Divorce Diaries : The Decision

So when looking at my posting history you will see that as of July last year my wife and I were trying to make a baby.  Then you see a post in Jan of this year that we are divorcing.  How do you go from trying to start a family to ending any and all connections...

Well it is easy, first you have to already be on shaky ground, then you just have to accept it.

The truth is, when I look back on my marriage, really look back on it, I realized that I was not happy.  Being a christian, I do not believe in divorce.  I committed to good times AND bad.  That commitment, was not enough.

The wife had finished school, she had a good job, we bought a house.  We were living the dream.  We tried very hard to have a child.   When my wife got pregnant I was crazy happy.  Then shortly after she miscarried...

The miscarriage was a starting event to the destruction of our marriage, but it was not the cause.  The cause of our divorce was a lack of connection.  We grew apart rather than growing together.  I sensed the gap widening between us and started to fight to keep us together.

I suggested marriage retreats, marriage counseling, but the wife would have none of it.  She told me that things were not as bad as I made them out to be and that I was overreacting.  She said she just needed time...

Slowly I was evicted from her life.  First we started sleeping in separate rooms, then we started hanging out with different friends, then our lives untangled so that she had her life and I had mine.  Even as everything was happening I knew it spelt doom for our marriage, but I fought to keep it together.  I gave her space, that did not help.  I tried to just hang out with her, that did not help.  I picked fights to start a real conversation, that did not help.

Everything I tried did not help.  As the marriage broke apart I started throwing up every morning.  For 4 months, the stress was so much that each morning I woke up and threw up.  It was the worst time in my life.

Finally, my wife just told me

"I want a divorce"

A survival instinct kicked in.  Everything became very tactical at that point.  We divided things up, amicably.  On my part because I felt like she would change her mind.  On her part because I think she wanted me to go quietly.

I am sure I was not without blame in the divorce, but I do feel like I tried everything I could to keep us together.  I look at myself in the mirror without regrets, because I did everything I thought I could to keep us married...

I do not believe in divorce, unfortunately, my wife did...


PS : I know this is one of my darker posts, thank you for reading I promise I am okay.

5 Response to "Divorce Diaries : The Decision"

  1. Maybe I'm just in a funky place as well but this doesn't sound dark to me it sounds honest and raw which is never really a bad thing even while it may be painful. I won't pretend to know what you are going through but I'm glad to hear you are okay.

    Thank you Southern Girl, I am doing well. Although as I am collecting adventures, I am enjoying myself when I can. The stories will be funny for sure.

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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