A Husband's Guide to : Marriage Blogs

"Oh no, TheHusBlog(there I called you by your stupid name, you happy?) you are about to go Meta."  Fear not gentle reader I am not about to cause a dream within a dream sequence worthy of Inception 2.  I know it may seem strange for a Marriage Blog to blog about Marriage Blogs, but I do have to write just a little on the subject.  If you are anything like me, you like to do your research.  The internet does after all make it so easy, just google it and you can have tons of information in seconds.

I was thinking about a friend the other day.  This friend tends to feel like they have illnesses all the time so webmd is a popular destination.  Well as is the case in most situations like this, my friend will often enter in symptoms and get some crazy ass result that they are sure they have.  I try to speak to this person rationally and present a logical explanation.  But, more often than not this person goes to the doctor and finds out that they were wrong and what they thought was some crazy flesh eating disease is just the flu...  This can be the same for those people that read marriage blogs.  You are researching things to either spark the romance again, resolve conflict, or create a perfect date night and then all of a sudden you fall into the same trap as my webmd friend.  You feel like your relationship is on life support and you are doomed to divorce.  Now you might be thinking : "TheHusBlog(used your stupid name again!) isn't it time to do a definition pause...  I mean you are two paragraphs in and I haven't seen bullet points yet I am worried..."  Yes it is time.  So without further ado(I love using that phrase) :

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Signs your Marriage Might Be In Jeopardy, But Really It Isn't:

  • We are not having SEX enough : What is the national average for times a married couple to have sex?  Well to be honest it varies, and it is getting less and less because of the hectic pace that most of us live our life.  The most common value I see in my research is about 2 times a week.  Now some of you might be going "two times a week, what are they rabbits..."  And still some others might be going, "Twice a week, that sounds like heaven, I wish!"  Let me just interject, that there is NO MAGIC number.  What might be appropriate for one couple is not going to work for another.  Researching the national average for times a couple should have sex is like researching the national average for the amount of time you can hold your breath, it's DUMB.  There are so many variables in a couple's life that affect the amount of sex they can have at any given time:  Do you have small children?  Do you both work?  Is one person struggling with depression?  Is one person struggling with health issues?  There are so many things that factor into our sex lives that simply looking at the national average and measuring your numbers does not add up.  If you only have sex once a month and both of you are happy with it, then hell, I don't see a problem.  Don't use someone else's yard stick to measure yourself, instead take into account other factors and ask yourself if you are happy, if you are great, if not talk about it with your partner.  But for the LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, do not quote me on the 2 times a week stat and expect her to be like, "oh well then we should do it more..."  
  • She seems annoyed by me all the time : Well are you doing something annoying?  Not to be a smart ass, but keep in mind people change, including you and your wife so if she is seeming annoyed, check in with her and if she states a behavior that is annoying her, then stop doing it!  
  • We fight all the time :  I wrote in another post that marriages have good years and bad years.  Almost every single married couple I talk to tell me that is true.  You and your partner are going to go through rough patches and it is going to seem like all you do is fight.  As long as you respect boundaries, don't physically, or mentally abuse one another it is something you can work through.  Keep things in perspective, just because you are having a 6 month bad spell does not mean you should throw away a 7 year marriage, think about the good times.  And of course if things seem really bad, schedule some counseling with a professional.  Remember your vows, Marriage(capital 'M' in the middle of the sentence is on purpose) is all about keeping your promise to one another even when you don't want to...
  • My friends think I should end the marriage : If all you do is complain to your buddies about your wife then of course they are going to think you should end the marriage.  Use your friends as constructive sounding boards, not bitch sessions.  I have a couple married friends that just complain, complain, complain.  They do not mention the good stuff because they are so focused on the bad.  So if your friends only perspective is how mean your wife is then they are going to tell you jump ship.  After some questions I have NEVER met a husband who had only bad things to say about their spouse.  Let's be real, when you get married there are all kinds of happy little chemicals floating around your brain telling you things are going to be GREAT.  But those fade and the truth will come out.  Your spouse is human, she is going to be wonderful at some things, and not so wonderful at others.  Never discount the good things because of the bad things.  Oh and by the way, you are human too...
  • Someone else is catching my eye :  So there you are, out with friends, or at work and some other woman is catching your eye.  She is beautiful and maybe a little bit flirtatious and you think, I could just leave my wife and be with this person.  Really?  And I have to say it again, Really?  I have two main points to make on this.  First, you and your wife have created a bond over years and you think some cute girl is going to come close to that kind of bonding.  And second, do you really think your wife hasn't had temptations thrown at her...  Oh, now I have your attention don't I?  Look, you are going to find other women PHYSICALLY attractive, it is just human nature, just as your wife is going to find other men PHYSICALLY attractive.  We are human beings after all and sometimes we are going to see someone else as hot or pretty.  That is natural, but what makes us special is our ability to stay committed to the person that really knows us, the person who knows the our true self and loves us anyway.  There are two states of attraction(damn, I think I am going to have to go sub bullet points on this one.)
    • Static : This attraction is based on a situation.  A person looks really good in an outfit, or under a certain kind of light, or whatever.  In any case this attraction is based on the here and now and is often fleeting.
    • Dynamic : This kind of attraction is based on the person at their core, rather than the situation.  This is the kind of attraction that can make you excited when your wife in pajama pants and a ratty t-shirt, this is the kind of attraction that makes you smile when she is in old sweat pants painting a room.  And this also the kind of attraction that can make her think you are sexy when you just got done cleaning your car and are filthy.  This kind of attraction is measured in years, not seconds and can only come from a bond that transcends the here and now.
I have to take a moment and say I do not write these posts lightly.  I often write several weeks ahead and take the time to read, revise, reread, edit, and eventually post.  In fact it took me over two weeks to write this.  I am telling you, the faithful reader, this because I want you to take to heart what I say.  Think about your marriage and don't just assume things are horrible because someone on TV, or some blog, or some article in "Couples Monthly"(I don't think that is a real publication) says so.  Take stock in YOUR relationship and figure out what works for you two and then act on it.

If you take one thing away from this post it should be this:  Your issues are probably shared by your wife.  Maybe not in the same way, but if you are feeling like your needs are not being met, then she probably does too.  Sure maybe they are different needs, but at the end of the day don't you want to be one who makes your spouse's life better...  And if you want to make her life better, I am willing to bet she wants to make yours better as well...  That sounds like a good starting point to me.


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