First of all I know what you are thinking. “TheHusBlog, Unspeakables isn’t a word.” Well either that or “TheHusBlog, I really wish you would refer to yourself differently, I mean really why not just use your real name, or hell make one up, I mean come on TheHusBlog doesn’t really roll off the tongue.” To which I say Unspeakables might not be a real word (as the red squiggly underline in Word is indicating) but it works for defining those things that can’t be taken back.
We have all said things we regret in the heat of the moment and for the most part deep breaths, apologies, and caring reassurance can erase them. But nonetheless there are some things that linger long after the fight is through.
TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Those which cannot be taken back
- “Well I make the money so I decide how it is spent” This is tough one, especially if you are the sole breadwinner. But remember when you got married you combined everything, which renders money decisions a joint affair. But to use this phrase is to indicate that you think your decision making is better and let me tell you, it’s a bell that cannot be unrung.
- “Your mother/father is a Bitch/Asshole” In-Laws can be a great stressor in a relationship but remember they birthed and raised your spouse and I bet she has a certain fondness for them so you cannot just start name calling, no matter how appropriate it seems at the time. Remember on the school yard how if someone called your mom a name you would beat them up(or pay someone to beat them up if you had the funds but lacked the muscles)… Well your spouse will probably feel the same so watch your mouth or it might get smacked off.
- “Well maybe we should get a divorce” This is never a phase to be uttered lightly and to say it in anger is doubly worse, so watch it bub! Saying that you want a divorce can be a lot like giving up and your partner will always feel like in any conflict that will be your end game.
- “I Hate You” Just don’t say it. You may hate the situation, and you may certainly hate your spouse’s behavior but don’t slip up and say that you hate them, because that will be something your spouse will remember.
- “You are a … “ Bitch, Slut, Whore, Dumbass… insert really any name here. Do not result to name calling. Not only is it childish, but it is also unproductive. And at the same time do not stand for yourself to be name called either. If an argument gets so heated that name calling takes place then that is your cue to suggest that you both take a break for at least an hour to cool off.
- "You Don't Love Me" Yeah, this is a bad one too, and on two fronts (see how I successfully used 'too' and 'two', I know you are impressed). First it is bad because you are assuming your partners emotions, which trust me from personal experience, they won't like. Second it is bad because you are assuming an awful emotion to boot (and I hit all three; 'too', 'two', and 'to', I am getting myself a brownie). And too top it all off this phrase just sounds angst-y.
TheHusBlog Definition Pause (again) : Bad Ideas in my opinion:
- Don’t Go to Bed Angry - I know this seems like a good idea but when it is 1.34 in the morning and you both have to get up the next morning, your thoughts are not exactly going to be on each other. In fact more resentment is going to grow because as the fight lingers on you both are going to be blaming each other for all the sleep you are not getting. Or the opposite will happen one or both of you will give in so that you can get some sleep and the issue won't be resolved, which means guess what? Next time you are out to dinner at let's say a PF Chang's you or your spouse are going to say something to bring it all back up and you are not going to enjoy your Salt and Pepper Prawns due to all the bitterness floating around the table. Set a time and if the fight is not resolved by then, GO TO BED. Trust me the fight will be there in the morning.
- Use “I” Language - I was a big proponent of using "I" language for many years until I realized I sound like a douche bag. I understand the point behind it; using "I" language keeps you from putting words into the other persons mouth or intentions behind their actions. However if you spend too much time on how you are going to say something, the meaning can be lost. Don't be intentionally hurtful and express yourself, but wrapping dog crap in a nice package doesn't make it any less dog crappy, so say what you want to say just don't be mean.
- Try to have physical contact during your disagreement - This one is a recipe for broken fingers and bruised wrists. Some counselors say that "if you can, hold hands or have some kind of physical contact during a disagreement, you should." My wife and I do not have kids yet so I have never held her hand during birth. I have heard that a woman, during childbirth can have unnatural strength and crush her hubby's hand. I am fairly certain that strength is second only to an Angry Wife. So if you aren't too fond of your hand then by all means hold hands... Look I kid, but let's be honest, when you are arguing physical contact is not the best idea.