth is they work at it... or they just fake it really well in front of you.

Pardon me while I segue for a moment...

As you start to get into marriage your single friends begin to either fall by the wayside or morph into couple friends.  This is a natural thing and happens gradually for most people.  Then one day you wake up and your crazy friend Bob is replaced by Bob and Carol, a lovely couple from the neighborhood.  Oh, and your slutty friend Tiffany, is now Tiffany and John and they are pregnant with their third child.  And let's not forget about Carl the confirmed for life bachelor friend of yours...  You only see him about once a year when he is coming through town on a business trip and even then you start to run out of things to talk about.  The simple fact of the matter is that friendships change as you grow, and sure, age changes things but so does being married.

Segue ended...

As you grow and make new couple friends, inevitably you have that perfect couple friendship.  That couple that makes you feel like you are doing something wrong or that seem to never fight, or have tons of money, or have lots of free time, or any number of other things.  But the simple fact of the matter is they are not perfect.  They have disagreements just like you do and they work at things just like you do.

Falling prey to believing you have a perfect couple to role model is just going to make you crazy.  Everyone is different and just because something is working for them does not mean it will work for you. It is ultimately self defeating to compare your relationship to anyone else's.  And remember you only see what the couple wants you to see.

Instead of comparing or trying to find a role model you and your spouse need to find the time to talk and connect about what you each want in your relationship.  Couple fight, couples don't like one another from time to time, couples even need some space every now and again.  That doesn't mean you fail, or have made a mistake.  It just means you are human.

Most couple end up having a fight over little stuff, and not even questioning the big stuff.  When the chips are down can your spouse count on you.  If you said yes, you are already the perfect couple...


ps and continuing my blatant plugging of previous posts I give you: Things I Would Read

A Husband's Guide to : The 7th Sense

So we all know about the 5 senses : Touch, Smell, Taste, Vision, and Hearing.  And we also know about the Sixth Sense...

"You mean the movie with Bruce Willis and he sees dead people because he is actually dead."

Way to ruin it for everyone voice in my head.

"It came out in 1999, if they haven't seen it yet then they ain't going to see it."

First of all good point, second of all shouldn't you use better grammar than 'ain't'?

"Well thank you, and I am a figment of YOUR imagination so really shouldn't YOU be using better grammar?"

I hate you.

"Feeling is mutual..."

What I actually mean with the sixth sense is that extra sensory perception that something is wrong or that something is not what it appears.  Now I am sure the documented cases of the sixth sense are probably hard to prove but rather than going down that path I would like to focus on the 7th sense.  What is the 7th sense you ask?

"I am positively shaking in anticipation."

Still hate you.

"Yeah, but as a figment of your imagination what does that hatred say about you?"

Valid point.  Moving On...

The 7th sense is something that only married people have.  It is that sense that something is wrong with our partner.  I am not talking about psychically sensing when the other is hurt, or upset, or even struggling with a word problem.  Instead I mean that sense that you have offended your partner.  In order to explain this I am going to have to call on an old and trusty friend...

"You mean me?"

Seriously, you need to shut up now.

"You are a meanie!"

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : The 7th Sense Examples

  • Should Not Have Gone Out With My Friends Sense : So there you are with a night off and your spouse has the night off too.  Unfortunately you have made plans with your guy friends.  Even though the wife says it is totally cool, you get a tingling...  Yep you should not have gone out with your friends.
  • I Totally Forgot An Anniversary Or Something : There are no greater words to fear than "so you know why today is special don't you."  The hard truth is if you have to ask then you will never know.  But you have to admit, a little part of you was sure something was off that day right?
  • Fine Is Not Fine : We husbands get conditioned early on to think that Fine is Never, Ever Fine.  It is a dangerous word and to usually means trouble.  Most of us men get a little tingle in our 7th sense when something is fine.
I am sure there are other examples but they escape me now.  Guys remember, the 7th sense is there to help you before you make a terrible mistake.  So by all means, listen up!


And the gem I have unearthed for you today is rather a perfect compliment to this post...  Enragement Pt 2.

A Husband's Guide to : Secret Marriage Games

Every marriage that I know of has secret marriage games.  And no, I am not talking about "naughty" games.  More like the little competitions that crop up after years of wedded bliss.  While every person's finger print is unique so too is every marriage.  The combination of two lives into one is bound to create some friction, that is often expressed through little competitions.  Let's explore some of the more common ones shall we...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Secret Marriage Games


Yes, what do you want now?

"Well two things, first, really, your name, TheHusBlog"

That's not really a question.

"Yeah it is more of an accusation of you having a dumb blogger name."

Well that helps my self-esteem greatly, thanks...  What is your second question?

"If they are secret marriage games how can you define them?"

By using words constructed in sentences using commonly accepted syntax.


Moving on...

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Secret Marriage Games

  • New iPhone App Codependence : Words with Friends, Hanging with Friends, Draw Something all have one thing in common.  In most marriages one partner is forced to play it.  Marriage means never having to play a random opponent.  My wife loves all these games and is more than happy to let me know when I have not taken my turn quickly enough.  As if the app reminding me to play isn't enough, I also have my wife texting me with "Draw me a picture."
  • Half Way Thru Television Gambit : If you want to watch  show that your partner typically does not enjoy the best play is to get to the TV first and start watching it before your partner gets there.  Then once your partner joins and starts complaining, you can be like, "it's almost half way over can I just finish it?"  At this point you might even bat your eyes, because let's face it, what monster is going to fight you on that.
  • The Household Account Spending Blitz : Much has been said in terms of the difference between married money and single money.  The key to pilfering household money for your own ends is to get to it fast enough and with a plausible reason.  Consider this :
    • Asking permission : Honey I saw some new towels I think we should have for the bathroom, they are $200 dollars but I think they would look great, what do you think...  The response is likely to be hell no.
    • Informing : Honey I spend $200 dollars on some towels for the bathroom.  Normally I wouldn't but they were on sale and we had money in the household account.  Spend it before your partner can
  • Drawing First Bed : Instead of drawing first blood on your opponent you draw first bed.  Meaning you are the first one to get in at night and can take control of the blankets early and tuck underneath to ensure they remain yours for the night.  
I know there are many other games out there but these are some of my favorites.  In fact on I take part in regularly is Drawing First Bed.  Unfortunately, I lost tonight because I had to write a blog post...  You win this time WifeOfTheHusBlog...


PS : For those of you who have found me recently I am going to be adding links to some of my favorite posts from back in the day...  Today's Gem (and I use that term loosely) is Unspeakables

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