A Husband's Guide to : Sex Part 2

Well my faithful readers, here we are, another post about sex.  To be honest I was going to stay away from an all sex post for awhile just because I had some other things that I wanted to write about, however, a post on a blog I read frequently inspired me, so I had to do some writing.  To read the post that inspired me please head to this link (http://antiinertia.com/2011/03/11/post-marital-sex.aspx).  Antiinertia is not a site that is dedicated to relationships, but this post certainly delves into that topic with surprising insight.  So please take a moment and click on over there to read the post, then come back here.

Sex, Sex, Sex, it seems like it is aways on the mind.  There are men I know who have large libidos and other men I know who have smaller ones.  In any case most men I talk to think about sex a lot, it does not slow down when we marry.  The focus of the thoughts change, after marriage we men think that we have (this is going to sound so chauvinistic, I apologize in advance to my female readers)  "In house loving".  We think that we have locked down our wife and given her the sincere commitment all women seem to want to have so we should be golden.  We should be able to get sex "on demand."  But in reality, courtship (in a sexual way) starts to change.

TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Signs your sex life is changing

  • You have to schedule sex : There is a point in time, in every relationship, where sex shifts from something organic, that just happens, to something you have to make time to happen.  It is really weird at first.  It feels almost forced.  It can be quite a shock to go from "Can't keep your hands off each other, to can't get some loving on a week night."  This is totally natural, life is going to get in the way, maybe it is children, maybe it is work, hell maybe it is some other thing.  But if you do not make time, you will not be able to make love.
  • It starts to feel awkward to initiate sex : The flames of passion do flicker from time to time and if you have been in extended dry spell, you or your spouse might be awkward.  The worst thing you can do is give up or close up.  Laugh about it, talk about it, do something about it!  Not every marriage has sunshine and rainbows all the time.  There are going to be times when one person is not going to be in the mood, but is willing to have sex anyway.  Seriously, I know to some of you who have not been thru it, that last sentence sounds alien.  There was a study in which women were asked about their sex life, most of them stated that even if they did not want to have sex with their husbands when they did have sex for the sake of their husbands they did enjoy it.  It does not have to a perfect situation every time.  Sometimes it is just two people trying to connect amidst a crazy schedule. 
  • You or your spouse would rather sleep than have sex : This is another one that is hard to avoid.  There are times when sleep is more important than sex.  The majority of time I hear about this it is because of small children, however work is also become a more popular reason as well.  The way our society is moving(The United States), it can hardly be ignored that career often takes the front seat as well.  The one way to overcome this I have seen is to change up the routine.  Rather than sex at night, try the morning or afternoon.  
  • You start noticing that you are counting how many times you have sex : When sex is plentiful you never worry about how much you are having.  When it starts to slow down you all of a sudden become painfully aware of how many times you have sex.  Then you start googling how often married couples have sex (Guilty...).  Then you compare that number to how many times you have sex and become convinced that something is wrong.  
  • It starts to become the center piece of fights :  Top two things couples fight about : money and sex.  In my history of talking with other married men, Sex is the top of the list.  However fighting about sex starts a cycle, if you fight about it, then there is a big chance actually having sex is like a chore rather than an enjoyment.  So the more you fight, the more awkward it becomes...

I know what you are thinking: "Wow TheHusBlog, Sex part 2 is kind of a downer post."  Well that or, "TheHusBlog, can I just call you Jim, how about Jim?"  I know this might seem like a depressing post, but it is also things that need to be said.  Life changes, we all grow older and as time wears on us, its effects can be seen and felt, even in the bedroom.  Like the post I referenced above, I too, believe that sex is a pillar of marriage, but it takes work.

I strive to highlight the pit falls of marriage that most people either keep bottled inside or avoid all together.  Sex is important in a relationship, but its level of importance should be dictated by the two people in the marriage.  If you only have sex once a year and both people are happy with it, then by all means you are good.  But if you are wanting more and cannot seem to understand what has changed I want to put my own perspective out there so that maybe just maybe you can see that you are not alone.

-TheHusBlog

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