A Husband's Guide to : Presumptions (also the most important thing to do in your marriage)

I read about marriage regularly, follow blogs about marriage, and reflect on my own marriage all the time.  I studied psychology in college and ended up working in technology ( that is a long story for another day).  Because of my background I am analytic by my very nature and enjoy breaking down situations into easy to understand facts.

Sometimes my posts are a long meandering path hoping to shed light on a little issue and others are a sharp drop into a chasm (seriously, tried to spell that 3 different ways before I got it right) of honesty.  My subjects vary from the poignant (why am I choosing hard to spell words in this post) to the ridiculous.

But this post is different, this post provides a great secret to marriage that I believe is CRITICAL.  It started with a post on Marriage Gems, which is a blog I love.  Before I continue you have to read the post that inspired me :
 Click Here-ish

The whole post is good, however three words stuck with me and I cannot get them out of my head.

"Presume the best"

We have to treat our spouses in a way that reflects the choice we made to be with them till death do us part.

I am going to stop for a second here.  Please take a moment and read the two lines above.  Have you done that?  Have you taken that in?

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Presume the best and what it means

  • Benefit of the doubt : When you presume the best of your spouse you understand that she/he does things with the best of intentions.  Not all plans work out, but when you presume the best you are telling your partner that you assume they tried.
  • Forgiving bad word-smithing : Not everyone can be Shakespeare.  Sometimes we say something that sounds dumb or cruel not meaning to.  When you presume the best you give your partner a chance to re-phrase something that came out wrong.
  • Understanding : Your spouse is not perfect all the time, hell, neither are you.  When you presume the best you are committing to understand all that is going on in your spouse's life, not just what is happening right now.  If your spouse is cold or stand offish it might not have anything to do with you.  So rather than being hurt, you take the time to figure out what is wrong in a caring and non-judgmental way.
Think a minute on your interactions with friends and work colleagues.  I am willing to bet that you cut them more slack than you do your own spouse.  Marriage is a funny thing, it makes us all be more critical of our loved one because let's face it they are a reflection on us, right?  It is this mindset that makes create rifts where there should be none.  

Society as a whole has fallen victim to the most hidden of lies...  The Romantic Comedy.  To be honest we all want our spouse to be smooth, hot, and forgiving.  We see Gerard Butler or Emma Stone or Katherine Hiegel and we think why can't our lives be like theirs on the silver screen...   What happens after we ride off into the sunset?

Well the truth is that movies end where real life begins.  We all want to live in a fantasy, but the truth is, we don't.  Our lives are filled with obligations, family members, and the need for money.  None of those things are romantic.  Often we let real life make us unhappy and we blame our spouse for it.  

We have to recognize that our spouse does the best with what they have, they try.  I know that is the truth because I do the best with what I have and I bet you do to.  Now all you have to do is extend that courtesy to your spouse.

Before you get angry at your honey remember that you cannot control what happens but you can control how you react.  You can either :
  1. React as if your spouse is trying to hurt you
  2. Or understand why you married them and remember that they are doing the best they can
I know that I love it when my wife understands me, and I know she loves it when I do the same.  So knowing all that, why would I not afford her the same courtesy that I really appreciate?

Just something to think about...

-TheHusBlog

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